Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
First off, unique idea. It was very interesting to read.
I loved the characterisation - of Savaric especially. The typical pureblood. I liked his sexism toward Isla and her calm way of dealing with his temper. It’s intriguing to wonder what was going on in her head - I think I would’ve been furious, but that doesn‘t seem to be a part of Isla‘s character. At least in this situation. xD
I like that Savaric believes in the old ‘boys beat girls’ thing. Obviously, he doesn’t like losing to anyone, so losing to a girl… Lol. And, is Isla his love interest? I haven’t read ‘Shining through Blackness’ yet, so I don’t know, but that‘s the impression I got in places.
This piece flowed really well - you must’ve worked well together to get it so.
Sighing in silent disappointment, Savaric pulled back but didn’t let yet go of her. -’let go of her yet’.
‘A game?’ she asked confused, looking up at him. - I think there’s a comma after ‘asked’.
Author's Response: Thanks, spire! I'll look into your nitpicks.
Isla is Savaric's fiancée, and the engagement had been arranged by their parents. He wanted her and got her hand for the engagement, so yes, she's his interest. But if you want to know why he wanted her, whether or not he feels something for her and if they're going to get married in the end, you'll have to read "Shining Through Blackness". ;) *hintnudgeshint*
Summary: Nine years after Genevieve Weasley began her lustful affair with Demetri Rosier, she begins to wonder if there's more to the relationship. No matter the answer, her connection with him has dragged her into the Purity of the Night, a group who hopes to bring the purebloods back to power, and their leader has his eye on Genevieve. Now he will stop at nothing to get her, but the cost of Demetri and Genevieve leaving could prove fatal.
Teddy Lupin, always having been suspicious of Demetri, starts keeping a closer eye on his fellow Auror as mysterious things happen between Demetri and Genevieve, beginning with her disappearance from the Auror office. He, and the rest of the extended family, are determined to find her and bring her back where she belongs... away from Demetri, who they believe could cause her more harm than good.
Hello, Mercy. –hugs-
Right, then – chapter one. Well, at first I wasn’t sure whether I liked your beginning, because it kind of dives straight in, but then I thought about it and realised that knowing what their relationship was like was good. But, at the same time, the pairing bugs me. Purely because I find nine years a long time to be together – and they’re living in the same apartment, too – and only just get thinking about where they are. Do they love each other? Yes, they do, but they only realise this in this chapter. But Genevieve seems almost reluctant to bring it up because she’s afraid he’ll leave her. Which I understand, but... yeah. I’m beginning to confuse myself, sorry.
I like how Teddy comes in at the end; that was a nice touch – it made me grin. =)
Second chapter: firstly, I love you for keeping Remus and Tonks alive. And they’re exactly how I would imagine them too. Especially Tonks XD Anyway, you changed Teddy’s name to Theodore – why? /curious.
I loved the familiar atmosphere in this chapter, and the awkwardness that shrouds Genevieve’s name when it’s mentioned. Thing is though, all the names confused me, and then you piled a tonne of description of their appearance on top of that, and all in one big clump, too. Honestly, it is a lot of fun to describe your characters, build them up and all – but your readers won’t remember the details. When I describe my characters I will slip adjectives in now and again when they speak to build up a picture. It works better than all the character’s descriptions all together, and there’s possibly more chance that your reader will take it in too. You could try something similar, but if you do I’d recommend spreading the process out over chapters, as you have a lot of characters.
And one last thing – how cute are the kids! So sweet, I like that. And I have a few nit-picks for this chapter, too:
“Mum, maybe its time you retire.” - you need an apostrophe in ‘its’
Diana said frustrated as Hamish asked her why [...] “He’s makes his decisions before the trials - you need commas around ‘frustrated’ and ‘He’s’ should be ‘he’.
Cecilia, Bernadette, and Libby suddenly ran in the room. - ‘ran in to’ would sound better, I think. And you repeat ‘ran’ in the next sentence, too, which is slightly distracting [and there’s quite a bit of repetition in your ch. 20 extract.]
Sorry, I don’t have time to R and R the third chapter now. But intriguing story so far. xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading. I'm glad to finally have an opinion on this story. Okay, so about Demetri and Genevieve's whole "love" thing; Demetri knows where he stands and Genevieve is still unsure. The significance of all of it will come up later. Genevieve does contradict herself, since she doesn't want him to leave, but she doesn't want be "committed" at the same time (marriage is a big issue with her). Being with the same person for nine years, she would feel a bit lost without him and she doesn't want the whole "I told you so" from her family (which she knows she would get if he left). For chapter two, looking back, I do realized I introduced a lot of people at the same time (I keep doing that). After this chapter, though, it is a steady flow of introductions. I love the children, too. Thank you for catching the grammatical mistakes; I'll fix those right now. Thank you again for reviewing this. I greatly appreciate having an opinion and I'm glad you found it intruiging.
Summary: On their first reconnaissance mission together Remus and Tonks escape from the Death Eaters thanks to her remarkable quick-thinking. Decamping to a Muggle pub Remus discovers she’s not as confident as he’d assumed. He’s always felt like the outsider – but perhaps he’s not alone?
The song featured in this one shot is Let's Dance by David Bowie.
I'm not JK Rowling - don't say you're surprised.
Oooh, I really enjoyed this. I should really catch up with AA - I love your portrayal of Remus/Tonks. Anyway, this really showed us the struggle Dora goes through, and the depth to her. Her characterisation in this is kinda like an echo of what we saw in HBP, don’t you think?
I liked the passing mentions of the Marauders, and I’d never really thought about Sirius and Andromeda properly before. And, of course, Tonks’ reasoning for both of them being outcast is spot on. Name makes all the difference in the wizarding world, but it’s easy to overlook. It’s like blood-status, but for the better side, if you know what I mean. xD
I do have a few nit-picks:
“This way,” hissed the woman. “Remus, down here!” - I think this is a great hook, but I reckon it would be better as ‘hissed Tonks’. ‘The woman’ seems kinda unfamiliar and … cold, maybe. Do you know what I mean? Hm.
