- between the ages of 0 and 21.
- an American
- a girl
- married to Teddy Lupin
- afraid of commas
I am not:
- JK Rowling
- tired of Harry Potter
- a moose (or any other forest animal)
- divorcing any time soon
Check out my stories - if you dare :).
This story was intriguing, and I found myself trying to figure out the logic puzzle as I was reading (though needless to say I did not get it right). I liked this snippet from Half Blood Prince told from Hermione’s point of view, and I enjoyed the small references to canon events that showed the story was compliant with the novels. It really did feel like a scene from the series; that is, if the series had been told by Hermione’s point of view.
What stood out the most in this story was your characterization of Snape. I was thoroughly impressed by your ability to capture his way of speaking and word choice so accurately. Snape has always been a difficult character for me to write in fan fiction, as it seems to be with many authors. My favorite was the line from the beginning, when Hermione first enters the detention room:
"And why, Miss Granger, did you do that, when I have warned you time and time again to keep your abominably large mouth closed?"
Perhaps it was because this line was one of the first I read from Snape, but it made me smile. His words here reminded me so much of the first class Harry has with him, when Snape says that line about how he hopes the entire class isn’t comprised of ‘dunderheads.’ It’s that sort of shocking statement that is so Snape that I think you captured wonderfully in this piece. Great job on that front, it was mind-blowingly accurate.
I was worried at first that this story was going to be a Snape/Hermione pairing, but you’ve taken a really unique turn with this. I like the idea of Snape teaching Hermione something about her own narrow-mindedness (although one could argue that Snape suffers from the same character flaw). It’s always been one of my favorite Snape moments in Half Blood Prince when he manages to teach Harry something about dueling as he’s fleeing with Draco from the castle. I thought you did a great job of showing his not-so-malevolent intentions in how he (albeit rudely) shows Hermione what she needs to fix to be a better student.
Wonderful job with this story, Vorona! I really enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Dear Ariana, Thank you for the wonderful review! The duelling scene in Half Blood Prince is one of my favorite scenes as well, and probably one of the inspirations for this little scene. I'm also glad that you felt the story seemed like a real part of the novels: this is one of the times I've tried to do that. Many other times, I focus on trying to create something different, but this one I wanted to be very realistic. I'm also very flattered that you like my characterisation of Snape. It sometimes feels too easy to write him, like I have my own version of Snape. It's good to know he came across as authentic to you as well. Thanks again!
I love this fic SOOOO much!!! Please, please try to post the next chapter(s!) soon!! :) Again, great job with this...just started reading it after this chapter was posted (I've been looking for a good Marauder era fanfic)...and I love how you captured Sirius! He has always been my favorite character in the series :)
“What we have is something special.”
“I thought so too until you cheated on me.”
They were the golden couple. They did everything together. They were totally in love, everyone could see it. But life is turned around when another girl comes into the equation. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Written for jojo_dolphin2394’s Strictly Summarizing Class.
Perhaps what stood out the most for me in your story was the way you were able to pack so many emotions and feelings into each sentence. The emotions of Gwen and even Sirius were palpable, and felt so real. This was a wonderful story, but I felt like this was the driving force that really made this fic wonderful. My favorite line from the story was “Those lips had given her her first kiss. They were soft and warm and full of passion. They held desire and lust. They had promised her his love for her. They had told her he was hers. They had betrayed her” -- these simple lines describe so much in so few words. Brilliant and artfully done!
When starting to read this story, I was a little hesitant to read about Sirius/OC, simply because his OC girlfriends always seem to be Mary-Sues or have cliché qualities about them that seep into the entire relationship. What struck me most about Gwen is that we really don’t know too much about her. The more I read, the more I realized how much I liked this; by creating her generically, your story wasn’t absorbed in her descriptions and back-story. It became more about the feelings and aftermath of a ruined relationship, and I really thought it helped the story progress more instead of drifting its focus towards the character.
