My, My, Nicole. This is certainly an unusual story. And you say you rushed through it. I don’t think I could write something like this if I spent a week at it.
What strikes me first about your story is the lush verbiage, lush to the point of requiring a certain amount of just slogging through it. The story could be told more compactly, more tersely, but perhaps the effect of drawing out each thought as far as possible is that it gives the story a hypnotic effect, a slow and subtle unfolding. One can hear the vampire’s slow, dispassionate voice as if he were not in a hurry and had all the time in the world, which he almost does.
I have not read any popular literature featuring vampires, and JK Rowling does not discuss them in her seven books, so I have no feel for how vampires fit into the Potterverse. Your opinions on how they live, and what they do are as valid as anyone else’s. And there is a lot of imagination here: the Ministry blood banks (where do they get their supply of blood?), the communities of vampires living in the forest, the loss of memory.
Your story covers a long time span, at least fifty years, from Eldred as a young man in his twenties to Eldred as an old, unattractive man. The sentence I stayed with Eldred for many years is almost dismissive, as if many years is an inconsequential thing in a life that has spanned many centuries. To Eldred, David is a source of money-making material; to David, Eldred is a source of fresh blood that makes David feel miraculous and continuously lucid. One gets the impression that if David ever felt affection for any human being during his lifetime, that was long ago and no longer possible. This explains his murder of Eldred when Eldred was no longer useful to him.
I was not certain of the purpose of the episode in which David meets the vampire who he thinks mad ehim a vampire; I concluded that that purpose was to illustrate to David, and the readers, what David’s ultimate fate would be, immortal body but blank mind.
The encounter with Dennis in the pub forms bookends for the story, a frame, a person for the vampire to tell his story to, so that the readers can hear the story also. The implication is there that David is looking for another young person to be his source of fresh blood, so that he can feel again as he did with Eldred, miraculous and lucid. By naming a canon character, Dennis, you have tied the story at this one point to canon, but I was sorry that you had picked Dennis Creevey to be the tie, because the idea of Dennis or George becoming permanently despondent, depressed, and dysfunctional after the death of Colin or Fred seems overused. I cannot see Dennis wanting to stay permanently with David; after all, Dennis is not writing vampire books.
A very different story, that’s for sure. What inspired you to write it?
Author's Response: Hi there, Vicki!
My goodness, what a detailed and thoughtful and just absolutely wonderful review! Thank you so much for this; it really means a lot to me that you've taken the time to sit through the whole fic and read and leave feedback on my work. Apologies for the delay in responding to your review; I don't usually check for reviews when I come onto the site!
First, I'm not sure why I even chose to write this fic in the first place...? I think I read another Sanguini fic around here, and while I liked it very very much, it didn't seem to offer anything new on the subject and portrayal of vampires. I think the main reason of my writing this fic was to explore a super popular topic (vampires!) and see if I could fit this into the Potterverse.
As for the "lush verbiage", as you so eloquently put it, haha! You're right, most of it is unnecessary and unneeded; I could probably have knocked off 3,000 words from the fic and come up with something more compact and concise. But I did want to draw things out a bit, to expand on the mythology. OK, the main reason for the lengthy word count is because I just wanted to have a bit of fun with this fic and be a bit indulgent with the prose. I'm not usually so ill-disciplined with my writing; hence, this is a fic I really enjoyed writing. It's far from my best work, but still.
I love your comment on time, on how meaningless it is to Sanguini. That's most certainly true. How sad for him.
Thank you for this fantastic review, Vicki! It was a joy to receive.
I have never read Twilight; just the press about the sappy romance between the vampire and the girl. What I like about your story is the POV that immortality can get boring, that vampires are not better than humans just different.
I thought at the end that instead of meeting his maker, David was going to meet Eldred the new vampire.
Author's Response: Hiya! Thanks for reading. There isn't a lot more to Twilight apart from what you know :P Yeah, I was trying to write a different perspective of immortality, revamp some of the more commonly perpetuated vampire myths, and keep the rest etc. etc. Nah, Eldred doesn't become a vampire. Why would he? David simply doesn't know how to do it. He doesn't even remember what happened to him. He's rather unreliable, as a narrator. Sometimes he forgets, sometimes he lets details slip, maybe sometimes he lies. Ah, well. Thanks again!
Oh. My. Spirits.
You do not understand how unique this is. I can't even begin to tell you. I will though, because that's what a good reviewer does.
First, the point of view. Can I say "amazing"? It's like a second person (and I'm sure if hard pressed then that's what it "technically" is) but someone is actually telling "me" this, an actual story teller.
The word choice. You obviously made this as linguistic as possible, making it have more of a "vampire" feel. This is very well done on your part, and adds to the fact that an actual vampire is telling "me" the story.
Again, well done, and I hope you write more! Much, much more.
Author's Response: Hey there!
Gah, thanks for such a lovely unexpected review! It's really made my day :) I'm so glad you found this unique; I wasn't sure what people would make if a *cough vampire fic. :P I think the style of this fic would be a monologue, half directed to Dennis Creevey, half directed toward an imaginary audience (maybe the reader...). And I'm glad you like the word choice and the linguistic aspect of the fic. I have tried to make it a little more formal than how I usually write, especially in first/second person. But without sounding too over-the-top, of course. Thank you so much for your kind words! ♥