“I’m not asking for your life, Remus Lupin, just a dance and a kiss!” She snarled at him. - That would be funny if she wasn’t so angry with him :[ I don’t think ‘she’ should be capitalised.
“They used to lock them up – or worse kill them,” she yelled. - to emphasise that she’s yelling, it would be better with an exclamation mark - and it would read better too, probably. And punctuation is needed between ‘worse’ and ‘kill’, but I’m not sure what. It would sound better though. A comma, possibly?
Good work! x
Author's Response: Ahhhh, an 'inspirations' review' just what every badger craves! Seriously, thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you like this. This was a story that bored it's way into my head one day, when I was singing 'Let's Dance' in my kitchen. After I'd written it, I wrote Apparently Asleep and this was supposed to slot into it - but that story has run away from a simple first kiss.
So, onto the nitpicks. I wanted 'the woman' because I didn't want it too obvious that it was Tonks to start with. I know it's revealed in the next few lines, but I guess I write a lot of stuff this way. You're right about all the others and I shall amend. I'll probably leave the dash 'cause I like that. I want something to emphasize the the fact that Purebloods used to kill Metamorphmagi. I focus a bit more on Andromeda in AA especially her resemblance to Bellatrix.
PS- I've since bought myself a pair of red shoes so I can dance for real around my kitchen *snort*
In the night I hear them talk, the coldest story ever told.
Once upon a time, hidden in the marshes, lost in the hills and sheltered by the forest, there lived, in a house, a special type of witch.
Many men tryed to pass through the forest, some men got lost in the hills and a few men stumbled across a house in the marshes.
The witch would greet each and every one of them joyfuly. Feed them, wash them, love them, drop them.
Many of these men never returned.
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.
Lex, this was … >.> wow. I love the narration - it’s like that typical of these sorts of tales, which makes it all the more enchanting. Further more, I liked the little prologuey bit you did before ‘once-upon-a-time’. It was effective, and set the scene well. And your use of language. Ah, the language. XD A lot of the phrases you used were really good, and helped to weave that bit of magic into the story.
It was rare to ever see these men again. - I love how you left this out of any paragraph. It really made it stand out, and made the tone slightly darker, you know?
Just like all those returning men, left alive without living. - the last line, and by far my favourite. It makes it out as if the same thing has happened to her as all the men, but it’s her doing it, right? Haha, I know that because I think I visited the title thread. Plus, the title.
Good work. x
[ps: I liked the summary too. You are good at them]
Author's Response: Ahh >.>
Such an amazing reveiw. Thank you, lol, seriously.
I'm glad you liked the language :) That took me forever with an online theosaurus, lol. But I wanted it to sound like a real fairy tale. So yeah, I'm glad you liked that :D
Hehe, I liked that too! Lol, and the last line was my favourite. At first we thought it was incomplete, but I felt it should stay the way it was. More effective, I thought :)
Yeah, lol. Just give away my plot I don't care! Lol, jokes :P
And the summary! Yay! Thank you SO SO much! Lol, I'm HORRIBLE at summarys, but THANK you! Lol. :D
Hey, Minna! I enjoyed this - it was quite refreshing. Because the love was so sudden, it doesn’t go through all the conventional stages of most love stories, which made it a quicker, lighter read than … uh … most love stories, I suppose. Lol.
I love the intro - especially the first and last lines. They tell you straight away what the basis of the story is, and how it‘s going to be an unlikely match. I like the match though - after reading this, I can totally see it while I couldn’t before. Although I did think the semi-colon in the first sentence would work better as a hyphen, but that’s just my personal preference. XD
Work had been very busy lately, and as a Trainee Healer she had been assigned the most menial tasks in the Ruth Dearborn ward on the first floor of the hospital (Creature-Induced Injuries). - I really don’t think you need to give us all of that information - it‘s a lot to swallow, and we don‘t really need to know it. Just up to ‘tasks’ would’ve been better.
Susan was a creature of habit, and she had sat in the very same spot every day since starting work here. - I like this because it’s something we can all relate with. I know I always have to sit in the same places, at least. Lol.
[…] his mousy hair had been let grow since their schooldays. - ‘let to grow’ or ‘had grown since’.
Her family’s history of conflicting, however indirectly, with his didn’t help. - I’m not really sure what you mean here. Is this a reference to blood status, maybe?
“Good question, indeed,” she scolded herself as she went to her bedroom to change out of her eye-smarting St. Mungo’s robe. “You just didn’t want to tell your best friend what was really wrong with you.”
“Of course,” she reasoned later as she let her hair loose from its customary plait, “She wouldn’t understand.”
Is she talking to herself here, or thinking it? If she’s doing the latter, I would make it clear by putting it in italics or something - if not, then it’s fine.
“She’s driving me mad. I can’t get her out of my head,” he admitted, hunching his shoulders. - I’ve always imagined Theo as more contained than that, and your characterisation gave me that impression, too.
This was cute - I liked it. The PoV swaps were good - it was nice to be able to see both sides of the story. And, the characterisation of both characters seemed to develop before me as I read this. At the beginning, Susan was shy and nervous - and she was at the end too, but I felt as if she was more confident. Especially with her reply when Theo told her he loved her and her ‘we need to talk‘. I also liked the way that as soon as Cupid’s arrow hit her, she let Leo go. And Theo - he’s actually quite similar to Susan when you think about it. He seemed braver by the end - mainly because he confronts her and Leo, I guess.
Good work! x
Author's Response: First of all, thanks for the amazing review. It's lovely to get concrit, so I know where to improve. "I really don’t think you need to give us all of that information - it‘s a lot to swallow, and we don‘t really need to know it. Just up to ‘tasks’ would’ve been better." Yeah, that was probably an ill-considered sentence. I mean, I never told the readers that Theo works in the Asclepius Jenkins ward. xP "I like this because it’s something we can all relate with. I know I always have to sit in the same places, at least." - I stole that directly from my life. I am very weird about always sitting in exactly the same place. "I’m not really sure what you mean here. Is this a reference to blood status, maybe?" Err...well, what I meant was that Theo's family is very Death Eater, whereas Susan's family is very actively involved in the resistance against Voldemort: her Uncle Edgar and his wife as well as her Aunt Amelia were killed by Death Eaters, and I know Amelia died fighting, and Edgar was in the Order. Only I didn't want to explain all that. >.> Is she talking to herself here, or thinking it? - Talking to herself. I’ve always imagined Theo as more contained than that, and your characterisation gave me that impression, too. - If you mean, he's not likely to be open about his emotions...he's not, usually. But his mother is about the only person who can get stuff out of him.
