Thank you to Fresca for the beautiful author banner.
Hi, my name is Hannah, I'm 19 and live in the UK. I'm in my first year of university and spend more time on MNFF then I probably should. My fairly light university schedule has only made it easier to continue spending more time on here, even if I do occasionally get weighed down by essays.
I first discovered fanfiction between the publication of HBP and DH though it wasn't until after DH that I tried writing anything. I have started more fanfics than I can count but very few materialise into anything as I will often lose sight of my plot or realise halfway through that I don't like what I am writing. I am proud of the few stories I have written, however, and hope that if you take the time to read them, you will too.
I tend to be very open about what I will read and write so I don't generally have category or character preferences though if I had to pick Teddy Lupin is probably my favourite person to write about. My preferred pairing is Ron/Hermione, though you will notice a bit of Dramione on my author page. As a mod, I look after the categories of Ron/Hermione, Remus/Tonks and Post-Hogwarts so these tend to be where I enjoy spending most time.
I am quite active on the Beta Boards and am a proud Slytherin, as well as a moderator.
I have tried all sorts of new things on the forums, from writing drabbles on things I wouldn't usually to taking part in beta and bannermaking classes, as well as other more writing specific challenges. My favourite challenge on the Boards as always been the QWC and I have been in several teams, including one which we won (the story we wrote can be found posted below). If you are a member of the archives who hasn't yet found their way over to the forums yet, I really would urge you to try it out as there is so much to do over there and so many new things to get involved in.
While most of my stories work as standalone one shots, I have been planning and writing a series of Teddy Lupin one-shots. They do not fit together as such, but are all set in the same 'world' and some may make references to others. Therefore they are best to read chronologically (by the age Teddy is when they are set, rather than the order they were posted as I was inspired by different things at different times). I only have three up at the moment, but have more planned. The current best order to read them in is:
-->The Balancing Act
-->Loved and Lost
-->A Proper Goodbye
This was a really interesting opening chapter. I thought style and tone are particularly effective as you have really mastered the informality that comes with writing a diary and the fact that it is something personal to the writer rather than something that should ever be read. I liked the little added quirks, such as using strikeouts to show her real thoughts before she corrected them. Also, all the sentences still made sense once the strikeouts were removed which was good as it allowed the story to keep flowing. I also thought the way in which she addressed the diary as 'you' was good because it showed how personal and special the diary is to her.
While the style was good and an interesting one to use, you didn't let it interfere with the plot and still started to present a good story. I like the development of the relationship, with Emma initially determined to believe that she hates Regulus but gradually revealing her true feelings, while he acted like the traditional schoolboy idiot.
You had obviously thought about the characterisation, particularly of Emma, which is important as when an OC is the focus of a story they need to have a strong foundation. I felt she was strong and that I have already learnt enough about her to make me interested in her, such as the fact that she is a half-blood and also in Slytherin, as well as picking up little hints about her mother which makes me want to learn more. However, I had a few doubts about the other girls in the carriage particularly in the paragraph beginning, I looked away from Rita, towards her friends. as I felt that for the time and the age of the girls (fifteen if they are fifth-years) their actions were just a little too pushy and not quite realistic. However, that is only my perception of it. Another little nitpick is this sentence here: “How cute, Lovett and Regulus are flirting,” Rita, I believe is her name, gushed. It seems strange that Emma would not know the name of one her housemates by the time she reached fifth-year and for the rest of the chapter she seems to already know a bit about the girl. Therefore I don't think the 'I believe is her name' is really needed here.
Technically the chapter was good but there are a few places where commas are missing before direct address such as here: “So, what are you writing about Lovett? where there should be a comma before Lovett.
Overall this is a strong start and was a really interesting read.
Narcissa Malfoy was innocently singing her young son to sleep when an unexpected guest knocks upon Malfoy Manor door. A traumatizing event lead by this intruder will lead her to question her present and future alliances and discover what’s more important to her, her life—or her son’s? Based on a character study drabble I wrote.
