Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
Summary: The last thing Draco expects to find when he escapes his parents’ party is another deserter. He also doesn’t expect her to be quite so sarcastic, arrogant, or — well — so much like him.
Nice, I don’t usually read Draco, but I’m pleased I did this time. I loved the way Astoria and Draco are so similar but, in a way, they clash. It’s like he says this, she throws it back in his face with that. Lol.
The characterisation for both characters was lovely. I liked how they both left the party, for basically the same reason.
I noticed that she had taken off her shoes, and her hair didn’t look as proper as most of the women out there had. - Draco noticing a little thing like her hair, though it doesn’t jump out at us, was a nice, subtle touch.
We just stared out into the dark night invaded by perfect flakes of snow that fell softly to the ground. I didn’t think they would stick, but it was still a nice sight. - Draco appreciates the snow? Aww… I like that idea, and the imagery is fitting for the story.
“Because you nearly tore my arms out of their sockets earlier — and your arrogance was annoying me.” - great line. Two arrogant people, picking on the other’s arrogance. Their conversation was entertaining.
“I think it’s worse that you’re the one who left your own family’s party. They’ll notice your esteemed absence far before mine,” she said dryly, and picked the book she had been reading. - ‘picked up’? I liked the use of ‘dryly’. It says a lot about Astoria.
It seemed more like she was merely stating a fact, and not adding any personal feelings or judgment come into it. - you need to remove ‘come’. Or you could change ‘adding’ to ‘letting’, though that would change the meaning slightly.
She didn’t seem to mind and slipped it one regardless. - ‘slipped it on’.
“This is beautiful, though, isn’t it?” she said softly, her voice very different from - from what? I’m thinking ‘before’ and in that case, I like the change in her tone.
But for some reason I had the knowledge that she truly was listening, not matter how short her responses were. - ‘no matter’.
My favourite bit has to be where she introduces herself. Bowing to Malfoy? Heehee.
I liked the end, because we know they’re going to turn back, but I didn’t expect them to collide on their way back to each other. There was something warming about the hug, too, and it made me smile.
Good story. xx
Summary: It does not have eyes or a mind, yet it knew everything that went on behind closed doors. It does not have feelings and it does not have a physical body, yet it accompanied the Minister wherever he went. It knows all about the power changes that happened in the Ministry, but it does not have a voice with which to speak. What it does have is a particularly hideous color and a place where it doesn’t belong.
Ooh, I love the insight we have into Scrimgeour’s character here, and the battle blazing inside him about a hat, of all things, is somewhat funny.
Rufus Scrimgeour sat down in the large, luxurious, leather chair. - this sentence struck me immediately. The list of three and alliteration. To me, that emphasises his power. I’m not entirely sure why, but it does. In fact, you kept up the description the whole way through, and usually I like a balance between dialogue and imagery, but this didn’t bore me at all. You kept my attention the whole way through.
Scrimgeour was unable tear his eyes away from it. - ‘to tear’.
The years hat not been kind to the old lime bowler. - LOL. I love the typo there. I think you mean ‘had not’.
When he had gone the Triwizard Tournament and represented the entire Ministry, he had worn that hat. - ‘gone to the’.
He reached out a pale hand and snatched the hat back out of the brim. - ‘out of the bin’?
Cornelius Fudge stared right back at him. - I love the way that Scrimgeour is terrified, almost, of becoming another Fudge. I think that is what interested me most about this piece. Scrimgeour seems to be trying to convince himself that he will be a powerful Minister of Magic, and he won’t mess up like Fudge did. Of course, we know that in a way they are both as bad as each other.
The description surrounding the hat was lovely, as it really symbolised what Fudge’s time in the office was like. The wording was perfect.
He, Rufus Scrimgeour, was the Minister of Magic. - this last line is very definite, which makes it more powerful. It’s very final, and was a great endnote.
Good work. x
Author's Response: Thank you for all of your feedback!
Summary: Andromeda Tonks has lost nearly everything. Now is she left to raise a child alone. Overwhelmed with grief and fear, she finds one person to turn to in the chaos.
Oh, man. I knew they were going to get together eventually - *it was set in the stars* - but I did not see that coming when he knocked on the door.
That was a lovely chapter. Andromeda’s reluctance to let Teddy go with Harry was perfect - not overdone at all. I like that she acknowledges what Dora would’ve wanted, and what Harry wants.
The mention of Molly made me think. When she killed Bellatrix in DH, I didn’t think much of it, though I was a bit surprised. But this woke me up - how would having the knowledge that she’d killed someone (even the Dark Lord’s most faithful servant) affect her? I bet all around everybody is telling her how fantastic it was, and she probably knows it too, but would she feel guilty or what?
Kingsley is such a gentleman. >> Or something to that affect, anyway. :]
His hands wrapped around hers as she struggled to remove his clothes. He stopped her, and pulled away from her embrace.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
The same tiny voice screamed no, but she ordered it shut up.
“Yes,” she whispered to him. “I want this.”