Merope Gaunt's first encounter with Tom Riddle Sr. and the reason for Morfin's hearing.
I liked your characterisation of Merope - it does justice to JKR’s version of her, I think. And Morfin, too, and Merope’s fear of her dad.
I think it’s a bit fast paced though. I mean, especially at the beginning, the events happening seemed to fly by. It would’ve been nice with a bit more description, or Merope’s thoughts. Like, at the beginning, a brief description of the village, what does Merope thinks of it all, etc, would’ve been nice. And, in the interval between Tom and his girlfriend leaving the pub, it would’ve been good if you’d said how cold she was, how dark it was, how she was feeling and things. Not the best suggestions, but you know. :]
Anyway, great work. In fact, I wish it were longer. XD x
Author's Response: My first review! Those were some great suggestions and I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me that. Thank you so much.
Summary: After The Quibbler is banned from the school, a group of Ravenclaws answer by publishing their own secret newspaper, The Fourth Estate, and leaving copies around various points of Hogwarts for the students to read. If any of them are caught, the worst wrath possible will fall on their heads.
But that fear has done nothing to stop them.
I am OliveOil_Med of Ravenclaw, and this my story for the Term Challange, for Project Censored.
This was a good introduction. You built up the atmosphere in the Ravenclaw Common Room well, and by the end, I could feel the awkwardness of that silence. The unity in the house was interesting, and it gave us an insight into the character of the house, which was nice because you draw comparisons with Gryffindor as you read, so it shows how the two houses are different, even if that‘s not the aim of the story.
I loved your Luna characterisation; not having her react was good, just how it would be.
“The thing is such an idiotic rag,” one of the seven-year prefects complained. “Why would the Ministry even care what stories they were printing?”
This was a well-placed line, because until you move onto the next paragraph you think they’re talking about the Prophet, which of course fits that description, too.
discuss topics of both ancient history and current events. - ‘discussed’?
Good work, hon. xx
Author's Response: I'm happy you like how Ravenclaw was described. I felt like they were so badly ignored in the books, and that this story will offer a true insite into their lives.
Summary: After the birth of her third child, Fleur Weasley takes a look at her life and contemplate how she got here. Surely she never set oput to be a mother of such a large family at such a young age. How did this happen, and is she even fit to serve this role?
I am OliveOil_Med of Ravenclaw, and this is my class assignment for XhayleeXblackX's Character Exploration, NEWT class
I really enjoyed this look at Fleur - I’d never considered how mothering three children - or indeed, just one - might affect her. Seeing the protective, maternal streak in her was good, and something I believed in too. It reminded me of her with her little sister, somewhat. Not to mention when the trio arrived at Shell Cottage.
Also, I admire how you slipped the things about the veela and werewolf traits into the story. The jealous Victoire made me laugh, because it does happen among children but having an angry veela child? Slightly different, eh? And the staying up late on full moon for Bill was an idea I haven’t heard before, but one I find very plausible.
Yeah. I liked it. I have a couple of nit-picks:
Though Bill's side-effects from his lycanthropy were limited, his ability to stay up all through the night on the full moon. - do you mean ‘he had the ability to’?
Victoire pouted at this, but still allowed her mother to tuck her back in under her quilt and she eventually settled into the blankets while Fleur made to way across the room to calm the still excited Dominique. - ‘made her/the way’.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: I'm glad you like the story. I'm considering doing more oneshots like this one now, namely because I already have several unfinished chapter fic. I hope you read more!
Summary: ‘Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you cryin’?
It’s the graduation party of Scorpius Malfoy and Rose Weasley, and he’s trying to win her once and for all. How is he going to do that? And how will she react?
‘Didn’t you, didn’t you, didn’t you see me smilin’?
Well, Bine, I can’t resist Rose/Scorpius, so I love this. It’s a sweet take on the pairing, and you’ve written it really well.
What I liked most about this story though, is the memories from Rose’s PoV that are interwoven throughout the story. They’re all simple and brief, but it’s like a subplot to the graduation party, as it shows how their relationship progressed through all the key events. Although I would say that the first one confused me a bit, because you don’t mention a cousin until he stands up, and I wasn’t sure where exactly he was. If you know what I mean. :/
Except for him.
I have to say, isolating that line is really effective. It’s short, to the point, but having it on its own really emphasises what it’s saying.
[…] on this party. […] to powder her nose or she’s outside on the grounds […]
Well, I’m going to be really nit-picky about that line, and say the ‘on’s would work better as ‘in’s. I think.
Scorpius felt refreshed instantly […] definitely fresh air hitting his face
I love this line because it addresses that sense well, but you repeat ‘fresh’, and repetition distracts me when I read. Maybe change ‘refreshed’ to ‘revitalised’ or something like that? Then it is essentially the same.
‘You’re welcome,’ […] any distraction she welcomed […] She held up her hand for him to shake.
You repeat ‘welcome’ there. And I’d say ‘held out her hand’ unless he’s really much taller than she is, but as they’re eleven at this point, I find it doubtful that he would be.
With the first tunes of the song - the first ‘beats’ of the song, maybe? ‘Tunes’, to me, indicates a short, but whole, song.
homework can only last as long - ‘last so long’
and winked her while - ’winked at her’
She had an own microphone - ‘her own’
Scorpius face lit up - you need an apostrophe after ‘Scorpius’.
Sorry for being so nit-picky. >.> I do that.
Otherwise, the lyrics weave really very beautifully into the story, and I loved your changed ones :D Oh - and your descriptions of the dance floor were love. I could imagine all the kids dancing, and coming together.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: Aww, thank you, Spire, for the fantastic Easter egg. *hugs*
As for the first flashback: That was on Rose and Scorpius' first train ride. Scorpius asked if he could sit in the compartment. And I didn't need to mention James before he stood up because Rose knew he was there and needn't acknowledge it earlier. Besides, the flashbacks are from Rose's POV.
