Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
Summary: Peter Pettigrew wasn't always a traitor. He was a Marauder, a prankster and a good friend.
Peter Pettigrew wasn't always called Wormtail.
Perhaps, one change led to the other?
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling but I doubt you're surprised by that revelation.
Oh, Carole. This was so wonderfully emotive, though very subtly done. Usually I don’t read marauder-era, but I couldn’t resist seeing what you’d done with this prompt, and I’m so pleased this is the story I chose.
At first, I couldn’t really see the relevance of the summary of the event leading to Sirius being locked in Azkaban that was woven throughout the story, but by the end, I realised that they are almost the point of the story. As I read I started to see how Sirius picked on Peter for little things, while James and Remus were kind, and didn’t. And then, the last italicised phrase finalised that idea, and it was as if Sirius had led Peter on to get to that point; it was a great endnote too, by the way.
I liked how you wrote this in the present tense. You used simple phrases, it was from Peter’s pov, and I felt as if that gave me even more of a feel for the character that you’d fleshed him out as. I liked how the Marauders treated him as an equal, and Peter felt perfectly at ease with them. So many fics just cast him to one side, but you’ve shown he is on the same level, which he obviously was. Why else would he be trusted as Secret Keeper? An animagus? A part of the Marauder’s Map? In fact, he’s possibly just as central to the group in this as Remus. I did notice he said very little in comparison with the rest of them though, which I found very in keeping with what JK showed us of his character.
Now, one person that really struck me was Regulus. I liked how Sirius wanted him in their compartment, and wanted him to be a Gryffindor. Maybe his motivations were against the Black family, but I got a feeling that he actually wanted Regulus in his house. But the scene shows how Sirius goes a little too far sometimes, he pushed his brother just a tad too much. I’m curious to know where Regulus went after he left the Marauder’s carriage. Do you think he went to sit on his own, or maybe with some Death Eater wannabes? Hm.
“A hawk, I should think.” Sirius snorts. “Something with good eyesight so he can get rid of those ridiculous glasses.”
I laugh. “Or a cheetah.” Sirius looks puzzled so I explain, “he could finally catch up with Lily, then.”
I love that part because it shows us that Peter is a Marauder, and accepted as such. Very simple dialogue, but it said a lot to me.
Now, Remus. You never have Peter tell us how they find out about Remus being a werewolf. One year he considers that his dad might be beating him, the next he knows, and I liked that you didn’t tell us they’d found out. This is because it seems so much more out of Peter’s head that way. He knows what’s happening. Why would he explain that to himself when he thinks about it? That way, I felt more as if I were there... If you know what I mean. :P
Lastly, I liked how selfless Peter is, concerning his mother especially. That he stayed behind with his mother in the holidays says that he cares about her a lot, and she seems to care for him too. That was a nice touch, as in the books it says she was devastated and all that about his ‘death’. You can’t help but wonder how it hurt him to know she thought he was dead...
Now, a few nit-picks:
The boy sitting [...] looks up at me. He’s quite pale and looks tired but he looks friendly. - there’s a lot of ‘looks’ repetition there. XD
“I’m Petey... err, Peter,” I reply. Remus holds out his hand, and I notice a scar across the back of his hand [...] - Aww, so sweet. But ‘hand’ repetition.
[...] the best cakes in the world,” she beams at me, “and I need [...] - I could be wrong, but shouldn’t the words outside of the quotations be in a different sentence? Not sure, but it looks a bit odd.
Mum’s really got to you hasn’t she. - that should be a question, really, I reckon.
I look at James expecting a retort [...] - I think you need commas around ‘expecting a retort’.
no five. - a comma after ‘no’ I think.
Anyway, really good work. Just in case you didn’t figure that I like this. Lol.
Author's Response: Awww, thanks, Spire. I'm pleased you liked the story. I actually struggle somewhat with Pettigrew so this was a way of me getting into his head. I'm kinda following a theory I have that the Marauders became more like the animals they were as Animagi, the more they became them (Does that make sense?). Regulus - I reckon he found a carriage with other first years - maybe Barty Crouch (if he's the same year).
Thank you for the nit picks. I totally agree about the repetition bits, I think I'll go back and look at them when I have time. You're the second person to mention that 'she beams at me' bit. This has been beta'd by the way (LOL) but I thought that as it was splitting Peter's speech that it should be lower case and in commas. It's not a dialogue tag but is part of the sentence. Perhaps, I'll reword that as well. Other nit picks - yes, you're right and I shall alter.
Anyhoo, thank ye so much for the review, especially as you're not really a Marauder fan. I'm actually fond of this story because it was bl**dy hard getting into Peter's head and remain sympathetic to the evil rat!
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these.
Sometimes, all it takes is a chocolate cheesecake and a friend – or something more – to rekindle a flame of hope.
Uh, wow. >.>
You handle second person, like, so well. It wasn’t even a little repetitive - a lot of fics in this PoV are all ‘you, you, your’ but not this one. I didn’t even notice the ‘you’s at times - toward the end especially, I could really quite imagine the scene.
I liked the link of the clock ticking throughout the story, and it was a good way to symbolise how quickly time moves. When she smashed the clock I didn’t expect it, but it showed how significant that ticking must be to people in that kind of situation.
The beginning… You went through quite a few names, and that’s okay, but you started all of those paragraphs in the same way, you know? You’d say their name, and then a few words of description - a little more variety in structure there would be good.
Right, well onto Sirius now. I liked your portrayal of him - he was balanced well. You know, he was serious, comforting, caring… but he had something else to him too. I suppose that’s because he could laugh and joke, and he had the ability to make Marlene do the same. /yeah.
He waves the fork towards your mouth like a parent feeding a child (“...and the Chaser flies towards the hoop...”).
Aw! I can remember those times. I like the wizarding substitute you’ve used for that method of feeding too, because if you’d used an ‘aeroplane’ or whatever, it would’ve been Muggle. So that was authentic.
The seriousness of this story caught me. And then it wound right down to a much lighter ending, though then there were the last few lines that remind you of how Sirius and Marlene even came to that situation anyway.
I have one nit-pick:
But other wizards and witches […] - I think it would be better if ‘witches’ came first.
Good work. xx
Uh, wow. Thank you for this review, Spire. I'm glad you liked my second person, and my Sirius, and my twist on that Muggle cliche. With the opening, I was aiming for that list effect... hmm, I'll look back and see how I could do better next time. And as for your nit-pick... well, I'm glad that was the only thing you could find. I'll check it out :) Thanks again, dear.
Summary: Breathing. It’s easy, isn’t it?
In. Out. In. Out.
But what if it’s not easy? What if your body struggles for breath? What happens if you cannot get enough oxygen into your lungs? What happens if your lungs contract so tightly that you’re forced to use all your strength simply to breathe?
And how on earth do a wizarding family cope with a Muggle condition that could kill?
This is Lily Luna Potter's story of living with asthma.