I really enjoyed this, it was a really good and emotional portrayal of a mother's love and explained Narcissa's reasons for saving Harry well. I also liked the way that Narcissa was never truly on the side of Voldemort after his treatment of Draco. It was a great back story to a significant episode in DH!
Wow, this was a great DADA fic! I loved the way you kept building the suspense by referring to the older Malfoy’s opinions of his younger self and the constant hints of how he should known something was up. It made me want to keep reading and reading in order to find out exactly what had happened.
I thought your characterisation of Lucius was excellent especially as he is not a character I have read about very often. I like the theme of him attempting to catch the Kelpie which finished and ended the fic with brief appearances in the middle.
Most of all I was impressed by your climax and the spell which Lucius discovered. The fact that he had no qualms about using such a disastrous spell was perfectly in character and I think shows how evil he could truly be. The nature of the spell itself and the way it impacted in such a terrible way on so many people fitted in wonderfully and really added to the dark nature of the fic.
It was also nice to Addison making a brief appearance
What happens when you find out your whole life has been a lie? How do you react when the people you trusted, believed in confess to hiding a secret that changes everything you believed about yourself?
Hermione Granger is about to face that situation.
The war is over and life should be simple. She should be planning her future with the man she has loved since she was 11. But now, she doesn’t know who she really is. As she struggles with the grief of lost friends, she also deals with the grief of the loss of everything she believed about herself. Can she open her heart enough to let Ron help her deal with this, or will this secret drive them apart?
hmm, interesting! My first thought was Lily and James but the fact that Dumbledore went to go and tell them implies that the parents are still alive, does it? Also for the Potters to work Harry and Hermione would have to be twins and their birthdays are different.
I can't wait to read more of this, though I hope you don't keep us in suspense for too long before we find out who the real parents are.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. Don\'t worry, I won\'t keep you in suspense for too long. Only for a few chapters, as Hermione dealing with the secret and the fallout because of it, is the main focus.\r\nI have several more chapters written, so updates will be as quick as possible.\r\nThanks again for your review, I\'m glad you liked it.
Cassie! I am so sorry that I failed to be a good buddy to you last month, but I hope I can make up for it this month.
This one-shot was so terribly heart-breaking! Your writing was really excellent and by the end of it I felt so close to Dean and his emotions that I really understood his pain at Luna’s rejection. The last line: ‘It will be okay,’ is the one thing he can never, ever believe. was such a perfect way to end and really summed up the emotion and feelings of someone who has just been broken up with, when it really does feel impossible that life could be ‘okay’ again.
The opening was just as effective as the ending and the lines, Though her milky white fingers are in complete contrast with the dark ones that lace between them, they somehow seem to fit perfectly, created a really beautiful and powerful image of the couple and really helped to show the strength of Dean’s feelings that in spite of the differences, they belong together.
The use of the present tense in this story was very appropriate and used flawlessly. The writing flowed very well and the whole story fitted together wonderfully. I particularly liked how you mirrored the way Dean was so engrossed in hearing Luna speak at the beginning, but then suddenly realised at the end that, for the first time he does not want to hear what she has to say. You showed how strongly connected he felt to her that he is able to anticipate what she is about to say and be desperate not to say it.
Dean’s PoV and his characterisation were definite strengths of this one-shot. My favourite section was when you showed Dean and Seamus playing football, as it effectively showed Dean’s character, both as a typical boy – in love with football and messing around with his mates, and also as someone just starting to fall in love, and prepared to admit it to his friend for the first time. The dialogue between the two friends felt easy and natural, as it would do for a pair as close as they are.
You also handled Luna’s character very well – though there was little direct insight in to her thoughts, her speech and actions all felt extremely in character and I really felt as if a lot of thought had gone in to perfecting her character.