As for the nitpicks: They help making the story better, so don't feel bad about being nitpicky. And about the "on this party", I just remembered that it should actually be "at this party". :p The other suggestions I took on board.
Thanks again for this fabulous review. :]
Love is healing. Love makes the world go ‘round. Love is all you need.
Whoever said that, obviously forgot about the part where it could destroy you, leave you empty and worthless, numb to everything, except the suffocating pain of knowing you aren’t good enough.
Hate is strong word. Hate destroys us. Hate is an ugly thing.
Sometimes, it’s our hate that drives us. It fuels us, pushing us through the past, forcing us to accept what we have. It gives us a reason to move. It motivates us into action.
Sometimes, hate is all we have.
Hey, Mere :)
I liked this - I’ve read a few Sirius/Lily fics lately, and this one was quite different. I really didn’t expect their relationship to just, well, end. I can see why Sirius left, but I can also see it from Lily’s point of view.
The way you compared Lily’s headache from the drinking to a band thumping in her head was good - and I liked how you kept this idea consistent throughout that scene. And, I know Lily blows her top eventually, but the first time she sniped at him, I didn’t see why she didn’t follow it through - push the point.
The quote in the beginning was really well chosen - it fit with your story like a glove. And the end was nice - I like how you made it fit with canon like that, and after a rather angsty story, her going to James and getting a new flatmate showed that there was a way forward.
She stood up, like a spring uncoiling.
I love that line - the imagery is really quite strong for something so simple.
“I’m serious, Lily.” She could practically feel him willing her to take him seriously. - you repeat ‘serious’ and that made me stop.
She dropped her purse on her only table in the kitchen, a tube of lipstick and a pen rolling out. - I’d suggest a semi-colon instead of a comma, and ‘rolled’. It would make more sense, I think. Also, ‘pen’ is rather Muggle. I know Lily is Muggle-born, but I wouldn’t imagine her taking a pen to the Hog’s Head.
She swallowed again shaking her head, but it didn’t help. - a comma after ‘again’ would work well, I think.
No! her mind yelled. No! Not possible. Marly wouldn’t—couldn’t die. - I think you meant to italicise ‘no’ and possibly a hyphen after ‘couldn’t’?
the long bar that stretched the back wall. - ‘stretched along/across’?
Sirius’s eyes hardened as he gave the barman a hard look. - it would be better without the repetition of ‘hard’.
Sirius sighed and rand his hands through his hair. - ‘ran’.
the bassist had founded the unplugged cord. - do you mean ‘found’?
She lifted her head, eyes glistening, and looked at Dorcas’s tender pair. - after reading this line a couple of times I got it, but at first I didn’t realise ‘tender pair’ meant eyes. To clear it up ‘into’ might work better than ‘at’. Not sure.
“But I thought you would want some time,” she said smiling a little. - a comma after ‘said’.
She turned at walked down the hall - ‘and’ and not ‘at’.
Surprised danced across his face at the sight of her - ‘surprise’.
Also, you mentioned a fridge at one point, but also a pantry. I don’t know much about what they provide you in flats, etc, but to me a fridge seems rather Muggle. It is electrical, after all. I probably wouldn’t have noticed that though if it weren’t for the FFTF discussion. XD
Good work xx
Summary: Peter Pettigrew wasn't always a traitor. He was a Marauder, a prankster and a good friend.
Peter Pettigrew wasn't always called Wormtail.
Perhaps, one change led to the other?
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling but I doubt you're surprised by that revelation.
Oh, Carole. This was so wonderfully emotive, though very subtly done. Usually I don’t read marauder-era, but I couldn’t resist seeing what you’d done with this prompt, and I’m so pleased this is the story I chose.
At first, I couldn’t really see the relevance of the summary of the event leading to Sirius being locked in Azkaban that was woven throughout the story, but by the end, I realised that they are almost the point of the story. As I read I started to see how Sirius picked on Peter for little things, while James and Remus were kind, and didn’t. And then, the last italicised phrase finalised that idea, and it was as if Sirius had led Peter on to get to that point; it was a great endnote too, by the way.
I liked how you wrote this in the present tense. You used simple phrases, it was from Peter’s pov, and I felt as if that gave me even more of a feel for the character that you’d fleshed him out as. I liked how the Marauders treated him as an equal, and Peter felt perfectly at ease with them. So many fics just cast him to one side, but you’ve shown he is on the same level, which he obviously was. Why else would he be trusted as Secret Keeper? An animagus? A part of the Marauder’s Map? In fact, he’s possibly just as central to the group in this as Remus. I did notice he said very little in comparison with the rest of them though, which I found very in keeping with what JK showed us of his character.
Now, one person that really struck me was Regulus. I liked how Sirius wanted him in their compartment, and wanted him to be a Gryffindor. Maybe his motivations were against the Black family, but I got a feeling that he actually wanted Regulus in his house. But the scene shows how Sirius goes a little too far sometimes, he pushed his brother just a tad too much. I’m curious to know where Regulus went after he left the Marauder’s carriage. Do you think he went to sit on his own, or maybe with some Death Eater wannabes? Hm.
“A hawk, I should think.” Sirius snorts. “Something with good eyesight so he can get rid of those ridiculous glasses.”
I laugh. “Or a cheetah.” Sirius looks puzzled so I explain, “he could finally catch up with Lily, then.”
I love that part because it shows us that Peter is a Marauder, and accepted as such. Very simple dialogue, but it said a lot to me.
Now, Remus. You never have Peter tell us how they find out about Remus being a werewolf. One year he considers that his dad might be beating him, the next he knows, and I liked that you didn’t tell us they’d found out. This is because it seems so much more out of Peter’s head that way. He knows what’s happening. Why would he explain that to himself when he thinks about it? That way, I felt more as if I were there... If you know what I mean. :P
Lastly, I liked how selfless Peter is, concerning his mother especially. That he stayed behind with his mother in the holidays says that he cares about her a lot, and she seems to care for him too. That was a nice touch, as in the books it says she was devastated and all that about his ‘death’. You can’t help but wonder how it hurt him to know she thought he was dead...