I am Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this is my entry for the Written World Challenge, Spring Term 2009. It has been written to garner support for Asthma UK.
I do not own any of these characters - they all belong to JK Rowling.
FACT: Asthma can kill.
Oh, Carole. I admit – I know nothing about asthma. But not only is this story heart wrenching, but it is educational. You’ve took us through the symptoms and possible causes, and you’ve shown us how impossibly terrifying it is. In fact, it would probably be even more so for wizards, because they have no knowledge of it, and they probably see themselves as completely alone. After all, it is a Muggle condition to them.
I liked the Ginny you depict. Her panic for her daughter shows her passion, but it also shows another side to her. In the HP books, she barely ever seems to get ruffled, but your Ginny is more similar to the vulnerable one we see in CoS. This I like, because a lot of fanfiction portrays her as very strong, or very weak, and in reality, Rowling’s character is neither. Well, she’s strong, but not that strong, you know? Yeah...
Now, I feel I should also comment on Ron. Ah, you have captured him perfectly. He’s joking, but his concern for Lily is there in an instant which is IC I think.
The only nit-pick I have for these two characters is their dialogue when Ginny floos to the Ministry. I like the interaction, but I think Ginny would want to get back to her baby immediately, not listen to her brother. Maybe Harry could ask Ron if he will look after the boys before apparating? And Ron could start to speak maybe, but Ginny has already gone. Hm.
The link to Muggle blood and asthma is inspired. I’ve never thought about how Muggle conditions could pass to wizards by blood, but it actually sounds very likely. I’m sitting here wishing I’d thought of that for my term challenge. Lol.
Bringing in the Healer who treated Mr Weasley was a good idea, too. It shows how he pursued his interest in Muggle medicine, and I like the link to the Weasley family. The very last line he speaks, that finishes off the chapter, was also very effective. It reminded me of dramas on the TV where the scene ends and it cuts to the adverts after the main characters have been told something that is possibly life changing.
“Weasley red,” Ginny said.
“Evans red,” said a voice behind them, as Harry arrived back from the Burrow.
“Prewett red,” declared Molly firmly.
Ooh, I never realised that all three families were redheads. Other than that, I love the dialogue between the three here.
“I’ve got to go,” he said. “I’ve got a meeting with Kingsley about Pius Thicknesse’s parole application.” - well, I hate repetition, but I actually think this sounds rather natural. I know I moan about repetition in stories, but I repeat things aloud all the time, and most people probably do as well.
“Nothing serious, I hope,”
Nah, they all get these coughs and colds at that age, don’t they.
Those two lines would ideally end with question marks.
A sudden noise from the fireplace caused both men turned around - that could do with rephrasing. How about ‘both men to turn around’.
She looked back at the nurse. - you said ‘looked’ in the line before. ‘turned back to’ maybe?
He stopped at a red door, decorated with children’s pictures, and opened it.
I love that detail, though I wasn’t sure whether you meant photos or drawings...?
Anyways, good work, Carole. I look forward to reading on. =) xx
PS: And I did look at an asthma website – I saw some things you included in your story as well, like lips turning blue.
Author's Response: WOW! What a review. Thank you so much, Spire. I'm glad you liked Ginny. I don't think she'd be strong all the time - either - especially when it concerns something she has no clue about. I'm glad you liked Ron. I struggle withb Trio characterisation so the fact that they're IC means a lot to me.
Okay on to the nit-picks which I mostly agree with. However, Ginny hasn't flood to the Ministry - it's just her head in the fire. So she hasn't left Lily alone.
The other nit-picks I shall go and sort out now ... skulks away .... Thank you! Carole xxx
Summary: This story is for the Written Word Challenge (Spring Term 2009).
Rose can purge her feelings. Cho can eat until she can't feel. Andromeda can starve herself until she feels nothing at all. These three girls have one thing in common. An eating disorder.
Oh, my eyes are actually watering. The end of that chapter was sad. =(
Well, this was great, Alex. I don’t know much about eating disorders, but I think you portrayed this very realistically. Not only could I relate with both Rose and Abigal’s points of views, but I learnt about the condition, too, as you slipped in lots of descriptions of it - in Abigal’s speech especially.
I can’t wait to read more actually. As you have felt the effects of this first-hand, I’m sure this will turn out as a fantastic story that I will remember. The prologue certainly gives that impression. Though, I wonder whether we’re going to see anymore of Rose? It would be interesting to see how her situation turns out, but I got the impression you were writing just one chapter for each girl from your WWC thread… Though I did read it a few months back, your plans. But it was one of the ones I wanted to read immediately, because it is obviously an important topic.
My only concrit for this chapter would be that I would’ve loved a bit more. I like that you don’t tell us directly how she got to this stage; that insinuates that anybody could get it in theory. They can, right? But it would’ve been good to see more of the development of the condition, maybe, or… something… Disregard this if there are more chapters coming about Rose.
And one tiny nit-pick:
I’d cry and tell her that my boyfriend had broken with me and was too depressed to eat - ‘broken up with me’ and ‘I was too depressed’?
Anyway, that’s all. Good luck with your story, and good luck with your bulimia and beating it. xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words. This is the sweetest review. I am deviating from my orginal plans. There will be more chapters about Rose in the future. Really, thank you so much. You are so sweet. xxAlex
Summary: What thoughts would go through your mind if you knew you only had seconds to live? Would you think about happy times or sad? Those you are leaving behind, or those you are going to see? Would you think about what you accomplished in your life or what you left undone? Would your mind be filled with regrets or pride?
A moment exists between life and death. For some that moment covers a lifetime of memories, for others it is all too brief.
Well, I loved this. The quick flashbacks really did portray the common idea of life flashing before the dying person’s eyes, and the swiftness emphasised this all the more. Also, for such a short piece, I felt as if you’d actually told James’ life story in a few paragraphs. Like, wow. We could see what matters to him, what his best memories are… everything. It was great.
I loved baby Harry at the beginning, too. So sweet! And you could see how much James and Lily cared for him…
“Daddy,” Harry said to him. - I think this would be better without the ‘to him’.
Dinner was at the normal time, and still more time playing with Harry. - usually I moan about repetition, but the subtle repeating of ‘time’ brings to life well that this family have so little of it left. We see the normality of their day, but we know what’s going to happen, which is why I found this simple line so effective.
pushing Harry into her arms and then pushed her away - repetition there is distracting, though. At the beginning of the chapter, you also repeated James’ name quite a bit.
the Healer says - ‘said’? I’m not too good with tenses, but that doesn’t seem right.
And, now, this has nothing to do with your writing per se, but I was wondering why there were different amounts of stars on the breaks between each memory?
And, lastly, I have to say the last sentence was devastating:
Sighing, James hoped against hope, he would not see Lily or Harry for a long time.
We know that Lily will be joining him momentarily, so that line is quite a powerful ending for its simplicity. But, either way, I like the connotation that when you die you will see your loved ones again one day.