The whole story was incredibly emotional and you mastered the art of sharing this emotion with the reader. It was a great read, so well done!
I thought this was really good and a very different and interesing take on the usual post-hogwarts bliss you tend to find in fanfics. I wish you could have left me with a bit more hope at the end - I sort of got the feeling that maybe things weren't going to change and I wonder if you left it that way intentially or you wanted people to feel there was hope at the end, because if that was your intention then I found I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of optimism for their future.
I thought your writing style was generally very good though as I was reading I did notice one thing I didn't like as much. You used the words `the boy` or `the girl` a lot and I don't think they really worked - it would have been better to say either their name or just he and she. Again I'm not sure if you used `girl` and `boy` to create a particular effect but if you did then I'm not I understand what, especially because it wasn't consistent throughout.
I quite liked your characterisation and I think you really brought out the darker/angsty side of Harry that is usually only seen in short snatches. The only character I wasn't sure about was Aaron. He seemed to appear out of nowhere and one minute he was insulting Harry in a snape-like manner and the next having a pleasant conversation with Ginny before suddenly exploding at Harry again. I can't help thinking Ginny would have been so calm about the way Aaron insulted Harry, though it is perhaps just evidence of the way his drinking has taken its toll on her.
Overall I enjoyed this and I hope you don't think my review is too critical. Hope to read more from you soon!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!\r\n\r\nThis was actually written for a challenge, which was why I was writing Harry/Ginny in the first place! But everything I write turns out rather sad, so I guess that was to be expected. At the end, I was actually debating between writing a happier versus a sadder ending and went with the sadder one because it seemed more reallistic to me and because, in a far-off corner of my mind, I was alreadly planning a vague follow-up (although I\'m not sure if that will ever happen so don\'t count on it!).\r\n\r\nUm . . . yes. I rather agree. I was just rereading this the other day and realized how awkward that sounded, so hopefully, I\'ll get around to changing that soon. ;) The reason why \'the boy\'/\'the girl\' was there in the first place was because I had originally written the entire thing without using Harry or Ginny\'s name once, but after I had gotten to a certain part in the story, that was no longer feasible as there were many more characters, so I switched back to the familiar Harry/Ginny. Unfortunately, my proofreading skills are not quite up to snuff.\r\n\r\nAbout Aaron . . . I\'ve got mixed reviews on him on other sites as well. He was something I threw into the story on a whim (can you tell I don\'t plan much when I write? xD) and well, I think he provides a needed juxtaposition to Harry to sort of show what Ginny could have as well as the power of love. And that Snape-ish line was there for my sole amusement since I\'m rather in love with Snape and after I wrote the line, I didn\'t want to take it out!\r\n\r\nOnce again, thanks for the review. =] Don\'t worry about crit. It\'s needed and very useful and reminds me that I need to get off my lazy behind and correct all those mistakes that litter my stories!
I thought this fic was really well written and dealt with the issues in quite a mature way. However, I like many people I'm sure, hate to think of Lily and James as the perfect couple so I find it difficult to appreciate the plot, though that is due to my own preferences, not to the way it is written. I like your style and I hope I get a chance to read more of what you have written,
I really enjoyed this one-shot. The pairing of Remus/Tonks is a really great one, in my opinion, and I think you presented their fledgling relationship wonderfully. I liked the setting and time of the piece – before they are together but as they are beginning to notice the sparks. The ending was beautiful; you led the reader to what was about to happen, but almost in the same way that Sirius closed the door on the couple to let them be alone, the reader was made to leave them to have their moment of intimacy in private. You set up the moment perfectly and I don’t think the kiss actually had to be shown for the reader to still feel the warm glow that comes at the end of a romance fiction or to understand the feelings between the pair.
The opening was also equally effective. It was good how, rather than launching straight into the romance part of the story, you set the scene a bit and introduced us to the characters first. The opening line, “…And then, she says —” Sirius once again nearly fell off the chair, his entire body giving in to the fit of laughter that overtook him. “— she says —” in particular made me laugh, as it was so very real, and the situation is one so many people have experienced where one person is trying to tell a humorous story and ends up frustrating the listener by laughing rather than being able to tell it!