Now, a few nit-picks:
The boy sitting [...] looks up at me. He’s quite pale and looks tired but he looks friendly. - there’s a lot of ‘looks’ repetition there. XD
“I’m Petey... err, Peter,” I reply. Remus holds out his hand, and I notice a scar across the back of his hand [...] - Aww, so sweet. But ‘hand’ repetition.
[...] the best cakes in the world,” she beams at me, “and I need [...] - I could be wrong, but shouldn’t the words outside of the quotations be in a different sentence? Not sure, but it looks a bit odd.
Mum’s really got to you hasn’t she. - that should be a question, really, I reckon.
I look at James expecting a retort [...] - I think you need commas around ‘expecting a retort’.
no five. - a comma after ‘no’ I think.
Anyway, really good work. Just in case you didn’t figure that I like this. Lol.
Author's Response: Awww, thanks, Spire. I'm pleased you liked the story. I actually struggle somewhat with Pettigrew so this was a way of me getting into his head. I'm kinda following a theory I have that the Marauders became more like the animals they were as Animagi, the more they became them (Does that make sense?). Regulus - I reckon he found a carriage with other first years - maybe Barty Crouch (if he's the same year).
Thank you for the nit picks. I totally agree about the repetition bits, I think I'll go back and look at them when I have time. You're the second person to mention that 'she beams at me' bit. This has been beta'd by the way (LOL) but I thought that as it was splitting Peter's speech that it should be lower case and in commas. It's not a dialogue tag but is part of the sentence. Perhaps, I'll reword that as well. Other nit picks - yes, you're right and I shall alter.
Anyhoo, thank ye so much for the review, especially as you're not really a Marauder fan. I'm actually fond of this story because it was bl**dy hard getting into Peter's head and remain sympathetic to the evil rat!
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these.
Sometimes, all it takes is a chocolate cheesecake and a friend – or something more – to rekindle a flame of hope.
Uh, wow. >.>
You handle second person, like, so well. It wasn’t even a little repetitive - a lot of fics in this PoV are all ‘you, you, your’ but not this one. I didn’t even notice the ‘you’s at times - toward the end especially, I could really quite imagine the scene.
I liked the link of the clock ticking throughout the story, and it was a good way to symbolise how quickly time moves. When she smashed the clock I didn’t expect it, but it showed how significant that ticking must be to people in that kind of situation.
The beginning… You went through quite a few names, and that’s okay, but you started all of those paragraphs in the same way, you know? You’d say their name, and then a few words of description - a little more variety in structure there would be good.
Right, well onto Sirius now. I liked your portrayal of him - he was balanced well. You know, he was serious, comforting, caring… but he had something else to him too. I suppose that’s because he could laugh and joke, and he had the ability to make Marlene do the same. /yeah.
He waves the fork towards your mouth like a parent feeding a child (“...and the Chaser flies towards the hoop...”).
Aw! I can remember those times. I like the wizarding substitute you’ve used for that method of feeding too, because if you’d used an ‘aeroplane’ or whatever, it would’ve been Muggle. So that was authentic.
The seriousness of this story caught me. And then it wound right down to a much lighter ending, though then there were the last few lines that remind you of how Sirius and Marlene even came to that situation anyway.
I have one nit-pick:
But other wizards and witches […] - I think it would be better if ‘witches’ came first.
Good work. xx
Uh, wow. Thank you for this review, Spire. I'm glad you liked my second person, and my Sirius, and my twist on that Muggle cliche. With the opening, I was aiming for that list effect... hmm, I'll look back and see how I could do better next time. And as for your nit-pick... well, I'm glad that was the only thing you could find. I'll check it out :) Thanks again, dear.
Summary: Breathing. It’s easy, isn’t it?
In. Out. In. Out.
But what if it’s not easy? What if your body struggles for breath? What happens if you cannot get enough oxygen into your lungs? What happens if your lungs contract so tightly that you’re forced to use all your strength simply to breathe?
And how on earth do a wizarding family cope with a Muggle condition that could kill?
This is Lily Luna Potter's story of living with asthma.
I am Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this is my entry for the Written World Challenge, Spring Term 2009. It has been written to garner support for Asthma UK.
I do not own any of these characters - they all belong to JK Rowling.
FACT: Asthma can kill.
Oh, Carole. I admit – I know nothing about asthma. But not only is this story heart wrenching, but it is educational. You’ve took us through the symptoms and possible causes, and you’ve shown us how impossibly terrifying it is. In fact, it would probably be even more so for wizards, because they have no knowledge of it, and they probably see themselves as completely alone. After all, it is a Muggle condition to them.
I liked the Ginny you depict. Her panic for her daughter shows her passion, but it also shows another side to her. In the HP books, she barely ever seems to get ruffled, but your Ginny is more similar to the vulnerable one we see in CoS. This I like, because a lot of fanfiction portrays her as very strong, or very weak, and in reality, Rowling’s character is neither. Well, she’s strong, but not that strong, you know? Yeah...
Now, I feel I should also comment on Ron. Ah, you have captured him perfectly. He’s joking, but his concern for Lily is there in an instant which is IC I think.
The only nit-pick I have for these two characters is their dialogue when Ginny floos to the Ministry. I like the interaction, but I think Ginny would want to get back to her baby immediately, not listen to her brother. Maybe Harry could ask Ron if he will look after the boys before apparating? And Ron could start to speak maybe, but Ginny has already gone. Hm.
The link to Muggle blood and asthma is inspired. I’ve never thought about how Muggle conditions could pass to wizards by blood, but it actually sounds very likely. I’m sitting here wishing I’d thought of that for my term challenge. Lol.
Bringing in the Healer who treated Mr Weasley was a good idea, too. It shows how he pursued his interest in Muggle medicine, and I like the link to the Weasley family. The very last line he speaks, that finishes off the chapter, was also very effective. It reminded me of dramas on the TV where the scene ends and it cuts to the adverts after the main characters have been told something that is possibly life changing.