Good work, honey. I look forward to reading more. xx
Author's Response: Spire,
Yes, says should be said. One verb that got missed when I switched this from second to third person POV. Thanks for catching it. You are right about the repetition when James gave her Harry. I do have a couple things to edit in it that I realised today at work were a bit off. I hope you will reread it once I make the changes. Thanks honey for the review.
On a late September evening, two close friends discover a new meaning in their relationshipâ€¦ Charlie Weasley/Original Character, one-shot.
Thank you to my Jenna/GringottsVault711 for her beta work.
Oh, Anna, this was beautiful.
Towards the beginning, you described what everybody was doing, and I think that was a really effective way of leading us to Charlie, etc. Also, it showed how the afternoon had ranged from up-tempo and then travelled to peaceful, which was reflected in the time of day nicely.
But no matter how thoroughly he had prodded her heart with his strange sense, he couldn’t catch any trace of aversion.
I was curious about Lucas’ character, as it was interesting to see how he fit in with the Weasleys, and what he himself was like. His sensing emotions – that’s a unique touch, which you wrote in well. It seemed very natural, which made Lucas himself seem all the more real. I like the quoted line because it hints at his ability but it doesn’t outright say it. I, as the reader, acknowledged that there was something more to him, and I got the gist of what it was from the little bits like that sprinkled throughout. But not having a concrete explanation within the narrative made me anticipate what Lucas says to Charlie even more, which kept my interest well.
With Maximilian gone to France again
I haven’t read your other stories with Lucas in, but I did pick up on what I’m assuming were references to OCs from them. I liked that, because you slipped them in and showed that Lucas is an OC with his own friends and family, too, but as well as that I love how the references were there, but they didn’t make it any harder for me to follow. Slightly curious, maybe... but having them there added that touch more originality, made the conversation, well, conversational, and it didn’t distract me from the story itself.
“It’s not that difficult.” He tried to sound casual. “Not if you pay attention.”
I love this part about Fred and George. Firstly, great plot device to lead in to Charlie’s questions, but also it’s the acknowledgement that although Fred and George look the same, they are different people. I don’t think people think about them like that a lot.
“Oh, I’m just glad to know that you’re not some all-powerful mind-reader, that’s all.”
“Again – why?”
And I love how Lucas’ ability leads in to the two of them confronting how they feel about each other. Their confession, for want of a better word, was beautifully written. There’s that kind of awkwardness about the whole situation as neither of them is really sure, as such, which leads in to such happiness for the both of them. It was great, because as the reader I could see they both felt the same way, so I’m just waiting for them to realise it – and then they do! Very well done.
Finally, the touch of humour was a nice way to end this story. The conversation before that was quite serious and sad because they only just found each other, but the last line injects something a little happier, if you know what I mean. Good story, dear xx
Summary: "She gave me such a telling-off one night when I got back to the dormitory at four in the morning ... your father and I had been for a night-time stroll."
This is the tale of Arthur Weasley and Molly Prewett, their love, and that night-time stroll.
Jen! OMG, it’s a Molly/Arthur... there just aren’t enough of this pairing around. *sigh*
Anyway... I like the simple beginning you give this story, just getting to the point straight away. At first, I thought Molly and Arthur were already together, and it was a bit of an unrequited love. I found that idea a bit odd, because I always saw them as a really close couple. I mean, just look at their children, and the little bit of Molly/Arthur we see in HBP. However, you went on to surprise me with the fact that they didn’t know each other yet.
At this point, I got a little disbelieving. It’s not any fault of your own excellent writing, it is just that, personally, I don’t believe in love at first sight. At the same time as I raise my eyebrow and frown about it, though, I think you don’t make the love at first sight thing unrealistic. I could see how it happened to Arthur; it seemed just like something, well, right, that actually comes true. You know what I mean? Building on that, you worked his irritation at not actually knowing her well with the being given a partner scene, though it would’ve been nice to see a little more background with the couple, maybe see where the love developed from a bit more? That would’ve made the love a little more plausible for me, because we don’t really see their friendship take form, even after we see them properly meet.
When they finally meet properly, it was really cute. I could truly imagine the scene, which helped me get a better feel for the story. However, having the books being dropped was slightly clichéd.
I liked the way you continued with their acquaintance turning into a friendship – though, like I said, it would’ve been nice to see a little of how that friendship developed - with the penultimate scene being the walk referenced in the books. It was sweet, and it’s the sort of thing I could really visualise. The interruption on their walk was integrated quite humorously, and it was a nice touch for Molly to go back and tell him that she loved him. It made me grin, because we’d been seeing how Arthur thought she wasn’t interested in him for the whole story, and then in the last few lines we see that Molly feels the same. It was a nice ending.
[...] one of many Weasley boys [...] - is there proof of many Weasleys in Arthur’s generation? I always thought the Weasley family was big just because Arthur and Molly had a lot of children. Surely, we would hear of further Weasleys in the books if they existed? Contradict if I’m wrong, though XD
Anyway, overall this was well written, enjoyable, and quite a refreshing story to read. There’s not many M/A stories around, and this was a nice change to all the common other pairings written. –hugs-
Author's Response: :D Thank you so much, darling! What a wonderful review. As for love at first sight - I know it doesn't happen much in real life, but this was supposed to be just a sweet, fluffly little fic and having it written like this just felt right for Molly/Arthur, you know? It wouldn't have worked as well if they had been friends first, in my opinion. The Weasley boys thing stemmed from the fact that Ginny was the first female Weasley born for several generations. I think Arthur only had a few brothers, but I'd imagine he had a few cousins and that as well. ;) Thank you for all your lovely comments, dear! <3
Summary: Draco wipes the memory of his girlfriend of when she tells him she is actually a Muggle. What he doesn't know is that she is pregnant with his child.
Hey, dear! This was an enjoyable story, and I thought you did a great job with the OC. I found myself relating to her almost immediately, as I’ll explain later in this review, and I think that’s what pulled me in to the story so quickly.
I thought it was quite nice how you incorporated a little history into this – I didn’t know about rabbit tests, and I found it quite an interesting little fact to know. In addition you kept that idea alive well, with the reference to ‘rabbit’s at the end with eye to eye with the rabbit peeping out of a wizard’s top hat. That was a great way to remember it, too; it’s a magical stereotype, but the highest magical level the OC should be at despite her former pretences and her child’s abilities.
You linked your OC’s job to the wizarding world so flawlessly, and it just felt kind of right that she was a part of it all despite being a Muggle. And it was nice to hear that George got his and Fred’s wish of a shop in Hogsmeade – that was a nice touch, because it reminds of little things from the books. :)
I found the memory charm quite confusing at first, because she seemed to remember some things – like she remembered Draco, but she didn’t know him – but not others. Did she meet Draco in the restaurant they were in when she was obliviated? However, I think that I was a little confused was probably good, because it kind of backed up Verity’s statement that it was a badly done spell.
a feeling of déjà vu washes over you
I really like that line, because it’s kind of like a perfect Muggle!summary of what she’s going through with the memory charm. She’s been in that scenario before, but she can’t place her finger on when... ‘déjà vu’ is a great way to get the reader to understand what she’s thinking, without having to go into loads of unnecessary detail, or whatever.
