Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Website: schmergo.tumblr.com
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Bio:
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.

A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS

Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!

ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!

TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!

EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
[Report This]
Favorite Stories
 

Summary:
HEY! Hey you! Psssstttt! You have to help us!

It’s Tim the Enchanter, our fanfiction writer – HE’S GONE MAD! We’re just trying to live normal lives at Hogwarts, but CRAZY things keep happening to us because he’s bored!

Please! Read our story and hear our plight! We need to bludgeon some sanity into our author – Oh no! HE’S AT HIS COMPUTER NOW!

NO! NOOO-aaahhhh! Must resist! Resist… Gibber narg turnip turnip wibble antidisestablishmentarianism blubber gibber wop wop bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!


Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best Humour.



Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Mild Profanity, Violence

Word count: 25021 Chapters: 9 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/31/08 Updated: 01/22/09


To Draco, With Love by Hutchinson
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 158]

Summary: Draco somehow managed to get his very own advice column in Hogwarts' school paper, where he gives his sage opinion to those who dare to ask for it. Feel free to write in for advice about love, life, school, family, anything you can think of! But remember... with Draco, you tend not to get the answer you expected!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 9984 Chapters: 5 Completed: No
Published:
06/25/08 Updated: 12/09/08


Out of the Darkness by Tim the Enchanter
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 44]

Summary: The war against Voldemort is not going well. The Ministry of Magic has fallen and the Order of the Phoenix is scattered. Harry Potter and his friends are ruthlessly hunted by Voldemort and his Death Eaters. There is no end in sight for our heroes…

BUT SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE DARKNESS, ABSURDITY INTERVENES!

-

Nominated for QSQ 2008 Best Humour Story!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Mild Profanity, Substance Abuse, Violence

Word count: 13978 Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/07/08 Updated: 07/24/08


Becoming a Dark Lord by FinalCow
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 118]

Summary: Voldemort knows it's great being the Dark Lord; it's a position he wants to keep. But even the most malevolent maniac can't stand when the forces of fashion conspire against him! A tale of organized mayhem.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded, Substance Abuse

Word count: 23621 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/30/07 Updated: 04/05/08


Boy by SiriuslyMental
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: Nine year-old Harry Potter is sure that normal is just not enough. In fact, with the odd happenings that always seem to occur when he's around and his dead parents, he's convinced that there's no other explanation - he's a superhero. But when Harry runs away from home it may take more than superpowers to bring him back.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 6194 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
11/24/07 Updated: 12/02/07


Slainte by dragonwings
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 30]

Summary: Cheers! The Marauders are in for a wild ride as they conquer hearts, pranks, and friends. But the quartet has changed... Bridget McGuire is your skinny, short, glasses-wearing, youngest child pure-blood. But after being neglected by both her mother's and father's sides of the family, she's decided that her time at Hogwarts will be a time that she will never forget and always remember.


Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 18613 Chapters: 6 Completed: No
Published:
12/02/06 Updated: 10/08/07


A Day at the Spa by Nevilles Girl
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 84]

Summary:
Dear Mister Snape,
We are very pleased to present you with this once in a lifetime offer: A free day at Deena’s Magical Day Spa! Just Apparate to the address below and present this coupon to redeem your prize! We hope to see you there!
Sincerely,
Deena’s Magical Day Spa


Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1143 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/18/07 Updated: 09/26/07


Wazlibs' Wizzil Woozis by Amara Anon
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 31]

Summary: It's Ron's first disastrous day working at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. If things weren't bad enough, a very peculiar customer shows up... post-DH,
pre-Epilogue. [Oneshot]

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1283 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/01/07 Updated: 09/05/07


Never Ordinary by harrypotterfangirl21
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 21]

Summary: Tom Marvolo Riddle hated the ordinary. He never thought of himself as normal, and didnt want to be remembered as such. Normality was for other people, Tom had decided, he was destined for greatness. And he would go to any lengths to achieve those means



A partial account of Toms life at the orphanage he so hated, showcasing the most important events of his childhood.



Nominated twice for Best General Story in the 2007 QSQs!