“Weasley red,” Ginny said.
“Evans red,” said a voice behind them, as Harry arrived back from the Burrow.
“Prewett red,” declared Molly firmly.
Ooh, I never realised that all three families were redheads. Other than that, I love the dialogue between the three here.
“I’ve got to go,” he said. “I’ve got a meeting with Kingsley about Pius Thicknesse’s parole application.” - well, I hate repetition, but I actually think this sounds rather natural. I know I moan about repetition in stories, but I repeat things aloud all the time, and most people probably do as well.
“Nothing serious, I hope,”
Nah, they all get these coughs and colds at that age, don’t they.
Those two lines would ideally end with question marks.
A sudden noise from the fireplace caused both men turned around - that could do with rephrasing. How about ‘both men to turn around’.
She looked back at the nurse. - you said ‘looked’ in the line before. ‘turned back to’ maybe?
He stopped at a red door, decorated with children’s pictures, and opened it.
I love that detail, though I wasn’t sure whether you meant photos or drawings...?
Anyways, good work, Carole. I look forward to reading on. =) xx
PS: And I did look at an asthma website – I saw some things you included in your story as well, like lips turning blue.
Author's Response: WOW! What a review. Thank you so much, Spire. I'm glad you liked Ginny. I don't think she'd be strong all the time - either - especially when it concerns something she has no clue about. I'm glad you liked Ron. I struggle withb Trio characterisation so the fact that they're IC means a lot to me.
Okay on to the nit-picks which I mostly agree with. However, Ginny hasn't flood to the Ministry - it's just her head in the fire. So she hasn't left Lily alone.
The other nit-picks I shall go and sort out now ... skulks away .... Thank you! Carole xxx
Summary: This story is for the Written Word Challenge (Spring Term 2009).
Rose can purge her feelings. Cho can eat until she can't feel. Andromeda can starve herself until she feels nothing at all. These three girls have one thing in common. An eating disorder.
Oh, my eyes are actually watering. The end of that chapter was sad. =(
Well, this was great, Alex. I don’t know much about eating disorders, but I think you portrayed this very realistically. Not only could I relate with both Rose and Abigal’s points of views, but I learnt about the condition, too, as you slipped in lots of descriptions of it - in Abigal’s speech especially.
I can’t wait to read more actually. As you have felt the effects of this first-hand, I’m sure this will turn out as a fantastic story that I will remember. The prologue certainly gives that impression. Though, I wonder whether we’re going to see anymore of Rose? It would be interesting to see how her situation turns out, but I got the impression you were writing just one chapter for each girl from your WWC thread… Though I did read it a few months back, your plans. But it was one of the ones I wanted to read immediately, because it is obviously an important topic.
My only concrit for this chapter would be that I would’ve loved a bit more. I like that you don’t tell us directly how she got to this stage; that insinuates that anybody could get it in theory. They can, right? But it would’ve been good to see more of the development of the condition, maybe, or… something… Disregard this if there are more chapters coming about Rose.
And one tiny nit-pick:
I’d cry and tell her that my boyfriend had broken with me and was too depressed to eat - ‘broken up with me’ and ‘I was too depressed’?
Anyway, that’s all. Good luck with your story, and good luck with your bulimia and beating it. xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words. This is the sweetest review. I am deviating from my orginal plans. There will be more chapters about Rose in the future. Really, thank you so much. You are so sweet. xxAlex
Summary: What thoughts would go through your mind if you knew you only had seconds to live? Would you think about happy times or sad? Those you are leaving behind, or those you are going to see? Would you think about what you accomplished in your life or what you left undone? Would your mind be filled with regrets or pride?
A moment exists between life and death. For some that moment covers a lifetime of memories, for others it is all too brief.
Well, I loved this. The quick flashbacks really did portray the common idea of life flashing before the dying person’s eyes, and the swiftness emphasised this all the more. Also, for such a short piece, I felt as if you’d actually told James’ life story in a few paragraphs. Like, wow. We could see what matters to him, what his best memories are… everything. It was great.
I loved baby Harry at the beginning, too. So sweet! And you could see how much James and Lily cared for him…
“Daddy,” Harry said to him. - I think this would be better without the ‘to him’.
Dinner was at the normal time, and still more time playing with Harry. - usually I moan about repetition, but the subtle repeating of ‘time’ brings to life well that this family have so little of it left. We see the normality of their day, but we know what’s going to happen, which is why I found this simple line so effective.
pushing Harry into her arms and then pushed her away - repetition there is distracting, though. At the beginning of the chapter, you also repeated James’ name quite a bit.
the Healer says - ‘said’? I’m not too good with tenses, but that doesn’t seem right.
And, now, this has nothing to do with your writing per se, but I was wondering why there were different amounts of stars on the breaks between each memory?
And, lastly, I have to say the last sentence was devastating:
Sighing, James hoped against hope, he would not see Lily or Harry for a long time.
We know that Lily will be joining him momentarily, so that line is quite a powerful ending for its simplicity. But, either way, I like the connotation that when you die you will see your loved ones again one day.
Good work, honey. I look forward to reading more. xx
Author's Response: Spire,
Yes, says should be said. One verb that got missed when I switched this from second to third person POV. Thanks for catching it. You are right about the repetition when James gave her Harry. I do have a couple things to edit in it that I realised today at work were a bit off. I hope you will reread it once I make the changes. Thanks honey for the review.
On a late September evening, two close friends discover a new meaning in their relationshipâ€¦ Charlie Weasley/Original Character, one-shot.
Thank you to my Jenna/GringottsVault711 for her beta work.
Oh, Anna, this was beautiful.
Towards the beginning, you described what everybody was doing, and I think that was a really effective way of leading us to Charlie, etc. Also, it showed how the afternoon had ranged from up-tempo and then travelled to peaceful, which was reflected in the time of day nicely.
But no matter how thoroughly he had prodded her heart with his strange sense, he couldn’t catch any trace of aversion.