My favourite aspect of this story is that your OC is a Muggle, though, and that she does such a good job of pretending to be a witch and fitting into this whole other world. Ultimately, every Harry Potter fan has wished they were a witch/wizard before, and it makes the OC easy to relate to. In fact, I found myself getting quite annoyed with Draco, because what she’d done seemed perfectly rational; his reaction seemed so unfair because he has everything she wants. :[
Overall, this was a great little fic – I really enjoyed it... I got to the end and wanted more. It’s an intriguing idea; how could a Muggle live a wizarding life and pull it off? You did a good job capturing how different wizards would react to it [think: contrast between Verity and Draco], and how it could ever possibly work. –squishes-
Author's Response: What a yummy yummy review! I must share the credit with Pinkcess of the Abyss, because the plot bunny and the original drabble was hers. I find it kind of funny that people don't know about the "rabbit test" anymore! I am getting old(er).
You have said all my favorite things, you wanted more, you liked it, you identified with the OC... really everything that I tried to do! You make me feel so successful! *squishes back*
Summary: Valentine's Day isn't a picnic for everyone; especially if you see your ex-boyfriend kissing your roommate. For Lavender Brown, that was the story of her current life. The night of the final battle, Lavender had seen Ron and Hermione kiss in front of everyone. She tries to escape the memory, but is unsuccessful. Lavender writes Ron a letter to help ease her heart-ache.
I’ve wanted to read this fic for ages, ever since I saw your gorgeous banner. I love Lavender/Ron, so it’s lovely to find stories about them. There aren’t many. One day, maybe I’ll even write my own. Hm. But your story, now...
You set the scene in the beginning well, taking the reader through what’s going on in Lavender’s life now, beyond Ron. I don’t know whether it is canon or not that Lavender and Parvati go back to school after the war, but I like that they’re there. It shows that Lavender cares for school – in HBP she comes across as being more interested in social stuff, to me, at least.
The first few paragraphs did seem a little repetitive though. Maybe mix the way the sentences start around a bit, or have a wider variety of sentence lengths... that might help.
You characterised Lavender well. You show that she’s probably usually a lot more friendly and laid-back, by the way you have Parvati react to her grouchiness when she comes down for breakfast, but you also show how she cares for Ron, and how that leads to a bit of... narrow-mindedness, I guess. The letters tell us a lot about her; I like how she tries to be nice, but mean thoughts slip through, and then eventually she just writes exactly what she’s thinking to make herself feel better. The strikethroughs made me smile, despite the sadness they symbolise. They show how she tries to be rational, tries to suppress her true feelings as they fight to get through.
The letter was very bittersweet, mixed with her tears, her emotions. It really sucked me in, got me into Lavender’s frame of mind. I like how the letter starts with Won-won, and eventually reaches Lav-lav. I think that shows the depths of Lavender, how much she truly loves Ron. We can see she still has the memories. It was sad, but beautifully put across.
“I heard Hermione muttering about her date tonight with . . .” she sniffed. “Ron.” - I feel ‘she sniffed’ breaks the sentence up a bit, and interrupts the flow. Maybe put it to the end of the sentence, or capitalise ‘she’...
there was no way she was going to talk to the boy-who-broke-her-heart. - I think that last word would be better as five words; how it is now caught me a bit, and it made me stop.
Just because you think you’re ‘in love’ with ex-buck tooth, doesn’t mean that you do. - clarifying what you mean by ‘do’ would be good. I stumbled a bit there.
and about our years in Hogwarts - did you miss a word somewhere there? ‘talk about’ maybe? :/
“Goodbye, Ron,” she whispered into the night - I thought this was set during the day? I think the ending would be more powerful as just ‘goodbye, Ron’, though I do like the ‘whispered’ detail.
Great job, MJ. I enjoyed your take on Lavender’s character, and how her relationship with Ron was. –hugs-
Author's Response: Wow. What a nice review! Thank you so much for all of your suggestions. I've been wanting to go back and change a couple of things but I have't found the time to. Thanks so much!
Featuring Anrdomeda Tonks (née Black), Druella Black (née Rosier) and an argument. [dialogue-only oneshot]
This is Sainyn Swiftfoot of Hufflepuff house submitting for the Gift of Gab challenge.
This was good. I think you’ve done a great job of capturing both characters’ personalities, despite being limited to just their words. I got a real feeling for Andromeda’s courageousness in the moment, and her mother’s need to be in control, as such. The way you have Druella asking of her husband’s opinion while he doesn’t get a word in demonstrated that well, because it shows that their children are her business more than his – it could even suggest she cares for blood status more than he does. Which in one respect I find quite hard to believe, but then I think about Bellatrix...
I liked that the letter was found, though I don’t believe Andromeda would have left it somewhere so easy to find. In fact, I wasn’t really sure why she hadn’t sent it...? It’s just, in the Black family, being involved with a Muggle-born seems to me as something you would try to hide, because the Blacks are so for ‘blood-purity’.
Andromeda addresses Druella a lot as ‘mother’; I like that because it doesn’t imply any particular friendliness, which is backed up by the formal tone they speak in. It gives a nice insight in to the dynamics of their relationship. However, I’m pretty sure it should have the ‘M’ in uppercase, because she’s talking to Druella and calling her ‘Mother’.
I really like the end. You built the suspense up so well, and I really thought Andromeda was going to win, and walk away while her mother looked on in shock or something. But that didn’t happen. In that last moment of the story when Druella casts the spell on Andromeda, you show Druella’s power so well, and that Andromeda really is just a girl. She’s no match to her mother. Hm, I’d be interested to see how she actually escapes her family – well, escapes Druella. :]
This was an enjoyable read; most of the Andromeda fics I’ve read focus on Andromeda/Ted, or how her sisters are reacting to her slowly slipping out of the family. I loved Druella; she’s that perfect cold-hearted woman, who cares more for her family name than what her daughter wants. She reminds me of Sirius’ mother a little bit, which works because they both hold very similar beliefs. Good work. xx
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a young witch who fell under an old and terrible curse. At least everyone thought it was a curse because the truth was, no one knew what caused the “Sleeping Beauty Sickness.” It was a rare and strange, but it was famous enough that the Muggles even told stories about how these bewitched girls would wake, but every wizard knew the truth: no one ever woke up. They laid in a coma, aging slowly, until they died. When the child of a famous pureblood family falls ill, she is entrusted to Saint Mungo’s hospital, and instead of a stone tower, is given her own Ward, which becomes a place of scandal and horror.
Heather, I was really intrigued by the title, and was going to read this anyway, but when you won overall, I knew I had to read it. And this didn’t disappoint me – it was SO good. Just... I was going to review chapter by chapter, but I didn’t want to stop reading!