The characterisation in this story was excellent. Both Sirius and Remus seemed absolutely perfect and just as I could imagine them behaving. I love how the difference in their characters was shown so appropriately through Sirius being the one to introduce the word ‘shag’, something you cannot imagine Remus ever saying, and who therefore changes it, right at the end to I’d make love to you. I have to confess that this part really did make me go aw, as well as slightly mushy inside and was such a great summing up of the ways in which their characters differ.
Tonks was also very much in character. Through canon, we always get the impression that she is the one to push for their relationship and here, even though Remus does reciprocate (which is great as he must have felt something for her to in order to have married and had a child with her, even if we do only ever seem to see doubtful Remus in canon), she seems to be the one making the initial hints, with the looks and the gentle flirting. For one agonising moment, I felt her pain so sharply here: “I wouldn’t shag you, Nymphadora.” and for the briefest of times, I wondered if Remus was about to back out but then he came through with his wonderful show of affection.
The subtlety of the romance was definitely one of the strengths of this one-shot. For the first couple of paragraphs, as I settled into the story, I began to question when the relationship was going to appear, but then, the little hints started to appear, such as the looks, I gradually saw, even in the short space of the story and prodded along with the help of Sirius, their relationship begin to grow. The use of a - relatively minor - Order plot, gave a little bit of extra interest to the story and gave a purpose to it, rather than just being focused on romance, but the relationship was shown wonderfully within it and I really enjoyed the read!
Author's Response: I admit I started to read your review with great trepidation. I saw the length of it and thought, "Oh, this could be very good or very bad." I finished each paragraph thinking, "Oh, I'm so glad she liked that, but, the next paragraph is when she tells me what she disliked. Oh, not that paragraph? Well, it's the next one in which she'll tell me it all fell apart at Point X..." And you didn't! I really am glad you enjoyed this. So many fics show a brooding, drunken Sirius during that time, but I hate to think he didn't have a few lighthearted moments there at Grimmauld Place. And he no doubt would have teased Remus--and Tonks!--relentlessly. He can be so much fun to write! As far as Remus goes... I'm glad you thought I handled his character well. It's so difficult to get that balance of "want to/can't" when it comes to his feelings toward Tonks. Of course, at some point, he had to give in some to encourage her. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been so devastated later. And Tonks--I wish there was more in the books about her. She's such an interesting character, and I can't see her being the kind to be so very affected by a romance gone bad unless she really, truly loved the man. I can't help but want to kick Remus ever so slightly in the tail region for even thinking she couldn't handle his financial condition, his 'furry little problem', or their age difference. She's a tough chick! I know he loves her and is just trying to protect her, but, she's an Auror, for Pete's sake! Oh, there I go, climbing onto my soapbox. Sorry! The line, "I’d make love to you", came to me in a dream, if you can believe that, and the whole fic was built out of that, so I'm grinning like a fool to know it made you go slightly mushy inside. The fact that you liked the subtlety of this is much appreciated, too. I feared it would be too subtle! I can't tell you how much I appreciated the lovely review and the wonderful compliments you gave my story. It's been one of my favourite 'children', and it's nice to know it's liked so very much. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!
He could remember forcing his way through the mass of bodies, fighting through the crowd to reach his brother who lay, eyes closed, in the centre of the hall.
He remembered the restraining arms and the disjointed phrases such as "Colin" and "dead" and "sorry", all of which were meaningless, as all Dennis wanted to do was wake his brother and feel safe and happy again.
Hi, I'm so glad you got this approved - it's such a sweet one-shot! You already know what I think of it so this is just to say well done for getting your first fic approved and I hope there will be many more from you.