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 4441 Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/03/07 Updated: 09/04/07


Hogwarts, Meet the Marauders! by Kelsid
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 248]

Summary: In this sequel to Harry's Our What???, James and Lily have time-travelled to the past and finally found out the truth about who their son is. Meanwhile, in their true time-frame, the Marauders have concocted a plan to rescue James and Lily. But when they arrive in Harry's time, they realize they can't get back and must seek the aid of their older counterparts.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 17066 Chapters: 7 Completed: No
Published:
09/16/05 Updated: 09/01/07


The Flying Lesson by Hypatia
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 49]

Summary: The Dark Lord pays Professor Snape a late night visit, with the intention of teaching Snape to fly.

Nominated for the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Best Humor Story!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1618 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/14/07 Updated: 08/30/07


Minding the Baby by Rhetor
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 45]

Summary: Andromeda is left alone with Teddy, or so she thinks.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3437 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/03/07 Updated: 08/05/07


Summary: Post-HBP, a lot of developments have begun to take place. While Harry is preparing himself for the big battle, You-Know-Who and his two-minded servant are too....So you have him bursting in the scene everywhere - in the wedding, in Mundungus' den, in Godric's and even in JKR's mansion...



For is a crazy universe where the real and literary worlds coexist - and the only person who hasn't read book 6 is none other than - Lord Voldemort!



Warning: severe OOCness



And what do readers say about it?



"HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is amazing! I love stories about Voldemort, and this one definitely does him justice. You have a wonderful sense of humour..."



Schmerg_the_Impaler, reknowned author of "The Dark Lord's Blog"



Chapter 3: Marital Mayhem…Part 4...The Last Leg…(the second last chapter) is waiting in line!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 13969 Chapters: 5 Completed: No
Published:
01/02/07 Updated: 07/20/07


Caffeini Zabini! by MissDramatic
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: Blaise wants to be a superhero. Hermione doesn't think he can do it. Will he prove her wrong, or is he just another wizard in spandex and sunglasses? Note: I wrote this a few years ago so a couple minor things may lean slightly AU, nothing plot significant though.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2508 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/02/07 Updated: 05/03/07


Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)

Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.

With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.

Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.

If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.

This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!

Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)


EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 4020 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
03/25/07 Updated: 04/30/07


A Past Reclaimed by nuw255
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 1455]

Summary: Sequel to A Stolen Past. Please read that story first, as this one really wont make sense if you dont.

Harry Potter has rejoined the Wizarding world after a year-long absence, but still has no memory of his time at Hogwarts. Will he ever get his memory back? Will he be able to pass his classes without it? And most importantly, will he ever be able to defeat Lord Voldemort? Read on as the last of the mysteries introduced in A Stolen Past are finally revealed.

This is a story of friendship and mystery, with a healthy dose of H/G thrown in for good measure.

Categories: Mystery Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Violence

Word count: 129677 Chapters: 35 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/15/06 Updated: 03/17/07


Summary: The Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters are locked in battle over a highly important magical artifact known to most as Voldy's Deathpants, in bold letters like that. However, they go about battle in a, er, highly unusual way-- a Quidditch match!

Probably the silliest thing that's ever appeared on this site, featuring highly OOC behaviour.

Deathpants is a team of writers consisting of Mind_Over_Matter, cmwinters, wendelin the wierd, and Schmerg_The_Impaler. Our story was written in Round Robin format. This (and our deranged minds) explains its randomness. Enjoy!

The insanity of the Deathpants has gotten to the mods! This ridiculous story WON the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Humour Story!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6640 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/02/07 Updated: 01/03/07


Happy Christmas, Lord Voldemort by Starmom
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 22]

Summary: The Death Eaters have to decide what to get Lord Voldemort for Christmas. Fun ensues.

***WINNER in the 2007 Phoenix Rising 'Mistletoe & Mayhem' Competition***

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 2434 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/20/06 Updated: 12/29/06


A Stolen Past by nuw255
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 428]

Summary: Past Featured StoryFifteen-year-old Harry Potter wakes up in his cupboard under the stairs at number four, Privet Drive with no memory of the past five years of his life. What happened to his memory? What do his strange dreams mean? And most importantly, how will he survive in a school for incurably criminal boys?


This is primarily a mystery, with a bit of shippiness thrown in here and there. Of course, if I told you WHO is involved in the shippiness, that would ruin part of the mystery, wouldnt it?


This story takes place immediately after OotP (and thus disregards HBP).




Categories: Mystery Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Violence

Word count: 61496 Chapters: 18 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/06/06 Updated: 11/15/06


Summary: A look into the life of Voldy's pet snake, Nagini.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 7566 Chapters: 7 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/01/05 Updated: 11/05/06


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