First thing that struck me about this was the sounds that you’ve inserted throughout, like the rain on the window. That was a very atmospheric touch, and it added to the story well -- especially the rain in Abigail’s death scene – you built up the tension so well, even before Trelawney had her vision. I liked how the rain was there in that scene at all, as it rained at the beginning of the story, when the girl was cursed. So having that detail later on, it kind of inserted a sense of foreboding, as such. It was quite creepy and haunting, and I felt as if I was there.
I liked how you inserted familiar names into the story, and eventually it ended with Percy. He was an excellent choice of character to awake her. In fact, I like how you kept this wholly fairytale all the way through.
I love the way this gives a back-story to Percy’s relationship/wife. The whole thing is rather mystical, and I find myself suddenly seeing Percy in a new light. I mean, the way Percy’s portrayed in the books just doesn’t touch a lot on the romantic side of him. But you’ve shown a perfectly in character Percy’s more romantic side. I love his embarrassment at how he woke her up – so good, it reminds me of his mortification at Ginny catching him and Penelope. XD
In addition to seeing Percy differently, I thought the inner-dialogue you wrote for him was perfect. I could really imagine it – the inner-denial, the Come on, Perce. Just... I think you captured his tone well, and it was a lovely touch.
A line that stood out to me in this story was Professor Viridian’s last. It was so final, and it instantly made me hurry on. Somehow, I figured that the girl HAD to wake up.
I would’ve liked to know how she was cursed – something to do with the rain? I wasn’t sure. However, I also like the ambiguity, the fact that you don’t tell us, that it’s not clear how it happened. It just happened, and I think I like it better that way. /yeah.
I do question Morticia, though, after she wakes up. All of the people she knew are dead – you show this gets to her [like, not wanting to go back to school], but I’d imagine a little more devastation. Bitterness at her parents abandoning her to the hospital? Sadness that her old life is gone, and she has to build a new one? Does she block it out because she doesn’t want to think about it? I know I wouldn’t want to dwell on it. But even so, it must be quite awkward for her to live with Molly at first. I just would’ve liked a little more in that area of the story.
Overall, I absolutely LOVE this fic. Seriously. Also, it’s quite original which I like. Really good. –squishes-
Author's Response: Thanks! I was afraid I wasn't going to finish this fic, actually, because the ending was not sticking. I was going to write a third chapter, but then I went with the less is more method and trimmed out extra scenes and ideas to just jump it to the ending. To answer your questions about Morticia's feelings: I know there's not a lot of them in the fic, but that's because Morticia does want to tune things out. I didn't have a lot of space to show case her personality, but I tried to convey that she isn't the most open person by how she treats the Healer when she wakes up. She also tends to talk a lot about business and logicstics with Percy, but that does eventually lead into her telling him how she feels. I wanted to convey Morticia as a very observant woman because I think Percy might generally be attracted to someone like that. In addition, your comments on Percy are really appriciated. I've never written him before, but I decided to go out on a limb and do it because he just fit what I wanted to write SO well. As soon as I added Percy into the ending, it just worked, and I really liked writing those scenes.
Summary: Everyone knows Hagrid took Harry from the ruins of the house in Godrics Hollow. What we don’t know is where Hagrid went between rescuing Harry and delivering him to Privet Drive.
This is the story of those missing twenty-four hours.
I do not own anything you recognise in this story. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I am just grateful to be able to escape into her world for a little while.
Aw, Terri, this was a lovely story. I haven’t read many fics featuring Hagrid as a main character, but I think you captured him perfectly. You show his caring nature well, by little things like his last few lines of dialogue and that he doesn’t go to sleep. And you did a good job with his dialogue by the way; you didn’t just drop off random letters -- you kept it consistent, and I could hear Hagrid. Though with Hagrid’s speech, you did have him saying ‘ye’ a lot, and that sounds kind of like old English. I’d use ‘yeh’ instead when writing him – that’s what JKR uses, and it sounds more natural I think.
“You’re going to be okay, ‘Arry. And someday, you will be a great wizard like your dad.”
That line managed to make my eyes well up. It’s very Hagrid, but also it’s so sweet, and I know that his prediction comes true which adds more weight to it. In the moment, it pulls at the heartstrings, because of what Harry’s been through. Also, I like how there’s no dialogue tag there, because I read it how I imagined he would say it – and I’m sure I probably read it how you intended – and it seems smoother than it would be with ‘he said’ or whatever. That’s good I reckon, because it doesn’t distract from what he’s saying.
I think it was good how Hagrid [excepting Dumbledore] was really the only one to know about Lily and James at this point, and everybody else was just getting to the stage where they were hearing whispered rumours. It kind of made it harder for Hagrid, because when he was asked why he had a baby he had to explain, and besides that he had to look after Harry. Of course, that’s a great responsibility and he’s proud to be trusted with it, but caring for Harry probably makes it tougher for him to comprehend what it all means, etc.. If you know what I mean....
Yeah, this was a great story, Terri. Overall, I think what makes it so good is that you captured the emotions in the dialogue, etc., and it really pulled me into the fic. Great job, dear. xx
Author's Response: Spire,
Thank you for your review. I agree with you over the ye/yeh thing and I am going to go in and edit the story. I have written Hagrid before for Who Am I? but I still worry about getting his speech just right. Thanks again.
Summary: In Hannah Abbott’s life plan, when she is twenty-nine, she is married and has two children. But of course, life doesn’t always go according to plan. On her twenty-ninth birthday, Hannah receives a shock that will change her life forever, and will maybe just set her back on the track of her life plan.
Hi, Russia! Oh, I really enjoyed this little fic. I’ve never read a Neville/Hannah before, and it was quite refreshing to have a look at this very under-explored pairing.
I love how you begin with her waking up. Somehow, I got right in to the scene because of that, because it started at the start, with it being morning. If that makes sense...?
I like the whole concept of the pregnancy in this fic: if Neville weren’t on his way to see Hannah anyway, I have a feeling it would’ve brought the two back together. :) And I love how she doesn’t realise she's expecting. It shows how she was wrapped up in other things -- how much Neville means to her. You never really say whether she’s happy to be having a baby [although you mention in the beginning how she thought she’d be married with kids by now] but that doesn’t matter because you show us with this:
“You’re really happy?” She asked.
“Really.” Neville grinned.
She has Neville again, and if Neville’s happy, it just seems to be a natural conclusion that Hannah’s going to be, too. And it begins to complete her plan for ‘29’, too. XD
More than anything, she was glad that those ridiculous rumours of a surprise party were false.
In this paragraph, I couldn’t help but question Hannah, though. She gets one owl – despite requesting nobody bother with her birthday – and she feels glad? She certainly has reason to want to pretend she’s not getting older, but wouldn’t having no owls make her feel even a little sad or unloved? I’d have liked just a twinge of alone-ness or something.