I was curious about Lucas’ character, as it was interesting to see how he fit in with the Weasleys, and what he himself was like. His sensing emotions – that’s a unique touch, which you wrote in well. It seemed very natural, which made Lucas himself seem all the more real. I like the quoted line because it hints at his ability but it doesn’t outright say it. I, as the reader, acknowledged that there was something more to him, and I got the gist of what it was from the little bits like that sprinkled throughout. But not having a concrete explanation within the narrative made me anticipate what Lucas says to Charlie even more, which kept my interest well.
With Maximilian gone to France again
I haven’t read your other stories with Lucas in, but I did pick up on what I’m assuming were references to OCs from them. I liked that, because you slipped them in and showed that Lucas is an OC with his own friends and family, too, but as well as that I love how the references were there, but they didn’t make it any harder for me to follow. Slightly curious, maybe... but having them there added that touch more originality, made the conversation, well, conversational, and it didn’t distract me from the story itself.
“It’s not that difficult.” He tried to sound casual. “Not if you pay attention.”
I love this part about Fred and George. Firstly, great plot device to lead in to Charlie’s questions, but also it’s the acknowledgement that although Fred and George look the same, they are different people. I don’t think people think about them like that a lot.
“Oh, I’m just glad to know that you’re not some all-powerful mind-reader, that’s all.”
“Again – why?”
And I love how Lucas’ ability leads in to the two of them confronting how they feel about each other. Their confession, for want of a better word, was beautifully written. There’s that kind of awkwardness about the whole situation as neither of them is really sure, as such, which leads in to such happiness for the both of them. It was great, because as the reader I could see they both felt the same way, so I’m just waiting for them to realise it – and then they do! Very well done.
Finally, the touch of humour was a nice way to end this story. The conversation before that was quite serious and sad because they only just found each other, but the last line injects something a little happier, if you know what I mean. Good story, dear xx
Summary: "She gave me such a telling-off one night when I got back to the dormitory at four in the morning ... your father and I had been for a night-time stroll."
This is the tale of Arthur Weasley and Molly Prewett, their love, and that night-time stroll.
Jen! OMG, it’s a Molly/Arthur... there just aren’t enough of this pairing around. *sigh*
Anyway... I like the simple beginning you give this story, just getting to the point straight away. At first, I thought Molly and Arthur were already together, and it was a bit of an unrequited love. I found that idea a bit odd, because I always saw them as a really close couple. I mean, just look at their children, and the little bit of Molly/Arthur we see in HBP. However, you went on to surprise me with the fact that they didn’t know each other yet.
At this point, I got a little disbelieving. It’s not any fault of your own excellent writing, it is just that, personally, I don’t believe in love at first sight. At the same time as I raise my eyebrow and frown about it, though, I think you don’t make the love at first sight thing unrealistic. I could see how it happened to Arthur; it seemed just like something, well, right, that actually comes true. You know what I mean? Building on that, you worked his irritation at not actually knowing her well with the being given a partner scene, though it would’ve been nice to see a little more background with the couple, maybe see where the love developed from a bit more? That would’ve made the love a little more plausible for me, because we don’t really see their friendship take form, even after we see them properly meet.
When they finally meet properly, it was really cute. I could truly imagine the scene, which helped me get a better feel for the story. However, having the books being dropped was slightly clichéd.
I liked the way you continued with their acquaintance turning into a friendship – though, like I said, it would’ve been nice to see a little of how that friendship developed - with the penultimate scene being the walk referenced in the books. It was sweet, and it’s the sort of thing I could really visualise. The interruption on their walk was integrated quite humorously, and it was a nice touch for Molly to go back and tell him that she loved him. It made me grin, because we’d been seeing how Arthur thought she wasn’t interested in him for the whole story, and then in the last few lines we see that Molly feels the same. It was a nice ending.
[...] one of many Weasley boys [...] - is there proof of many Weasleys in Arthur’s generation? I always thought the Weasley family was big just because Arthur and Molly had a lot of children. Surely, we would hear of further Weasleys in the books if they existed? Contradict if I’m wrong, though XD
Anyway, overall this was well written, enjoyable, and quite a refreshing story to read. There’s not many M/A stories around, and this was a nice change to all the common other pairings written. –hugs-
Author's Response: :D Thank you so much, darling! What a wonderful review. As for love at first sight - I know it doesn't happen much in real life, but this was supposed to be just a sweet, fluffly little fic and having it written like this just felt right for Molly/Arthur, you know? It wouldn't have worked as well if they had been friends first, in my opinion. The Weasley boys thing stemmed from the fact that Ginny was the first female Weasley born for several generations. I think Arthur only had a few brothers, but I'd imagine he had a few cousins and that as well. ;) Thank you for all your lovely comments, dear! <3
Summary: Draco wipes the memory of his girlfriend of when she tells him she is actually a Muggle. What he doesn't know is that she is pregnant with his child.
Hey, dear! This was an enjoyable story, and I thought you did a great job with the OC. I found myself relating to her almost immediately, as I’ll explain later in this review, and I think that’s what pulled me in to the story so quickly.
I thought it was quite nice how you incorporated a little history into this – I didn’t know about rabbit tests, and I found it quite an interesting little fact to know. In addition you kept that idea alive well, with the reference to ‘rabbit’s at the end with eye to eye with the rabbit peeping out of a wizard’s top hat. That was a great way to remember it, too; it’s a magical stereotype, but the highest magical level the OC should be at despite her former pretences and her child’s abilities.
You linked your OC’s job to the wizarding world so flawlessly, and it just felt kind of right that she was a part of it all despite being a Muggle. And it was nice to hear that George got his and Fred’s wish of a shop in Hogsmeade – that was a nice touch, because it reminds of little things from the books. :)
I found the memory charm quite confusing at first, because she seemed to remember some things – like she remembered Draco, but she didn’t know him – but not others. Did she meet Draco in the restaurant they were in when she was obliviated? However, I think that I was a little confused was probably good, because it kind of backed up Verity’s statement that it was a badly done spell.
a feeling of déjà vu washes over you
I really like that line, because it’s kind of like a perfect Muggle!summary of what she’s going through with the memory charm. She’s been in that scenario before, but she can’t place her finger on when... ‘déjà vu’ is a great way to get the reader to understand what she’s thinking, without having to go into loads of unnecessary detail, or whatever.