I suppose this will make Andromeda feel really good … until the next morning. Will she feel guilty, because she’s probably only ever done that sort of thing with Ted before (or so I’ve always assumed)? I get this impression from the ’voice in her head’. The next chapter will be interesting.
Rushing around the house, Andromeda threw Teddy’s favorite toys in a bag. Every few seconds, she would stop with a toy in her hand debating if it should go in the bag.
The repetition of ‘bag’ is distracting. Maybe you could change it to ‘debating whether to pack it’ or something similar.
Still, after everything he’d done for her, all she managed to do for him was give him a crappy meal while Teddy slept.
Somebody else may disagree, but I cannot imagine Andromeda using the word ‘crappy’. I know it’s not first person PoV, but third person omniscient is close enough, I think. It just threw me slightly.
She sat aside the spoon she’d been using to stir the sauce and rushed to open it. - ‘set’ and not ‘sat’.
Good work. I look forward to chapter five. xx
Author's Response: Naturally, Andromeda is reluctant to see Teddy go. But I've never thought of her as a selfish person. She'll do what's best for everyone. Of course, she cares about what her daugther wants. And Teddy needs interaction oustide the home.
Sigh. I guess your Bella and Molly comments mean I'm writing this the way I meant to, but still. Ouch! I love Bella. Adore her. Actually believe she didn't die in DH. However, it was easier for this fic to leave her dead. Bella has no rule and explaining that she's alive would do nothing for the plot. And I really hate Molly. I think she's controlling, demanding, and petty. But I tried to write this the way Andromeda would be thinking. I really doubt she has any fondness for her sister, and she has no reason to dislike Molly, especially when she was close to Dora and Teddy's godfather.
But despite my personal feelings about Molly I don't think she would respond well to taking a life. She's a bit ridiculous and annoying, but she's far from a killer. Having Bella's blood on her hands would be very hard for her to deal with.
And you make very good observations about the story. The morning after is indeed the next chapter. So far there have been time gaps between the chapters, but the next morning is important to the plot. Although, I will warn you, this is not a long fic. It's ten chapters long. Just so you're not expecting a novel or anything here.
Also thanks for the nitpicks. I've fixed the errors. Some of which I meant to fix in the first place. Like crappy. LOL. I never did find the right word for that sentence.
Thanks for the really lovely review. Sorry for all the Bella and Molly ranting. I just love my Bella.
That was exactly how I’d imagined Andromeda would be. The sum up of how she felt, about Ted watching her: realistic. I hope she lets Kingsley back in, all the same. Everybody will be sad else. :[
No, Andromeda’s feelings were perfectly done. Sometimes, I get the feeling that my dead are watching over me. Not quite the same situation, but it helps when you think like that to get in Andromeda’s shoes.
“Andromeda.” - that’s Harry speaking right? That’s the impression I got, but the word sounded flat, as if somebody beside her was just saying her name. I would use an exclamation mark to make it sound more far away - like a call. But you might be going for a different effect…
Good chapter. xx
Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm glad Andromeda's reaction came off right. I was a little worried I might have overdone some of it.
As for Kingsley, well of course, Andromeda is struggling. But who could give Kingsley the cold shoulder forever?
I do like this story. This is my favourite chapter so far. The words, phrases, and atmosphere - it does a good job of showing the reader what it’s like to have an infant. But with this, you also have Andromeda’s grief coupled on the top of that.
With his little hand, he reached towards the owl, closing his tiny fingers around the beak. - I can really see that happening. It makes you think of any small child - the movement and the description. I like the way you use a toy owl, of all things. Muggle kids wouldn’t have one of those. XD
The room settled in silence. Everyone was exhausted. Teddy had fallen asleep in Andromeda’s arms, and she rested her head against the chair, closing her eyes. - I could actually feel the silence. And, granted, the room I’m in is silent, but I could feel the calmness, the tiredness. I could see the baby in Andromeda’s arms.
Maybe her grandson felt as safe in Kingsley’s arms as she did.
“Thank you,” she whispered as Kingsley lowered the sleeping infant back into the crib. “You must have the magical touch.”
That made me smile. It was mainly the word ‘magical’ that did it for me, but the whole concept of those couple of lines is nice. Andromeda finds comfort in Kingsley’s arms, Kingsley’s presence. Teddy finds comfort in Kingsley’s arms, Kingsley’s presence.
It’ll be interesting to see how this fic plays out. Good work. xx
Author's Response: Wow, thanks. I really appreciate the long review. I was actually a little leery of my ability to write about a baby having never been around them much. I'm glad it's coming of well. Thanks so much for all your wonderful comments.
Oh my God - I had to blink so much at the end of that to stop myself crying. That was a beautiful chapter - you captured Andromeda’s anguish so precisely. It made me even sadder when it ended though, because I wanted him to tell her everything was all right, and Tonks and Remus were coming back. But of course, he doesn’t - he can’t.
She paced around the room, disturbing Teddy in her arms. - ‘she’d’?
