This is Vicki Of Slytherin House, commenting on your compact little poem about the Peverell brothers.
The structure is atypical for you, three four-line verses with the simplest rhyme scheme, rhyming the second and fourth lines, but it is good to see you doing a variety of different poetic styles. I notice that there is some variation in line lengths and some uneven meter, but since well-known poets whose books are featured in displays at the public library also do this, that must mean it’s quite okay to have these irregularities.
The parallel construction of the three verses ties them firmly together. The rhymes in the first two verses are exact, grown-own and stone-own, so when we get to the last verse and the rhyme is is not absolute, home-own, there’s no problem because the rhyme scheme is already firmly established. And the identical final lines of verses one and two accentuate the variation in the final line, and idea, of the last verse.
Since the character of the poem is compactness, I appreciated the single well-chosen adjectives, “combative”, “doleful”, and “clever”, to describe each of the brothers.
You emphasized the behavior and outcome of the last brother by putting “clever and “…less” in italics to differentiate him from his imprudent brothers, but I do not think that the italics were necessary; the words alone would have provided the contrast.
I noticed that you wrote this poem in future tense, “will meet an inglorious end,” “will meet his fate,” and “his lifelong days will be strifeless.” When a story is told concerning something that happened long ago, it’s generally expressed in past tense. By putting it in future tense, you suggest that these principles still apply to people today.
In summary, your poem is a neat précis of the story of the Peverell brothers’ dealings with death, and an emphasis on the moral that is there for us all. Nice job.
Hello! Thought I would return the favor of you reviewing my poetry. :)
I really like the refrain, and how it is used to show what happens to each brother. That in itself was genius.
Overall, I loved the rhythm and the length of the poem, which really helped to capture each brother in a snapshot!
A couple things stood out that bothered me:
1. Punctutation. The first stanza might work better if there were commas after the first and second lines, but not the third. And then the last line needs a period, since you have every other stanza ending with one. For the second stanza, I would take out the comma on the third line. And then for the third stanza, the second line feels like an aside, which needs appropriate punctuation to set it off. So visually, the poem should look like this:
The combative man seeking to defeat,
With wand of elder grown,
Will meet an end inglorious
When Death marks him as his own.
The doleful man who yearns to steal
Souls by turn of stone,
Through endless grief will meet his fate
When Death marks him as his own.
But the clever man wishing to hide,
To tarry longer at his home-
His lifelong days will be strifeless.
And he’ll mark Death as his own.
2. Meter. This is only for the very last line. I feel like this statement would be stronger and flow a little smoother if you took out the "and" at the beginning of the last line. Of course, it isn't necessary, but it just felt like it needed to be a little stronger.
Thanks for a great read, Carole. I always enjoy your poetry. :) ~Nagini
Author's Response: Thank you very much. Yes, I was very sloppy with that full stop. It should have been there. I'm going to take another look through. I like the last line through. The additional word was deliberate because the third brother's life and death are very different from his older brothers. Thank you again. Carole
PS: SO sorry I called you Hayley. I know you're Kaylee, but my mind was elsewhere.
Oh, this is a lovely poem! I'm not the best at reviewing poetry but this one had such a good rhyme scheme and rhythm. And I love the tale of the Peverell brothers :) This was done really beautifully, and in so few words as well! That last phrase (and he'll mark death as his own was brilliant. Great work; I enjoyed this a lot :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much fopr the review. I was starting to think this one had lost its way, and I was rather proud of writing something that rhymed - ha ha. Yes, the Peverells are fascinating, I love the story too. Thanks again ~Carole~