My favourite aspect of this story is that your OC is a Muggle, though, and that she does such a good job of pretending to be a witch and fitting into this whole other world. Ultimately, every Harry Potter fan has wished they were a witch/wizard before, and it makes the OC easy to relate to. In fact, I found myself getting quite annoyed with Draco, because what she’d done seemed perfectly rational; his reaction seemed so unfair because he has everything she wants. :[
Overall, this was a great little fic – I really enjoyed it... I got to the end and wanted more. It’s an intriguing idea; how could a Muggle live a wizarding life and pull it off? You did a good job capturing how different wizards would react to it [think: contrast between Verity and Draco], and how it could ever possibly work. –squishes-
Author's Response: What a yummy yummy review! I must share the credit with Pinkcess of the Abyss, because the plot bunny and the original drabble was hers. I find it kind of funny that people don't know about the "rabbit test" anymore! I am getting old(er).
You have said all my favorite things, you wanted more, you liked it, you identified with the OC... really everything that I tried to do! You make me feel so successful! *squishes back*
Summary: Valentine's Day isn't a picnic for everyone; especially if you see your ex-boyfriend kissing your roommate. For Lavender Brown, that was the story of her current life. The night of the final battle, Lavender had seen Ron and Hermione kiss in front of everyone. She tries to escape the memory, but is unsuccessful. Lavender writes Ron a letter to help ease her heart-ache.
I’ve wanted to read this fic for ages, ever since I saw your gorgeous banner. I love Lavender/Ron, so it’s lovely to find stories about them. There aren’t many. One day, maybe I’ll even write my own. Hm. But your story, now...
You set the scene in the beginning well, taking the reader through what’s going on in Lavender’s life now, beyond Ron. I don’t know whether it is canon or not that Lavender and Parvati go back to school after the war, but I like that they’re there. It shows that Lavender cares for school – in HBP she comes across as being more interested in social stuff, to me, at least.
The first few paragraphs did seem a little repetitive though. Maybe mix the way the sentences start around a bit, or have a wider variety of sentence lengths... that might help.
You characterised Lavender well. You show that she’s probably usually a lot more friendly and laid-back, by the way you have Parvati react to her grouchiness when she comes down for breakfast, but you also show how she cares for Ron, and how that leads to a bit of... narrow-mindedness, I guess. The letters tell us a lot about her; I like how she tries to be nice, but mean thoughts slip through, and then eventually she just writes exactly what she’s thinking to make herself feel better. The strikethroughs made me smile, despite the sadness they symbolise. They show how she tries to be rational, tries to suppress her true feelings as they fight to get through.
The letter was very bittersweet, mixed with her tears, her emotions. It really sucked me in, got me into Lavender’s frame of mind. I like how the letter starts with Won-won, and eventually reaches Lav-lav. I think that shows the depths of Lavender, how much she truly loves Ron. We can see she still has the memories. It was sad, but beautifully put across.
“I heard Hermione muttering about her date tonight with . . .” she sniffed. “Ron.” - I feel ‘she sniffed’ breaks the sentence up a bit, and interrupts the flow. Maybe put it to the end of the sentence, or capitalise ‘she’...
there was no way she was going to talk to the boy-who-broke-her-heart. - I think that last word would be better as five words; how it is now caught me a bit, and it made me stop.
Just because you think you’re ‘in love’ with ex-buck tooth, doesn’t mean that you do. - clarifying what you mean by ‘do’ would be good. I stumbled a bit there.
and about our years in Hogwarts - did you miss a word somewhere there? ‘talk about’ maybe? :/
“Goodbye, Ron,” she whispered into the night - I thought this was set during the day? I think the ending would be more powerful as just ‘goodbye, Ron’, though I do like the ‘whispered’ detail.
Great job, MJ. I enjoyed your take on Lavender’s character, and how her relationship with Ron was. –hugs-
Author's Response: Wow. What a nice review! Thank you so much for all of your suggestions. I've been wanting to go back and change a couple of things but I have't found the time to. Thanks so much!
Featuring Anrdomeda Tonks (née Black), Druella Black (née Rosier) and an argument. [dialogue-only oneshot]
This is Sainyn Swiftfoot of Hufflepuff house submitting for the Gift of Gab challenge.
This was good. I think you’ve done a great job of capturing both characters’ personalities, despite being limited to just their words. I got a real feeling for Andromeda’s courageousness in the moment, and her mother’s need to be in control, as such. The way you have Druella asking of her husband’s opinion while he doesn’t get a word in demonstrated that well, because it shows that their children are her business more than his – it could even suggest she cares for blood status more than he does. Which in one respect I find quite hard to believe, but then I think about Bellatrix...
I liked that the letter was found, though I don’t believe Andromeda would have left it somewhere so easy to find. In fact, I wasn’t really sure why she hadn’t sent it...? It’s just, in the Black family, being involved with a Muggle-born seems to me as something you would try to hide, because the Blacks are so for ‘blood-purity’.
Andromeda addresses Druella a lot as ‘mother’; I like that because it doesn’t imply any particular friendliness, which is backed up by the formal tone they speak in. It gives a nice insight in to the dynamics of their relationship. However, I’m pretty sure it should have the ‘M’ in uppercase, because she’s talking to Druella and calling her ‘Mother’.
I really like the end. You built the suspense up so well, and I really thought Andromeda was going to win, and walk away while her mother looked on in shock or something. But that didn’t happen. In that last moment of the story when Druella casts the spell on Andromeda, you show Druella’s power so well, and that Andromeda really is just a girl. She’s no match to her mother. Hm, I’d be interested to see how she actually escapes her family – well, escapes Druella. :]
This was an enjoyable read; most of the Andromeda fics I’ve read focus on Andromeda/Ted, or how her sisters are reacting to her slowly slipping out of the family. I loved Druella; she’s that perfect cold-hearted woman, who cares more for her family name than what her daughter wants. She reminds me of Sirius’ mother a little bit, which works because they both hold very similar beliefs. Good work. xx