The soundless house made her uncomfortable. - I don’t like the repetition of ‘house’. How about considering changing it to ‘rooms’ or something similar?
You’re mom is always putting herself in dangerous positions. - ‘your’.
This chapter was quite magical in a way, because you linked the idea of all the horrible silence (which Meda is so unused to) from the beginning, to the middle, to the end. I think it was effective to keep the idea running all the way.
The one thing that bugged me about this chapter though, is the sentence length. Shorter sentences are very effective, and they are in this chapter too - they fit it perfectly, but I think you overused them. In some places, you have two or three different sentences, where they could be just as successful rolled into one. I think you should keep the majority of this in short sentences, it reflects how Andromeda is feeling well, but it would be better if you chucked a few more longer ones in. Someone else may disagree with me on that, though. That’s purely my opinion.
There were no signs of comfort there. A single tear fell down his cheek. - This sentence confused me at first as I though Kingsley was offering her no comfort, but then I got it. And it’s lovely and sad that he’s crying too, but I always imagined Kingsley as harder than that. You know? I think he would try to keep his composure just to make it a little less hard for Andromeda. Though he may cry with her, or his eyes might be full of tears … Or he could struggle to tell her, and that would be enough for her to know. And then the tear could come.
She didn’t feel his touch or know where she was. She only knew that her baby was gone. - that’s a great way of describing the grief. I think that line alone really got through to me, as the reader.
I look forward to the next chapter - I really liked this one. x
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review and suggestions. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.
Summary: The Next generation go trick or treating in Ottery St Catchpole - with some embarassing results! Written for the Slytherin Halloween fic echxange on the Beta Boards.
LOL. Good story. I liked the way it’s centred around James being too old for trick or treating, though if James is too old, why is Victoire there? Isn’t she quite a few years older than the whole lot of them?
James strode confidently ahead of the others, jauntily swinging a cauldron in one hand and a lantern in the other. - yes, that sounds exactly like the James II I imagine. XD
The pride everyone feels in their monster costumes is funny. The idea of James dressed up as Nearly Headless Nick made me laugh. Hm… I wonder how he’d pull that one off?
The Weasley grandchildren had not been troubled by such oddities, and their cauldrons had begun to fill with sweets and chocolate, even some Muggle money. Rose was turning over a pound coin in her hand thoughtfully, wondering how many Knuts she could exchange it for.
My favourite part. I love the use of ‘oddities’ as the story is based at Halloween. And Rose examining the one-pound coin reminds me of Ron so much! In PS/SS (I think it was), Harry got some money from the Dursleys, which Ron found interesting. Though, admittedly, he probably wasn’t wondering how much he’d get in wizarding terms for it.
Rose lending a Muggle kid a wizarding History book - I like that. She’s Hermione’s daughter, so it’s quite an amusing concept when you consider her mother’s character.
A couple of nit-picks:
Victoire and Lily has smiled at them serenely and got on with business of finding silver cauldrons to match their outfits. - ‘had smiled’ and ‘the business’?
He wondered how the darkest being the wizarding world would react to having a lantern pole shoved up its… Rose! - ‘being in the’.
Good work. xx
‘Reluctant Love’ was awesome, so I had to read this. And it rocks. I love that it fills in the time-gap with a few details, but it leaves the rest to your imagination. Plus there was no Lily in this one, so she couldn’t complicate anything xD
The beginning was great. The way you mentioned no names - I like that. It kept me there, wanting to find out who these people were.
The mention of this Hufflepuff obsessed with inter-house unity. Lol. I get the impression Scorpius and him don’t quite see eye-to-eye, but I don’t think Scorpius totally disagrees with the unity thing either. He’s there at the party for one, and he gets on with Rose (by the end), and he used to be friends with Lily too, though you don’t tell us whether he still is. But then it doesn’t really matter.
They remained entwined until their lips had almost bruised and the sounds from above were impossible to ignore.
Love the imagery there. The word ‘bruised’ made me stop and wince. Heehee. I also liked the description of Rose when Scorpius first sees her. That was well handled - I could very much imagine the scene.
As he strolled along the room - ‘along’ doesn’t seem like the right word.
Accio quill - you don’t mention anything about ink, and a quill kind of depends on that :)
Anyways, good work. And I would read more if you wrote it -- I love the characters you’ve woven. xx
Author's Response: I didn't think about the ink thing... ugh. lol. I'll fix 'along', it should be 'through' I suppose. Thanks for such a lovely review! I think he and Lily would have gotten over their problems, actually. She never liked him as much as Rose did. ~ Casie
Summary: In which Remus considers his feelings and hesitations as he once again steals away on a nightly rendezvous with Sirius.
Winner of the 2009 QSQ for Best Same-Sex Pairing! =]
Before I visited your drabble thread I’d never read slash. But this is so beautifully written, so I’m pleased I delved in. What attracted me was the way Remus is scared of anyone finding out his secret, but at the same time, it makes him deliriously happy - the secretiveness serving only to make the relationship even better. Or that’s how I see it, at least. xD
The idea of ‘addiction’ that you carried from the beginning to end was nice. Holding onto this concept was effective.