Why was Roger Davis on a Muggle train? When I read that part, I got a little distracted, because I couldn’t see why he was there. He just was. Like others have said and you have admitted: it was too convenient. If you included a reason as to why he was there, I would have found it a little more believable, because then it would seem as if he had a purpose. But, or this is the impression I got from the books, I don’t think wizards generally go to work on Muggle transport.
I really liked it when Neville stumbled in to her. I knew it was him before the name even came; it was such an in-character moment. However, as Neville went in to his ‘I love you’ speech, I thought that could’ve been better. Despite being older and braver, I think it would make him nervous confessing such things all the same: maybe he could have shuffled his feet before just plunging in or something?
And I’d like to compliment you on your dialogue. It sounds really natural, how you’ve made characters trail off, have them say ‘erm’ when they’re embarrassed or whatever. Really nicely done!
By the way, I love how you included the prompt’s name towards the end. That was a nice little connection, and added to the positivity of the conclusion. I really enjoyed this story; I liked how you took a different pairing and you brought them back together. Good work! xx
Author's Response: Hey Spire! It is so nice to have a new review! I totally agree with everything you have said, I hate how convienient the train was... but it was part of the prompt to add it on, but I guess I could have done it better. Now I think of it, i should have included a reason shouldn't I? Hmm maybe I'll give that some thought and maybe add a bit in. Thanks for all your concrit and your compliments! *hugs* Russia xxxx
Summary: Not all Slytherins were planning to join forces with the Dark Lord. Daphne Greengrass was one of them, and so she tells her sister.
Well, I’m not sure why I’m the first review for this story. Honestly, I don’t read many [well, any :p] Astoria or Daphne fics, but this one seems quite different, fresh, to me – there’s not that many fics set during the year the trio should be seventh years.
The characterisation is great. I love your Daphne! She’s so witty, so Slytherin-esque, but she has this unexpected caring quality for her sister, which makes her seem much more... real, and rounded in a way. I’m not sure how to explain, but I do think you wrote her really well. I always imagined the wife of Draco Malfoy to be Slytherin, too, but there’s no doubt that you made Astoria’s character work. I especially liked how good a prefect she is. Quite the opposite to Draco there! LOL.
As far as characterisation goes, my favourite bit about it is how you’ve shown Daphne and Astoria together. They’re not that alike, but they blend so well – as sisters do. I thought the banter between them [particularly on Daphne’s part] was nicely done, because it demonstrated who they are and where they stand [with each other] well.
It was Orla Quirke, a junior at her house. -- this is a tiny quibble, but in Britain you wouldn’t call people ‘junior’ or ‘senior’, etc. So, with the Hogwarts years, I’d stick to ‘first’, ‘second’, etc., for authenticity’s sake.
“No need to get so insecure, Ria. I’m sure she didn’t mean Draco Malfoy.”
Oh, my, that was THE perfect ending. It’s light-hearted [after a conversation that’s not so light-hearted] and really displays that sisterly banter. Also, to the reader it has a serious undertone because of course it IS Draco she’s waiting for, and that Draco’s still seeing Myrtle in his seventh year says a lot about how he’s coping – which reflects on the whole situation in the wizarding world. I know this story isn’t about Draco, at all, but I really like how you’ve incorporated him. You’ve shown there’s strain on him, and of course, because Astoria goes on to marry him, he’s a good character to include.
Overall, this was a nice little one-shot, and I quite enjoyed it. I may have to look in to your A Marriage Made at Hogwarts sometime. :) xox
Author's Response: Hello Spires! *huggles*
Wow! Your review came as a complete surprise. I was beginning to think that no one liked this fic. Lol!
Daphne is probably my favorite Slytherin. *grins* Seriously, though, I think she was different from the Bulstrode/Pansy variety. We don’t hear much about her bullying or hexing people. She could have been a part of “Pansy’s gang of Slytherin girls,” but her silence speaks volumes to me. And I don’t believe that all the Slytherins came to fight alongside Voldemort. Zabini also seems far too cunning for that.
Astoria was the first person about whom I’d drawn a coherent image – Daphne came later as a foil. Yes, they have different values and beliefs, but they do love each other. : )
As for the ending, I so wanted to bring in Draco. I’d started writing this Draco/Astoria fic, where she actually hates him at first, and this one-shot came later. So, yes, I wanted to include the irony of Astoria being repulsive of her future husband.
And thank you for pointing the part about the “junior” part. Briticism will be the death of me .Thanks for such a wonderful review. : D
Summary: In September 1991, Karis McLaggan receives a commission to paint the portrait of the powerful Tiberius Crouch. As the painting develops, so does their relationship.
But does Tiberius really understand Karis' intent?
This is Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this is my entry for the Lofty Learning Challenge: The Science of Portraiture.
NB - The purpose of this challenge was to write a monologue so the conversation is all from Karis' point of view.
Many thanks to Colores/Fresca for beta'ing this and making very helpful suggestions.
Well, I wasn’t sure what to expect from this, but I really like the result! If I’d realised Karis were Blaise’s mother in the beginning maybe I would’ve put two and two together sooner, but knowing how the challenge would end and seeing the Karis you painted, I wasn’t sure quite what would happen.
I love a story with twists and turns, and this certainly had them. There was such a back-story for Karis, but when you think about you only glossed over it, hiding the full extent of it from Tiberius. Very well done, because I felt as if I knew more about Karis than I actually did.
“Oh, good, I do hate penny pinchers, don’t you?”
LOL. On looking back through the story for this review, this is the practically the first line I read and it’s so ironic. I love it. Because that’s kind of what Karis seems to be.
It was interesting reading a story with only one character’s dialogue, but I got a feeling for Tiberius’ character by the way he’s spoken to, the way Karis reacts to him. Especially towards the end, I think you really showed both characters’ true colours, and that was interesting. The change was quite abrupt in Tiberius, suddenly not being so keen on her singing and talk, but that didn’t bother me too much because it showed how a few months living with Karis, getting to know her properly, had made him look at her more closely. You could see he was suspicious of her by the way he regarded other men. Although, another scene after the wedding might’ve been nice to balance the change in the character’s perspectives of each other out. By the end, I could see Tiberius as an irritable old man – was he like that all along, or did Karis make him like that? I like to go with the latter theory, though it doesn’t matter so much either way I don’t suppose...
Karis’ advances on Tiberius were quite amusing in a roll-my-eyes kind of way. She was so obvious about it, but it had exactly the desired effect on him. LOL.
Towards the beginning it seemed like the word ‘sir’ or ‘Tiberius’ ended quite a few of Karis’ sentences. It showed her respect for him well, painted a picture of her well, but because she said it so often, it got a little repetitive and needless. I think just cutting a few of them out and dispersing them more would be beneficial – I didn’t notice that towards the end, though, because I suppose they were more familiar with each other by then.
Why would I be interested in him? He hasn’t got two Knuts to rub together.”
“Oh, don’t be so naive; why do you think I married you? And as you’ve admitted, you didn’t marry me for my conversation, which seems to annoy you
Honestly, I think the ending was really well done. Just as the penny drops for Tiberius, but it’s too late!