Author's Response: Thanks again for all your help! I have a feeling I\'ll be looking for it again very soon!
After all the talk of the Gauntlet in the CR I felt I should come and I have to say wow! This is really good - you two have nothing to worry about. It reads like a proper fic (by which I mean it doesn't feel like things are being dicatated by prompts but that it all just flows as one.)
I think both characters are really well and I'm intrigued by what is going to happen next - how many chapters have you got?
I loved the little comment about a biography of Harry - so funny!
Anyway, looking forward to reading more. Think I should go and R&R some other Slyth Gauntlets in order to be fair.
wow, it's over! I think this is very impressive as a whole. I like the details about portrait painting, something I've never really thought about before. The characterisation of both your main characters is really good though I'm not sure how I feel about your Harry/Ginny - I suppose it could happen but I don't picture it.
Good luck in the competition. I hope you do well!
”Moonshine, stepping in front of my skyline. Give me a minute to figure it out, figure why we had to fall apart. You're the moonshine, stepping in front of my skyline. Can't I get a minute to figure it out, figure why we had to fall apart?”
As a new year starts, the Marauders are all bogged down with their own trifles, Remus Lupin in particular. His sneaking around with a certain peer turns out to be his demise with his mates. Especially the one whose attention he craves the most. Does he feel it's a big enough deal to dangerously reveal things in order to only possibly earn back this boy's friendship? (Maybe more if all goes well.) Or does he choose to wait until the anger subsides? If it will ever. . . .
Disclaimer: I do not own the title to this story, nor the lyrics posted above. They are the property solely of Puddle of Mudd of the song of the same name. I don't claim to own them, only use them as a comparison for a certain werewolf and his troubles. Period.
Wow! That was a quick validation. I'm glad you've managed to get this accepted and as you know I love this!
Hope to hear from you soon and keep it up for the rest.
Author's Response: Yeah, i'm out of chappies now so i hope i can get to writing and then to you. thanks!
Aw, Thank you! What a great piece of Ron/Hermione fluff - just what I wanted. :)
Author's Response: I am so glad that you enjoyed this! :) It was a lot of fun to write. I like that pairing too. (well any canon ones!) :) Cyns
This is my final for Mithrilquill's Newt Potions Class
It took me a while to fully understand (and I hope I have grasped it all now) but I thought this was a great fic. From the way Addison was talking, I began to think that she was in real danger, but then to learn that the reason she went to such great lengths was just to hear the person she loved telling her that he loved her was so beautiful and so sad.
I was amazed that Snape agreed to do it, but the fact that he recognised his own feelings for Lily when he looked at Addison through Sirius’ eyes was very powerful and effective.
I’m glad that you are continuing to use the character of Addison and I thought the characterisation of all your characters was great. I especially like the way Lucius summoned her using ‘accio’, so typical of his disdainful treatment towards her.
Oh wow, Rhi, this was powerful! The description and the imagery really drew me in to Snape's mind and I felt I was experiencing everything with him. In this paragraph: He had always liked wind and rain, had opened the window above his bed at night as a child to let the two lull him to sleep, powerful yet rhythmic, wash him away from Spinner’s End till his being was refracted, a million raindrops, one with the universe. I could feel the beat of the rain and imagine the calming effect it would have, making him believe he could escape his home. You allowed me to completely understand his pain and his anguish. There are so many moments in this fic which blew me away that it is hard to pick out just a few. This use of personification in this line, All that was left was the wind sighing mournfully as it died in the trees, was excellent as you took a real sound such as the wind in the trees, which can have a sad sound to it, and presented it as such a vivid image, making me feel that even the wind was mourning for Lily, but that it too, must die.
While I thought the description was the strongest thing about this piece, your characterisation of Snape was excellent also. We see in DH how much his love for Lily was still present years later and so it is realistic that his love for her on the night of her death was so strong that it caused him to feel agonising pain. Generally, Snape is not a character I sympathise with but in this chapter, I felt so completely awful for him and for the pain he was suffering. I could feel in hopelessness in this line: He knew he was insane, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. It is as if he has completely given up. He knows there is nothing he can do to change the fact that Lily has died and nothing matters to him anymore, including his own sanity, if he can't change things.