Your use of second person was… *melts* A lot of authors, including myself, find this difficult to stop getting repetitive, and I hate repetition where there’s no reason, so you handled the point of view well, because I had no reason to get annoyed at ‘you’ for every other word. If that made sense. Because it wasn’t like that.
His tree. The tree. - I like the emphasis on ‘tree’ there. That’s the sort of repetition I love :D
Also, the second person didn’t give too much away. At the end, you know what they’re doing, but because Remus doesn’t outright tell us anything, it leaves more for the imagination.
The characterisation is handled well. Sirius was the outgoing, more carefree person, while Remus was more contained. Or from third person he would’ve been, I should think. I especially got this sense at the beginning when Sirius knocked Remus over.
“Wha—Oh, right,” - you need a question mark after the hyphen, because he was going to ask something.
Good work. I loved the way you handled this. xx
Author's Response: *huggles* Thanks! I love Remus and Sirius both as characters, so I'm glad you liked them as I wrote them! I'll make that nitpick xD Thanks!
Ellie has always been green-eyed with jealousy over her older sister’s ability to do magic, and Marie has always taken pleasure in flaunting her magic in her younger sister’s face.
Refusing to acknowledge her own feelings, Ellie can’t help wondering, what was this feeling in the pit of her stomach, which only came when Marie was near?
It’s all left to Ben, the older brother, to sort everything out. But will Ellie ever manage to see the simple pleasures found in watching, or will her jealousy never go away?
That was lovely, Lexy. I was so drawn into the story - kind of disappointing when it ended :(
First off - that dream caught me. It really reflected the mood, how the sky changed so quickly, and the images whooshing through her brain kept being interrupted by the insistence that she get up.
Marie. Urgh. I was in Ellie’s shoes the whole time when they were together. Scribbling on her homework!? If it were me, I would’ve lost my rag, but I suppose Ellie is used to it.
Ben’s character intrigued me the most. His calmness was mystifying, but he is a great person to put by Ellie’s side. The perfect brother.
The beginning was excellent. I knew what it meant straight away, but it was the greatest start note. And the end. The lack of dialogue tags there was effective - I could imagine the firmness in the last statement, but all the other emotions too. Also, the reactions, etc, were there, in my imagination. I loved that you left those little things to the mind.
Where had it gone to? - I don’t think ‘to’ is necessary to the question.
Excellent first story, honey.
Author's Response: [Squishes] Yay! I was just about to PM you. Haha. But you beat me to it.
I liked the dream to :) So thank you. Lol. A few people thought I should change it a bit keep the dreams and reality seperate, to make it clearer, but I liked it this way :).
Marie. Ew. Lol. I don't like her much either. Actually, I based her off of my own sister, back when we were little. Except, she was nowhere near as bad as Marie...
Yeah. Lol. Ben is exactly what I would want as a brother, I must say. Although he proberbly is a slight Gary-Stu. >.>
I'll just go change that line. Lol. Thank you so much for the amazing reveiw :) And thank you for all the lovely complements! :) -Lexy
First off, unique idea. It was very interesting to read.
I loved the characterisation - of Savaric especially. The typical pureblood. I liked his sexism toward Isla and her calm way of dealing with his temper. It’s intriguing to wonder what was going on in her head - I think I would’ve been furious, but that doesn‘t seem to be a part of Isla‘s character. At least in this situation. xD
I like that Savaric believes in the old ‘boys beat girls’ thing. Obviously, he doesn’t like losing to anyone, so losing to a girl… Lol. And, is Isla his love interest? I haven’t read ‘Shining through Blackness’ yet, so I don’t know, but that‘s the impression I got in places.
This piece flowed really well - you must’ve worked well together to get it so.
Sighing in silent disappointment, Savaric pulled back but didn’t let yet go of her. -’let go of her yet’.
‘A game?’ she asked confused, looking up at him. - I think there’s a comma after ‘asked’.
Author's Response: Thanks, spire! I'll look into your nitpicks.
Isla is Savaric's fiancée, and the engagement had been arranged by their parents. He wanted her and got her hand for the engagement, so yes, she's his interest. But if you want to know why he wanted her, whether or not he feels something for her and if they're going to get married in the end, you'll have to read "Shining Through Blackness". ;) *hintnudgeshint*
Summary: Nine years after Genevieve Weasley began her lustful affair with Demetri Rosier, she begins to wonder if there's more to the relationship. No matter the answer, her connection with him has dragged her into the Purity of the Night, a group who hopes to bring the purebloods back to power, and their leader has his eye on Genevieve. Now he will stop at nothing to get her, but the cost of Demetri and Genevieve leaving could prove fatal.
Teddy Lupin, always having been suspicious of Demetri, starts keeping a closer eye on his fellow Auror as mysterious things happen between Demetri and Genevieve, beginning with her disappearance from the Auror office. He, and the rest of the extended family, are determined to find her and bring her back where she belongs... away from Demetri, who they believe could cause her more harm than good.
