Here are some thoughts about the ideas you expressed in your interesting poem, a glimpse into the conscience of Severus Snape.
He senses the stars as unblinking eyes that see everything he does, eyes from whose gaze he cannot escape. He says, in effect: the stars know what I have done; my treachery cannot be forgotten. The stars are my watchmen and celestial jailers. I have made my bed and now I must lie in it.
Harry’s eyes (Lily’s eyes) “stalk” Snape during the day (as perceived by Snape, not by Harry). Harry is surviving just to spite Snape. (Again Snape’s perception, his choice to take Harry’s existence personally. Whatever Harry survived for, it wasn’t to spite Snape.)
Snape blames the stars, but no, the stars are only inorganic heavenly bodies. It is Snape’s own conscience that torments him at night, when the events of the day, sunny or not, are no longer present to distract his attention from self-examination.
He sounds obsessed with where his life’s choices have taken him, if he thinks about it every night. As long as Voldemort remains alive, this mess will never be cleaned up; these wrongs will not be made right. Until Lord Voldemort is dead, Snape can never just put this sorry business behind him and try to build a new life with the time he has left.
This poem has many good lines, for example “I pull back the covers of the bed I made all those years ago.” A double reference, first to the actual action of going to bed at night, when the stars are out and the reproachful thoughts come flooding back, and to the old saying that I mentioned above.
A line that worked less well for me was “But from my task, I dare not stray, for I will feel those eyes again.” The first eight words sounded a bit stilted, though it was plain what you were talking about and they followed from the previous verse, and the final seven words surprised me, because I had thought that he was feeling the watchful, reproaching eyes all the time anyway.
A very eloquent and sensitive expression of something that Snape may have been thinking, one aspect of his perpetually tortured and regretful existence. Thank you for writing.
Jess, have I mentioned that you're awesome?
Thank you so much for this poem!!! It's so lyrical--it almost reminds me of Javert's song Stars from Les Mis, especially the line "infinite watchmen that follow me everywhere"...but the theme is different. It was a really interesting spin on the quote I gave--the one about the sky, which I had originally felt like was more a quote about hope and/or being strong. So your imprisoning sky idea-- "celestial jailers"--surprised me, and I love it. It is such a good metaphor for Snape's remorse and for his sense of duty. And I really like how you brought Harry into it, in the fourth stanza; how you captured the complexity of his reaction towards a boy with Lily's eyes and James's hair. And, oh my gosh, I loved the line "But from my task, I dare not stray, for I will feel those eyes again." :) Unrequited Snape/Lily 4eva!