The way of death was different, too. I didn’t know the thing about Hades and his chair, but it fit in really well. Hades being the God of the Underworld, and Tiberius dying in that way – like earlier, kind of ironic, but quite subtle too. It the sort of thing I’ll only pick up subconsciously [if at all] on the first read, but on looking at the story more in-depth the significance, whether meant or not, is really nice.
Overall, I enjoyed this story. Karis Mclaggen is certainly an interesting character... I’m still not really sure what to think of her – she’s so mysterious, deceptive. Great work, dear. xx
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Spire. Sorry, I've taken forever to respond, but just to let you know that I do appreciate you taking the trouble to review this. ~Carole~
Summary: She had taken to walking here most nights since he’d gone. The utter loneliness of her life led her to flee her mausoleum of a marriage bed for the solitude of these shores, and Narcissa would stride up and down the coast trying to block out the memories that threatened to break her.
The title for this oneshot is a quote from Charlotte Gray.
I am Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this story has been written for Roxy Black's 'Watching the Mirror' class on the MNFF Beta Boards.
Thank you very much to Ari (Royari) for her help in beta'ing this oneshot in super speedy time.
Disclaimer I am not JK Rowling but I doubt that surprises anyone.
Ooh, this was an interesting depiction of Narcissa, Carole. I have to say, she is one of the most interesting characters, I believe – she has such a perfect, kind of apathetic, facade, but underneath she has the rawest emotions in regards to her son, and Lucius too. I think you captured that whole aspect of Narcissa’s character wonderfully here.
I like the exploration of Narcissa’s feelings towards the Death Eaters and Voldemort. Looking back on the story, this line really stands out to me – Draco would die fighting for something he cared nothing for, fighting because he was scared. Although that’s Narcissa’s outlook on why Draco’s where he is, at the same time it makes me think of her, and why she’s where she is. She could’ve turned her back on that life like Andromeda, but really she’s always been a bit like Lucius -- Lucius would have sacrificed her to save his own skin and the Malfoy name -- and she would be afraid to shame her family like that. When Lucius saved Narcissa at the end, and because Narcissa spends the whole story attempting to save Draco, though, it shows how this couple has changed. When Narcissa attempts to slit her wrists, she can’t because of her self-preservation instinct, and that’s characteristic of the entire Malfoy family as a whole, I think. They care for themselves, certainly, but Lucius and Narcissa – by this time – care more for Draco than themselves.
When I was reading this story, I imagined a beach with a backdrop of stormy, grey waves, and – I don’t know if that’s the affect you intended – that really fit this story. The way I imagined the beach was a bit like a reflection of Narcissa’s inner turmoil, so that image made the story just a little more vibrant for me. Another thing the beach symbolises perfectly, I think, is Narcissa’s loneliness. The whole solitariness of the landscape just made her seem more alone. I think you picked a great setting for this story.
I’m not sure I’ve ever read any angst by you – apart from your story about asthma, maybe – so it was interesting to read something is a slightly different style, if you know what I mean. Great story, dear. x
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I don't write a lot of angst because it's not very 'me' so I'm pleased this rang true for you. The beach backdrop scene was actually the prompt for the fic so THANK YOU for seeing that. There's a point in DH where Lucius squeezes Narcissa's knee and that says it all for me. They have a connection, that's bound up with each other and also their son. Anyway, that's how I see the Malfoys. Thanks again for the review, Spire. ~Carole~
Summary: Australia – a land on the other side of the planet, away from the war. Or, at least, that was what Hermione Granger thought when sending her parents there after Obliviating them temporarily. She told them where to go so that she could find them once the war was over, but, when she wants to bring them back, they are no longer there.
Will Hermione find her parents and bring them back to Great Britain, or will she lose the family she tried so hard to save?
Bine, I’ve read several of your fics, and I have to say this one has got to be one of your best. Seriously, such a captivating plot line. And adding that prologue was a great way of getting my attention, and wishing that Hermione would listen to Ron for the rest of the story. At the same time, though, it might’ve been more effective to exclude Ron’s line from the prologue. While that is such a great end point, it somewhat made the impact less when you got to the attack scene in the main story. From the dialogue in the prologue, it just kind of tells you that Ron will turn up and save the day. I don’t know... I just think it would’ve been a little more suspenseful without that line.
‘I think that it’s a couple of miles from Sydney to Warrabri, right?’
This is minor, but ‘a couple of miles’ confused me, because, you know, it obviously wasn’t just ‘a couple of miles’. Unless Ron was being sarcastic, in which case I think you need to make that clearer, I think.
Critique aside, I loved this story. Really. Just... gah >.> I haven’t read any of the other Hermione-going-to-get-her-parents stories floating around the archives, but maybe I should try some of them. Though I knew Jay was no good from the prologue, I would never have guessed that was because he’s a witch-hunter. In fact, the whole witch-hunting prospect is something I’ve never seen explored in fanfiction set in the last century or whatever. It was interesting to read your take on a modern family of witch-hunters, and how they had their own wards against witches. That whole explanation scene, as such, where we learn about the real Jay and a little about his history, had me so intrigued. I would’ve loved a little more detail, but that’s not something that detracted from the fic. That’s just me wanting to know more, LOL.
The characterisation of all three main characters was great. Jay was certainly really skilled at witch-hunting [makes you wonder how long he had been witch-hunting :/], and that really shone through effectively in how he deceives Hermione into trusting him. Ron and Hermione were written well; I liked the little details you added in around them, about Ron’s ears turning red, etc., because it gave that sense that, yes, these are the characters I know.
Like I said at the beginning of this review, Bine, this is one of my favourite stories by you. It was a great read. xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the great review, Spire. I certainly had a lot of fun writing the story around a witch-hunter. And who knows? Maybe I'm going to explore witch-hunting in the future.
Summary: Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.
It's easy to make a wrong decision. It's a lot harder to rectify it. Remus Lupin knows this far too well. But even in the depths of winter, there's always that one little thing that keeps you going. Hope.
Jen, this is a lovely story. The shortness definitely works in your favour; I feel as if it were much longer it would be dragged out too much, despite maybe making us feel him miss her more.
Yay, you wrote in second person! :) In fanfiction, I very much associate Remus with this point of view – maybe because that’s how I write him generally – and it definitely flows very naturally for his character here. Also I liked how the tense changes; it showed him thinking back, almost, but living in the now, too. However, I have to say the tenses got a bit confusing at times for me. I’m not sure why exactly, because despite liking the structure of it, I couldn’t help but be a bit like ‘wait, where are we now?’ Because in some paragraphs it would just skip from the past to present, or vice versa. For example, here there was an inconsistency and that made me more aware of the tenses – It echoed throughout the silent house, and you startled yourself so much that your teacup fell to the ground and shattered. The mess is cleaned up with a flick of your wand, but you feel foolish regardless.
eating meat nearly raw and fighting to the death with your friends every full moon.