Hello, Mercy. –hugs-
Right, then – chapter one. Well, at first I wasn’t sure whether I liked your beginning, because it kind of dives straight in, but then I thought about it and realised that knowing what their relationship was like was good. But, at the same time, the pairing bugs me. Purely because I find nine years a long time to be together – and they’re living in the same apartment, too – and only just get thinking about where they are. Do they love each other? Yes, they do, but they only realise this in this chapter. But Genevieve seems almost reluctant to bring it up because she’s afraid he’ll leave her. Which I understand, but... yeah. I’m beginning to confuse myself, sorry.
I like how Teddy comes in at the end; that was a nice touch – it made me grin. =)
Second chapter: firstly, I love you for keeping Remus and Tonks alive. And they’re exactly how I would imagine them too. Especially Tonks XD Anyway, you changed Teddy’s name to Theodore – why? /curious.
I loved the familiar atmosphere in this chapter, and the awkwardness that shrouds Genevieve’s name when it’s mentioned. Thing is though, all the names confused me, and then you piled a tonne of description of their appearance on top of that, and all in one big clump, too. Honestly, it is a lot of fun to describe your characters, build them up and all – but your readers won’t remember the details. When I describe my characters I will slip adjectives in now and again when they speak to build up a picture. It works better than all the character’s descriptions all together, and there’s possibly more chance that your reader will take it in too. You could try something similar, but if you do I’d recommend spreading the process out over chapters, as you have a lot of characters.
And one last thing – how cute are the kids! So sweet, I like that. And I have a few nit-picks for this chapter, too:
“Mum, maybe its time you retire.” - you need an apostrophe in ‘its’
Diana said frustrated as Hamish asked her why [...] “He’s makes his decisions before the trials - you need commas around ‘frustrated’ and ‘He’s’ should be ‘he’.
Cecilia, Bernadette, and Libby suddenly ran in the room. - ‘ran in to’ would sound better, I think. And you repeat ‘ran’ in the next sentence, too, which is slightly distracting [and there’s quite a bit of repetition in your ch. 20 extract.]
Sorry, I don’t have time to R and R the third chapter now. But intriguing story so far. xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading. I'm glad to finally have an opinion on this story. Okay, so about Demetri and Genevieve's whole "love" thing; Demetri knows where he stands and Genevieve is still unsure. The significance of all of it will come up later. Genevieve does contradict herself, since she doesn't want him to leave, but she doesn't want be "committed" at the same time (marriage is a big issue with her). Being with the same person for nine years, she would feel a bit lost without him and she doesn't want the whole "I told you so" from her family (which she knows she would get if he left). For chapter two, looking back, I do realized I introduced a lot of people at the same time (I keep doing that). After this chapter, though, it is a steady flow of introductions. I love the children, too. Thank you for catching the grammatical mistakes; I'll fix those right now. Thank you again for reviewing this. I greatly appreciate having an opinion and I'm glad you found it intruiging.
Summary: On their first reconnaissance mission together Remus and Tonks escape from the Death Eaters thanks to her remarkable quick-thinking. Decamping to a Muggle pub Remus discovers she’s not as confident as he’d assumed. He’s always felt like the outsider – but perhaps he’s not alone?
The song featured in this one shot is Let's Dance by David Bowie.
I'm not JK Rowling - don't say you're surprised.
Oooh, I really enjoyed this. I should really catch up with AA - I love your portrayal of Remus/Tonks. Anyway, this really showed us the struggle Dora goes through, and the depth to her. Her characterisation in this is kinda like an echo of what we saw in HBP, don’t you think?
I liked the passing mentions of the Marauders, and I’d never really thought about Sirius and Andromeda properly before. And, of course, Tonks’ reasoning for both of them being outcast is spot on. Name makes all the difference in the wizarding world, but it’s easy to overlook. It’s like blood-status, but for the better side, if you know what I mean. xD
I do have a few nit-picks:
“This way,” hissed the woman. “Remus, down here!” - I think this is a great hook, but I reckon it would be better as ‘hissed Tonks’. ‘The woman’ seems kinda unfamiliar and … cold, maybe. Do you know what I mean? Hm.
“I’m not asking for your life, Remus Lupin, just a dance and a kiss!” She snarled at him. - That would be funny if she wasn’t so angry with him :[ I don’t think ‘she’ should be capitalised.
“They used to lock them up – or worse kill them,” she yelled. - to emphasise that she’s yelling, it would be better with an exclamation mark - and it would read better too, probably. And punctuation is needed between ‘worse’ and ‘kill’, but I’m not sure what. It would sound better though. A comma, possibly?
Good work! x
Author's Response: Ahhhh, an 'inspirations' review' just what every badger craves! Seriously, thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you like this. This was a story that bored it's way into my head one day, when I was singing 'Let's Dance' in my kitchen. After I'd written it, I wrote Apparently Asleep and this was supposed to slot into it - but that story has run away from a simple first kiss.