I thought the ending was very effective. It seems as though he finally cracks completely, at the thought of celebrating. It was again, so heart-breaking to read. And I shared the pain of how he could ever feel happy or celebrate after what had happened.
Technically, this was excellent and the only slight nitpick I have is that in the opening you describe the sky as clear and the fact that all the stars are clear. However it is also raining which means there must have been some sort of clouds in the sky. But, I wasn't sure if it was metaphorical rain!
I'm so happy I stumbled across this - it's been a while since I've read such a powerfully emotional story.
Arabella is a normal girl, from a normal wizarding family. A worry is constantly sitting on her stomach, though, and soon that worry has to be confirmed.
*Profanity minor, and one incident only*
*is under pressure to give as awesome a review as you gave me*
Wow, this story was so good and so sad! You portrayed the feelings of Arabella very affectively. I found the reaction of her family and the fact that her father's first reaction was to comfort her mother rather than her to be particularly heart-breaking. It was a really interesting account of how a wizarding family would react to the thought of having a squib in the family. I thought this line in particular: ‘Magic ...’ I breath, enthralled by the moment. was so sweet and showed her fascination with magic and her wish to be able to do it herself (except I believe it should be breathe).
My only nitpicks are that Apparating should be capitalised and this line: As the first of the eleventh grows nearer is a little confusing and I'm not sure what you mean by it. I wasn't sure if you were referring to the day on which they start school, in which case it should be first of the ninth. This could just be me being too confused though.
All in all, a great story and I'm glad I stumbled across it. Hmm, Ok so maybe not quite such an awesome review though.
Author's Response: Thanks [and it was an awesome review]! I'm glad you liked it. I think I meant the month by the first of the eleventh but somehow I got the wrong month *headdesk* Nevermind, I'll edit in a minute. And that's exactly what I was aiming for with that first line you quoted, so I'm pleased it had that effect. XD Thanks again, dear! xx
Ah, Viv, I was in the mood for a good bit of fluffy romance when I clicked on this and I must say you did not disappoint. The thing which appealed to me right from the beginning is that you went against the stereotype of ‘Angelina really loved Fred and ended up settling for other twin when he died’ and you presented the idea that it had been George she fancied the entire time. That was a great way to do it as it meant that instantly the focus of the story was on George and Angelina rather than with Fred there as a third wheel in their relationship.
I thought the style and the use of Angelina’s POV were both good and as a reader I really felt involved in her thoughts as the tone was very natural. I like the way you presented her thoughts such as here: Or maybe you could really start a conversation this time, silly girl, she said to herself. This line made me smile – I liked the way she showed her worries and the fact that she berated herself for being ‘silly’ and not wanting to go into the shop. Angelina’s character was generally strong and very realistic, in my opinion, especially all her doubts and fears about facing her school girl crush.
Having read so many dark George fics, I found it interesting that he was very much the same as he had always been in this story. But then, there is no rule that says George had to become depressed after his twin’s death and I thought the George you wrote was very charming as well as being his usual funny self. I did notice, however that you described him as wearing robes of a dark red that suited him incredibly well. and I’m not sure that I’m completely convinced that as a red-headed Weasley, George would suit red robes – I thought they would clash a bit.
Both of the chapters seemed well-planned – I liked that you showed how George came to ask Angelina out as well as showing the actual evening itself. I also thought that the setting of the Ball was a wonderfully romantic setting for their first ‘date’ and was an interesting idea. It also allowed you to include snippets of other characters such as Harry and Ginny, which was nice. The interaction between the two was very sweet, natural and generally well done. I especially liked the scene in the shop in the first chapter. That was my favourite part of the whole fic as I felt their little conversation was perfect for establishing both their characters’ thoughts and feelings as well as showing the ease with which they got on with each other.