I wondered about that line, as I didn’t really get the impression the Remus was friends with the werewolves, even from the short mention of spending time with them. Is he just being hypothetical here? I would’ve liked maybe a little clarification of what you meant by ‘friends’, as it did make me pause.
The conversation in italics between Remus and Tonks was interesting. You characterised them both perfectly – Tonks angry at how stupid he’s being in her eyes, but Remus being stubborn enough not to back down – and I loved the effect of the italics. The italics made it seem like the words were almost imprinted on his brain, as if he remembered the scene many a time in his loneliest moments. And, of course, he would – the story intertwines that loneliness with his love for her. The two emotions come together so naturally here, and this little scene really works for introducing the couple, set off against his musings and excuses for why.
But as the cold air clears and the snow on the ground starts to melt, so do the ice chambers you’ve built around your heart. -- ooh, I love that metaphor! It reflects the season so perfectly, but also catalogues the change in Remus, showing the toll his love and loneliness has taken on him.
I like how you touch on Remus’ school relationships, and his refusal to acknowledge Peter. It’s effective that you mention Peter at all [I like how you refer to him as ‘Peter’, too, and not ‘the rat’ or something – a nice reflection of who Remus is], as it shows that he can’t help but think of him, even if he does push the image away. That seems very realistic to the way people think. It’d be an acknowledgement you can’t help but have, even if you deny it to yourself.
The ending with the fruit tree was sweet. It’s like a symbol of their relationship, and it’s both sad and nice because as the reader I know that tree will last longer than they – but it’ll survive almost as a symbol or reminder that they were there. To make the tree carry more weight, as such, I would’ve liked it if you’d started the story with the tree somehow – I guess in a way you did, since it’s the chapter’s title – as that would’ve given the sense of coming full circle, which it could be said Remus and Tonks do. Even so, though, I like how you made that tree significant in the second section of the story.
I really enjoyed this look at Remus, and the second person added a lot to it, for me. Remus/Tonks can become quite clichéd, I think, but you gave this a nice spin of difference which I liked. Lovely story, dear. –squishes-
Summary: redemption: n. 1. The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed.
The story of Snape's life.
Hey, Psi! Well, I read this poem on the boards some time ago and thought it was good, so it’s nice to get to read it again and review it, this time around. :]
Severus Snape... hmm, I’m never sure what I think of him. He’s one of the deepest and most interesting characters to explore, but before DH you can’t help but hate him. One of the things I really like about your poem if that you go to Severus’ core, and subtly drag up his disgust in himself.
The story moves on
I think you used that line excellently. It’s short and simple, but right to the point which fits Severus’ character in this nicely, because the story has the element of how he works towards revealing himself for who he is. There’s the fact that he spends most of his life lying, but because this poem shows him confronting himself, in a way, that line is almost like... a twisted kind of resignation. In addition, as you place it at the end of a stanza, the story really does move on.
He does what needs to be done,
the practicalities, the gritty reality.
His life is built on the necessary.
These three lines have to be my favourites. First read, I liked them for the rhythm and flow. Second read, I looked at them deeper and realised they summarise Severus perfectly. His life has shaped itself in a way that all of these ideas are important factors because of his decisions.
Next, I have to comment on the way you’ve structured the poem. I love how you’ve distinguished between his life, death and afterlife. All three deserve to be distinguished because they all are aspects of change – in a way – for him. In life, his true character is only really seen by Dumbledore; in death it is revealed to Harry and later everyone; in the afterlife, I wouldn’t say he’s given up his facade completely, but he’s a different man, who’s endured much. By telling his story, it’s kind of like he’s ready to give up that facade. And what’s more, in death he’s greeted by Dumbledore, which only seems fitting to me since Dumbledore is the only one – besides possibly Lily – who’s ever really trusted him. And at this point he tells Dumbledore his all -- the tale tumbles from his lips. It’s kind of a reflection of what he gives to Harry, but deeper.
Finally – ‘irredeemable’. I love that, because through Severus’s self-contempt, he doesn’t realise it, but he has redeemed himself for what he’s done wrong in the past. At least, that’s how I interpret it. Great poem, dear. xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the great review! :) Snape is one of my favourite characters to explore, and I found when writing this that poetry is actually a really good way to do that. I wouldn’t say he’s given up his facade completely, but he’s a different man, who’s endured much. he doesn’t realise it, but he has redeemed himself for what he’s done wrong in the past. Personally, I see the afterlife of Platform 9 and 3/4 as purgatory, and Severus hasn't yet redeemed himself. Regardless of the facts of what he's done, both good and bad, I think until Severus has forgiven himself he won't be redeemed and he won't be able to move on - to get on the train and face all the people who have already moved on, including Lily. Telling his story to Dumbledore is a way of him hopefully finding a way to move forward, eventually. (I also would like to possibly write a companion piece about whether or not Dumbledore is ever able to leave the Platform! :D ) Thank you so much for reviewing, it's great to hear that people have enjoyed reading this! :)
Nominated for a 2010 QSQ Award!
Ooh, what a beautiful poem! Primarily, you’ve told a sad story, but the way you’ve told it is the key. You’ve crafted the poem in such a way that the different components almost seem to bring the story itself to life. One of my favourite types of poems is that which are repetitive, though repetition can both lend and subtract, in my opinion. The repetition definitely lends in this case, I think. The reinforcement of As the boy crouched low and cried creates a solid image for the reader to refer back to. I also love poems that come full circle, and, in this case, the effect was particularly striking. The words you chose just spoke of unwavering respect to Dumbledore’s character, to me; this is an image that’s very fitting and true to what we see in the books. Yes, there’s a lot of respect there, and without that repetition of stanzas, I’m not sure I would’ve got that impression so strongly.
Of comfort and presence and warmth and love
I found this line a lot to get my tongue around. Maybe by replacing the second ‘and’ with a comma or ‘of’, the flow might be improved.
They broke the curse and they freed the sky
Honestly, nothing wrong with this line – in fact, it has a lovely rhythm -- it’s just that in the previous stanza you ended the same line number with this word. Since you don’t follow this pattern in any of the other stanzas, it seems like a bit of an irregularity, if you know what I mean. Maybe switching the word order slightly to something like ‘As they freed the sky by breaking the curse’, for example. :/ You could come up with something better, I’m sure, LOL.
Finally, I want to compliment you on your rhythm and enjambment. While reviewing this I’ve read it aloud several times -- and it sounds so natural; flows so smoothly. Fabulous poem – I very much enjoyed reading and reviewing it. :)
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. Thank you also for pointing some things out. I can see what you mean about that line being a little wordy and when I was writing it I noticed that too. I will keep your advice in mind. As for the other line, I tend to ignore most rules when writing poetry and this poem is quite structured compared to a lot of other things that I write. I didn't intend on repeating 'sky' but it just sort of happened. Hopefully it doesn't detract too much from the poem! But thanks for a thorough review and I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it!