So, onto the nitpicks. I wanted 'the woman' because I didn't want it too obvious that it was Tonks to start with. I know it's revealed in the next few lines, but I guess I write a lot of stuff this way. You're right about all the others and I shall amend. I'll probably leave the dash 'cause I like that. I want something to emphasize the the fact that Purebloods used to kill Metamorphmagi. I focus a bit more on Andromeda in AA especially her resemblance to Bellatrix.
PS- I've since bought myself a pair of red shoes so I can dance for real around my kitchen *snort*
In the night I hear them talk, the coldest story ever told.
Once upon a time, hidden in the marshes, lost in the hills and sheltered by the forest, there lived, in a house, a special type of witch.
Many men tryed to pass through the forest, some men got lost in the hills and a few men stumbled across a house in the marshes.
The witch would greet each and every one of them joyfuly. Feed them, wash them, love them, drop them.
Many of these men never returned.
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.
Lex, this was … >.> wow. I love the narration - it’s like that typical of these sorts of tales, which makes it all the more enchanting. Further more, I liked the little prologuey bit you did before ‘once-upon-a-time’. It was effective, and set the scene well. And your use of language. Ah, the language. XD A lot of the phrases you used were really good, and helped to weave that bit of magic into the story.
It was rare to ever see these men again. - I love how you left this out of any paragraph. It really made it stand out, and made the tone slightly darker, you know?
Just like all those returning men, left alive without living. - the last line, and by far my favourite. It makes it out as if the same thing has happened to her as all the men, but it’s her doing it, right? Haha, I know that because I think I visited the title thread. Plus, the title.
Good work. x
[ps: I liked the summary too. You are good at them]
Author's Response: Ahh >.>
Such an amazing reveiw. Thank you, lol, seriously.
I'm glad you liked the language :) That took me forever with an online theosaurus, lol. But I wanted it to sound like a real fairy tale. So yeah, I'm glad you liked that :D
Hehe, I liked that too! Lol, and the last line was my favourite. At first we thought it was incomplete, but I felt it should stay the way it was. More effective, I thought :)
Yeah, lol. Just give away my plot I don't care! Lol, jokes :P
And the summary! Yay! Thank you SO SO much! Lol, I'm HORRIBLE at summarys, but THANK you! Lol. :D
Hey, Minna! I enjoyed this - it was quite refreshing. Because the love was so sudden, it doesn’t go through all the conventional stages of most love stories, which made it a quicker, lighter read than … uh … most love stories, I suppose. Lol.
I love the intro - especially the first and last lines. They tell you straight away what the basis of the story is, and how it‘s going to be an unlikely match. I like the match though - after reading this, I can totally see it while I couldn’t before. Although I did think the semi-colon in the first sentence would work better as a hyphen, but that’s just my personal preference. XD
Work had been very busy lately, and as a Trainee Healer she had been assigned the most menial tasks in the Ruth Dearborn ward on the first floor of the hospital (Creature-Induced Injuries). - I really don’t think you need to give us all of that information - it‘s a lot to swallow, and we don‘t really need to know it. Just up to ‘tasks’ would’ve been better.
Susan was a creature of habit, and she had sat in the very same spot every day since starting work here. - I like this because it’s something we can all relate with. I know I always have to sit in the same places, at least. Lol.
[…] his mousy hair had been let grow since their schooldays. - ‘let to grow’ or ‘had grown since’.
Her family’s history of conflicting, however indirectly, with his didn’t help. - I’m not really sure what you mean here. Is this a reference to blood status, maybe?
“Good question, indeed,” she scolded herself as she went to her bedroom to change out of her eye-smarting St. Mungo’s robe. “You just didn’t want to tell your best friend what was really wrong with you.”
“Of course,” she reasoned later as she let her hair loose from its customary plait, “She wouldn’t understand.”
Is she talking to herself here, or thinking it? If she’s doing the latter, I would make it clear by putting it in italics or something - if not, then it’s fine.
“She’s driving me mad. I can’t get her out of my head,” he admitted, hunching his shoulders. - I’ve always imagined Theo as more contained than that, and your characterisation gave me that impression, too.
This was cute - I liked it. The PoV swaps were good - it was nice to be able to see both sides of the story. And, the characterisation of both characters seemed to develop before me as I read this. At the beginning, Susan was shy and nervous - and she was at the end too, but I felt as if she was more confident. Especially with her reply when Theo told her he loved her and her ‘we need to talk‘. I also liked the way that as soon as Cupid’s arrow hit her, she let Leo go. And Theo - he’s actually quite similar to Susan when you think about it. He seemed braver by the end - mainly because he confronts her and Leo, I guess.