Technically this was also good. There was one occasion where a comma is missing before direct address in the first chapter, here: “Hi George,”. There is also one sentence where I’m not sure about a choice of word: Once inside, she wandered through the numerous tables and shelves packed with tons of items more cranky than the others. The word ‘cranky’ doesn’t seem to make sense to me in here but I don’t know if there’s another meaning to it that I’m missing.
Overall this was great and I’m glad I found it to read.
The thing which immediately stands out in this fic is the use of the second person and I think you handled it incredibly well. It was an appropriate choice for this story. The only thing I felt about the style as I was reading is that it could have worked better in the present tense. It’s not something I would usually say but there were parts of this story which in my opinion, just screamed out to be written in the present tense and to have combined the second person and the present tense would have been really effective. I did notice that in this sentence: “Sirius,” you whisper once again, your voice heavy. you did slip into the present tense, making it inconsistent with the rest of the story.
The tone you established in this story is also very good. You portray the secret relationship between the two in a believable manner without being melodramatic. I loved the effect of this line: you made your way to your tree. His tree. The tree. You used the ‘rule of three’ really well here to show something so simple but so important to their relationship. I also liked Remus’ view of the relationship as an addiction. Addictions are something generally considered to be negative and I think this suggests he finds it easier to explain his love for Sirius as an addiction that he can’t control and that he needs, rather than the traditional view of love as something which is good and beautiful to have.
The characterisation is strong and I really felt I understood Remus’ fear about what he was doing, particularly in this sentence: “What are you doing, Sirius?” you asked, frightened that someone would see you in the open, almost touching and so vulnerable. It is so heartbreaking that he is scared to even be seen ‘almost’ touching and shows the constant fear that someone will discover them and their secret. I always find it easier to imagine Remus rather than Sirius as being involved in a slash relationship but you handled Sirius well here. You showed a more sensitive side to him than in most things I read but it was believable and appropriate in this story. This line: He always found his constellation before he could concentrate on anything more than the endless black sky. was a particularly good representation of his character, showing his restlessness. I felt from the way you portrayed it that Sirius was the character more in control of the relationship and this was good as with Remus’ uncertainty and doubt, he would have been more likely to follow Sirius than lead him.
The story itself was captivating and I found myself feeling truly involved with what was happening and experiencing all of Remus’ fears as well as the small moments of joy and painful longing and the thrill of sneaking out of the castle to be together.
Author's Response: your reviews rock, love. thank you so much :D i'm really happy that you enjoyed it!
Wow – you two handled this challenge brilliantly! The two differing POVs fitted together perfectly and even though both were in the first person it was always clear whose POV I was reading from. Each section fitted together so well that I would not have thought that I was reading writing by two different authors – it was very cohesive and that is excellent.
I have to say that Rosmerta/Sirius is not a pairing I would ever have even thought could exist but this chapter has made me believe that it could happen and it could work. I like the presentation of Rosmerta as lonely and thought this line: I either needed to get out like my brain was screaming, or fall back into the routine like I had done all my life. was particularly good for showing how she was truly feeling – as if she needed to escape her everyday life and do something exciting. For Sirius to come along as a charming, young man full of enthusiasm and energy showed how she could have something more out her life.
The interaction and the dialogue between the two really fitted the style and gave such a sweet presentation of a couple just beginning to get to know each other. There were moments in this story which made me go ‘aw’ which I always see as a sign of a good romance. The easy conversation and the friendly banter between the two was particularly noticeable in the Shrieking Shack scene and I loved the sarcastic quips between the two such as Rosmerta’s “Do magicians need to walk to perform magic?” as they showed how well they were suited to each other and how easily they could interact with each other. I also liked the fact that in spite of Sirius’ attempts to remain casual, he had clearly planned the date in advance and is keen to make it as special as he can for Rosmerta.
