Reviews For Hopeful Wishes
Reviewer: Sly Severus
Date: 06/02/14 15:44
Chapter: Chapter 1

When I started reading this, I thought it was a one-shot and I was not at all pleased with the ending. Then I checked and was happy to see that it wasn't completed. I do hope you continue. I'm curious to see who Draco impregnated and how he and Hermione got together.

I like the ideas here, but the this chapter seems so abrupt. We learn nothing about how Draco and Hermione got here. We don't know about the people in their lives, who usually don't approve of this relationship. I find it hard to believe that Lucius' biggest complaint about their relationship is the size of their flat. I now know this is a chartered story so I hope some of these questions will be addressed later on.

So overall, I'm left wanting to know more, which is exactly the response you want from a reader after the first chapter. Good work.

Reviewer: Oregonian
Date: 01/22/14 1:25
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hi, Annie,

This is Vicki of Slytherin House. I see that you have been a member for a couple of years, so congratulations on becoming a contributing author also.

Your fic has a catchy beginning because of how the words are arranged on the page, giving a slow and tentative feel that probably matches Draco’s mood, and because of the step-by-step analysis of the signs of Hermione’s stages of anger. This is different from the usual plunge into the body of the narrative. It also establishes Draco as an analytical guy. Too bad he hasn’t analyzed what he’s doing wrong.

The story itself has a catchy beginning also”Hermione is dramatically leaving Draco because he has done something (we are curious as to what it is) to shatter her trust. At the end of the chapter Hermione drops the bombshell. “Draco, you’ve got a baby on the way!” Who is the prospective mother”some other woman? He insists that talking will fix this situation, but how? You have started with a bang and leave us with a cliffhanger. How could we not want to know what happens next?

Your writing is lively. You use active words to indicate Hermione’s mood: slam, thud, strewn, roughly stuffed, grabbed. We can already envision the look on her face, even before it all finally registers with Draco. Similarly, you portray Draco’s frame of mind through images that we can see: crossing his arms (a power move) and blocking the doorway (an aggressive gesture). But this is a bluff that he can’t keep up, and you indicate this by having him change his demeanor rapidly, first blocking the doorway and trying to be master of the situation, then reduced to begging. “Wait! Can’t we just talk? Please!” Without your having to say so, his behavior reveals that he knows he’s wrong.

There is not a lot of scenic description in your story, but I like the brief description of the kitchen; it is a clue to the whole apartment”small, basic, shabby”and opens questions in the reader’s mind. Why are they living here? Why is this the best that they can afford?

A couple of style suggestions. Your story is composed, in many places, from a series of short sentences. Sometimes for style, we want short sentences. But sometimes they can be combined to give a more fluid sweep of narrative. Here’s an example: “She didn’t answer. Instead, she walked toward the closet and got out a suitcase, laying it on the bed.” It could be combined like this: “Instead of answering, she walked toward the closet and got out a suitcase, laying it on the bed.” I’m not saying that this version is necessarily better, it’s just an alternative that we can consider.

The second suggestion is that you have some inconsistencies in verb tenses, where your sentences toggle between present tense and past tense. Not seeing a credit line for a beta reader, I wondered if you had had a second set of eyes to notice something like that. It would be an easy fix to edit in.

This chapter is short, but you have packed a lot of information into it, and it sets the scene well for whatever will come next. It has been the better part of a year since this chapter was posted, but I hope you haven’t abandoned this story. We readers have “Hopeful Wishes” too, that you will finish it up!

Reviewer: salamii
Date: 04/02/13 16:04
Chapter: Chapter 1

i like it

Reviewer: Wolfsbane394
Date: 04/01/13 19:37
Chapter: Chapter 1

This is pretty good so far. Excellent cliffhanger by the way. I saw that the story has a strong profanity warning, and I have to say that profanity and/or explicit content really turns away more readers than it attracts. Just a little tip, but hey, it's your story :)

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