Good work! x
Author's Response: First of all, thanks for the amazing review. It's lovely to get concrit, so I know where to improve. "I really don’t think you need to give us all of that information - it‘s a lot to swallow, and we don‘t really need to know it. Just up to ‘tasks’ would’ve been better." Yeah, that was probably an ill-considered sentence. I mean, I never told the readers that Theo works in the Asclepius Jenkins ward. xP "I like this because it’s something we can all relate with. I know I always have to sit in the same places, at least." - I stole that directly from my life. I am very weird about always sitting in exactly the same place. "I’m not really sure what you mean here. Is this a reference to blood status, maybe?" Err...well, what I meant was that Theo's family is very Death Eater, whereas Susan's family is very actively involved in the resistance against Voldemort: her Uncle Edgar and his wife as well as her Aunt Amelia were killed by Death Eaters, and I know Amelia died fighting, and Edgar was in the Order. Only I didn't want to explain all that. >.> Is she talking to herself here, or thinking it? - Talking to herself. I’ve always imagined Theo as more contained than that, and your characterisation gave me that impression, too. - If you mean, he's not likely to be open about his emotions...he's not, usually. But his mother is about the only person who can get stuff out of him.
Merope Gaunt's first encounter with Tom Riddle Sr. and the reason for Morfin's hearing.
I liked your characterisation of Merope - it does justice to JKR’s version of her, I think. And Morfin, too, and Merope’s fear of her dad.
I think it’s a bit fast paced though. I mean, especially at the beginning, the events happening seemed to fly by. It would’ve been nice with a bit more description, or Merope’s thoughts. Like, at the beginning, a brief description of the village, what does Merope thinks of it all, etc, would’ve been nice. And, in the interval between Tom and his girlfriend leaving the pub, it would’ve been good if you’d said how cold she was, how dark it was, how she was feeling and things. Not the best suggestions, but you know. :]
Anyway, great work. In fact, I wish it were longer. XD x
Author's Response: My first review! Those were some great suggestions and I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me that. Thank you so much.
Summary: After The Quibbler is banned from the school, a group of Ravenclaws answer by publishing their own secret newspaper, The Fourth Estate, and leaving copies around various points of Hogwarts for the students to read. If any of them are caught, the worst wrath possible will fall on their heads.
But that fear has done nothing to stop them.
I am OliveOil_Med of Ravenclaw, and this my story for the Term Challange, for Project Censored.
This was a good introduction. You built up the atmosphere in the Ravenclaw Common Room well, and by the end, I could feel the awkwardness of that silence. The unity in the house was interesting, and it gave us an insight into the character of the house, which was nice because you draw comparisons with Gryffindor as you read, so it shows how the two houses are different, even if that‘s not the aim of the story.
I loved your Luna characterisation; not having her react was good, just how it would be.
“The thing is such an idiotic rag,” one of the seven-year prefects complained. “Why would the Ministry even care what stories they were printing?”
This was a well-placed line, because until you move onto the next paragraph you think they’re talking about the Prophet, which of course fits that description, too.
discuss topics of both ancient history and current events. - ‘discussed’?
Good work, hon. xx
Author's Response: I'm happy you like how Ravenclaw was described. I felt like they were so badly ignored in the books, and that this story will offer a true insite into their lives.
Summary: After the birth of her third child, Fleur Weasley takes a look at her life and contemplate how she got here. Surely she never set oput to be a mother of such a large family at such a young age. How did this happen, and is she even fit to serve this role?
I am OliveOil_Med of Ravenclaw, and this is my class assignment for XhayleeXblackX's Character Exploration, NEWT class
I really enjoyed this look at Fleur - I’d never considered how mothering three children - or indeed, just one - might affect her. Seeing the protective, maternal streak in her was good, and something I believed in too. It reminded me of her with her little sister, somewhat. Not to mention when the trio arrived at Shell Cottage.
Also, I admire how you slipped the things about the veela and werewolf traits into the story. The jealous Victoire made me laugh, because it does happen among children but having an angry veela child? Slightly different, eh? And the staying up late on full moon for Bill was an idea I haven’t heard before, but one I find very plausible.
Yeah. I liked it. I have a couple of nit-picks:
Though Bill's side-effects from his lycanthropy were limited, his ability to stay up all through the night on the full moon. - do you mean ‘he had the ability to’?
Victoire pouted at this, but still allowed her mother to tuck her back in under her quilt and she eventually settled into the blankets while Fleur made to way across the room to calm the still excited Dominique. - ‘made her/the way’.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: I'm glad you like the story. I'm considering doing more oneshots like this one now, namely because I already have several unfinished chapter fic. I hope you read more!
Summary: ‘Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you cryin’?
It’s the graduation party of Scorpius Malfoy and Rose Weasley, and he’s trying to win her once and for all. How is he going to do that? And how will she react?
‘Didn’t you, didn’t you, didn’t you see me smilin’?
Well, Bine, I can’t resist Rose/Scorpius, so I love this. It’s a sweet take on the pairing, and you’ve written it really well.
What I liked most about this story though, is the memories from Rose’s PoV that are interwoven throughout the story. They’re all simple and brief, but it’s like a subplot to the graduation party, as it shows how their relationship progressed through all the key events. Although I would say that the first one confused me a bit, because you don’t mention a cousin until he stands up, and I wasn’t sure where exactly he was. If you know what I mean. :/
Except for him.