There were other moments which made me smile, particularly this line: his face crinkling with happiness. I find the image of Sirius’ face ‘crinkling’ to be so sweet and I think this was an excellent choice of word, a feature which was strong throughout the story.
I also liked the fact that while in general things were easy between the two, you kept them true to their characters by incorporating moments of doubt and awkwardness, where Rosmerta, especially, does not know how to respond to Sirius’ actions. I felt this was best shown here: In a sudden, offhandedly-casual movement, I rested my elbow on the counter. I realized my mistake instantly as Rosmerta drew back from the bar, drew into herself, her brow furrowing in confusion. I spoke quickly to move past the awkward moment. as it uses the idea that Rosmerta is confused as to why she is receiving attention and doesn’t know how to respond in this confusion. I also like the fact that Sirius showed an awareness of his actions and of how they might influence Rosmerta. I felt both characters were very well-handled.
I have nothing to nitpick in this story. It was obviously well-planned and is a sweet portrayal of a first date between two interesting characters. It most certainly deserved its challenge win.
Oh, wow. I had read this before but it was just as powerful on a second reading. Firstly, and most importantly as this was for your characterisation class, the characterisation in this piece was flawless. The class has obviously worked because I felt you'd really thought about all your characters, not just Lavender. I could feel myself being completely understanding of why she didn't want to fight but also the pain of seeing others standing up for themselves. I particularly liked the fact that she was constantly remembering the words her father said to her and using them as a sort of mantra every time she found herself coming close to breaking and wanting to help. Also, Lavender was never a perfect character - her activities with Ron and the presentation of her as a bit of an airhead in the earlier books haven't made her the most popular of characters - and you've shown this. However, like many of the students at Hogwarts that year, she was forced to become serious and face up to reality and I feel this chapter shows a very good development of her from hoping she can avoid the horrors of the war at the beginning, to undergoing terrible experiences and realising she has to stand up and fight against the regime.
The other characters were all in character as well, from Ginny's angry reaction to Neville's calmness. I've not read a great deal of Blaise but I found your portrayal of him interesting and I'm looking forward to reading more about him.
Moving on to plot, you presented the horror of Hogwarts during that year very well. The torture, the arguing, the terrible things which happen to Lavender at the end of this chapter, are all things which could believably have happened once the school was in charge of the Death Eaters.
The section in which Lavender says this: “Blood status,” replied Lavender harshly. “You three are pure-bloods, aren’t you? Snape respects that!” was particularly interesting as it was not something I had ever thought about before but I can imagine that even within those that were against the regime, blood-status still had a heavy influence, which is understandable if the half-bloods felt the Pure-bloods were receiving special treatment.
I tried to find something to nitpick in this but technically it is impeccable. My only one discovery was a missing space here: then it disappeared.Not too bad, but that's me being really fussy. On a personal preference level, I felt this line: Merlin, NO! she tried to scream, but it was hopeless. would have read better with a captial S for she so that rather than trying to scream 'Merlin, No!', she thought it and then tried to scream. But again that is purely a personal thing I felt as I was reading rather than an actual mistake.
Overall a great first chapter - you've really sucked me into the story and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Author's Response: WOW! Thank you so much for the amazing review. It's almost a one shot! Thank you for your comments on Lavender's character. I want to show her as something more that the 'airhead'. After all Ron wasn't entirely innocent in the snogging and sloppiness either.
I glad you picked up on the blood status lines. It's something I wondered about since DH, because Neville tells the Trio that the Carrows don't want to spill too much pure-blood. Now, we all know why Snape sent them on an easy detention, but the students didn't realise he was a bad guy.
Blaise will unfold more in the second chapter and especially the third, but the first chapter was basically about the much-maligned Lavender.
Thanks again for the review. I was gobsmacked when I read it and feel all warm and fuzzy now. Carole xxx