I have to say, isolating that line is really effective. It’s short, to the point, but having it on its own really emphasises what it’s saying.
[…] on this party. […] to powder her nose or she’s outside on the grounds […]
Well, I’m going to be really nit-picky about that line, and say the ‘on’s would work better as ‘in’s. I think.
Scorpius felt refreshed instantly […] definitely fresh air hitting his face
I love this line because it addresses that sense well, but you repeat ‘fresh’, and repetition distracts me when I read. Maybe change ‘refreshed’ to ‘revitalised’ or something like that? Then it is essentially the same.
‘You’re welcome,’ […] any distraction she welcomed […] She held up her hand for him to shake.
You repeat ‘welcome’ there. And I’d say ‘held out her hand’ unless he’s really much taller than she is, but as they’re eleven at this point, I find it doubtful that he would be.
With the first tunes of the song - the first ‘beats’ of the song, maybe? ‘Tunes’, to me, indicates a short, but whole, song.
homework can only last as long - ‘last so long’
and winked her while - ’winked at her’
She had an own microphone - ‘her own’
Scorpius face lit up - you need an apostrophe after ‘Scorpius’.
Sorry for being so nit-picky. >.> I do that.
Otherwise, the lyrics weave really very beautifully into the story, and I loved your changed ones :D Oh - and your descriptions of the dance floor were love. I could imagine all the kids dancing, and coming together.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: Aww, thank you, Spire, for the fantastic Easter egg. *hugs*
As for the first flashback: That was on Rose and Scorpius' first train ride. Scorpius asked if he could sit in the compartment. And I didn't need to mention James before he stood up because Rose knew he was there and needn't acknowledge it earlier. Besides, the flashbacks are from Rose's POV.
As for the nitpicks: They help making the story better, so don't feel bad about being nitpicky. And about the "on this party", I just remembered that it should actually be "at this party". :p The other suggestions I took on board.
Thanks again for this fabulous review. :]
Love is healing. Love makes the world go ‘round. Love is all you need.
Whoever said that, obviously forgot about the part where it could destroy you, leave you empty and worthless, numb to everything, except the suffocating pain of knowing you aren’t good enough.
Hate is strong word. Hate destroys us. Hate is an ugly thing.
Sometimes, it’s our hate that drives us. It fuels us, pushing us through the past, forcing us to accept what we have. It gives us a reason to move. It motivates us into action.
Sometimes, hate is all we have.
Hey, Mere :)
I liked this - I’ve read a few Sirius/Lily fics lately, and this one was quite different. I really didn’t expect their relationship to just, well, end. I can see why Sirius left, but I can also see it from Lily’s point of view.
The way you compared Lily’s headache from the drinking to a band thumping in her head was good - and I liked how you kept this idea consistent throughout that scene. And, I know Lily blows her top eventually, but the first time she sniped at him, I didn’t see why she didn’t follow it through - push the point.
The quote in the beginning was really well chosen - it fit with your story like a glove. And the end was nice - I like how you made it fit with canon like that, and after a rather angsty story, her going to James and getting a new flatmate showed that there was a way forward.
She stood up, like a spring uncoiling.
I love that line - the imagery is really quite strong for something so simple.
“I’m serious, Lily.” She could practically feel him willing her to take him seriously. - you repeat ‘serious’ and that made me stop.
She dropped her purse on her only table in the kitchen, a tube of lipstick and a pen rolling out. - I’d suggest a semi-colon instead of a comma, and ‘rolled’. It would make more sense, I think. Also, ‘pen’ is rather Muggle. I know Lily is Muggle-born, but I wouldn’t imagine her taking a pen to the Hog’s Head.
She swallowed again shaking her head, but it didn’t help. - a comma after ‘again’ would work well, I think.
No! her mind yelled. No! Not possible. Marly wouldn’t—couldn’t die. - I think you meant to italicise ‘no’ and possibly a hyphen after ‘couldn’t’?
the long bar that stretched the back wall. - ‘stretched along/across’?
Sirius’s eyes hardened as he gave the barman a hard look. - it would be better without the repetition of ‘hard’.
Sirius sighed and rand his hands through his hair. - ‘ran’.
the bassist had founded the unplugged cord. - do you mean ‘found’?
She lifted her head, eyes glistening, and looked at Dorcas’s tender pair. - after reading this line a couple of times I got it, but at first I didn’t realise ‘tender pair’ meant eyes. To clear it up ‘into’ might work better than ‘at’. Not sure.
“But I thought you would want some time,” she said smiling a little. - a comma after ‘said’.
She turned at walked down the hall - ‘and’ and not ‘at’.
Surprised danced across his face at the sight of her - ‘surprise’.
Also, you mentioned a fridge at one point, but also a pantry. I don’t know much about what they provide you in flats, etc, but to me a fridge seems rather Muggle. It is electrical, after all. I probably wouldn’t have noticed that though if it weren’t for the FFTF discussion. XD
Good work xx