While I like Sirius’s excuse for cheating, in terms of how it doesn’t fall into the Love God cliché, it somehow didn’t make sense to me. He was going to tutor the girl, and then humor her by flirting back…but how was his fling with her actually going to hurt her? In the books, I’ve always seen Sirius as one of the most loyal characters, and it seems as though if he ever had a girlfriend he would put her above all else (except his friends). Maybe I’m just too protective of Sirius, because then again, I can see him being rash enough and idiotic enough to not realize that this would hurt Gwen as well.
I really liked this story, Mere! Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review, Ariana! That's one of my favourite lines as well. :) As for Sirius's cheating, well, yeah, I know it doesn't much sense. I was trying so hard to figure out a reason for him to cheat and that's the best I came up with. I kind of liked it the end, though, because I think it conveys a sense of confusion of what happened on Sirius's part and Gwen's and the point really isn't why he cheated, it's that he did cheat. Thanks again! <3Mere
Viktor had never known, until she came along. Henceforth, every breath that escaped his lips were for her, and her alone.Could he face her, eye to eye? Even the greatest of wizards crumble to pieces when faced by the overpowering force of love, and he was no exception. The challenge was tougher than catching the Golden Snitch or stealing a Chinese Fireball's egg.
Will he succeed, or crumble into pieces like so many others?Winner of the "I Challenge Thee" contest held in the MNFF Beta Boards in September 2008.
This was the first time I have ever read anything from Viktor Krum's perspective, and I must say you did a very good job with it. He is not a character we know much about, and you did a nice job of sticking to the canon information while giving him a flair of realism. I think Krum is an easy person to view as strong and stolidly, but I really felt that you humanized him in this piece, and made him more of a relatable character.
I thought it was sweet that you had him think Hermione's name phonetically ("Hermyown") but as I read on it didn't seem to make much sense. During the flashback, when the girl pronounces Hermione's name, it is spelled "Hermione" and since Krum is hearing it, it doesn't make too much sense for him to mispronounce it and think it in the way that he does. Perhaps he just has trouble pronouncing "Her-mi-one" but if that were the case, I don't think he would, in his mind, pronounce her name wrongly since it would be more of a speech-thing anyway. That was just a little thing that bothered me, though. It didn't take away too much from the story itself.
The thing that seemed just...*off* to me was Hermione's reaction to Viktor's proposal. Certainly, she is a very pragmatic girl and quite sensible, but I thought her reaction was a little cold, and with not much feeling. She uses a lot of awkward, official-sounding words and doesn't seem intimidated at all that a world-famous Quidditch player has just asked her to the Yule Ball. Though Hermione isn't very into Quidditch, she did go to the World Cup and I think she would definitely have some respect for Krum after seeing him perform like that. I don't think she went with Krum entirely to make Ron jealous, which is what it seems like when she says: "Since you are the first one to invite me, and I really haven't a clue on whom I might be going with, I guess I will accept." The one part of her reaction that seems realistic is the "deep blush" and her words don't seem to match that description. The words seem so detached, and it makes it look as though Hermione is reluctant to accept.
A minor nitpick is I think Krum was more jealous of the amount of time Hermione and Harry spent together. It is Harry whom he confronts in the Forest, not Ron. His jealousy is, I believe, founded on the basis that Harry is famous (as Krum is), a very good Quidditch player (as Krum is) and generally well-liked (which Krum is). Krum sees his own qualities in Harry, and is jealous because Hermione seems to acknowledge those qualities in Harry and not him. Krum sees Ron as the gangly side-kick, and not much of a threat. I don't think he's looked deeper into Hermione and Ron's constant fighting and he thinks they just don't get along well. I think it would have been more prudent to mention Krum's jealousy of Harry rather than of Ron.
What I loved about this story was the beautiful descriptions. Especially in the first paragraph, with the personification of the book and the description of Krum--I thought that was great! My favorite line, though, is just after Krum asks Hermione the question again: "The silence was palpable and sweat beads were appearing on his brow." Maybe it's just my fascination with the word "palpable," but that line was so powerful imagery-wise.
Great job with this story! As your first attempt at writing romance, you did a wonderful job. The romantic elements of this story were wonderful, and you did a great job bestowing romantic feelings on Krum while still keeping him in-character. Krum seemed as though he had a lot more life breathed into him, which was a good thing because it made him all the more realistic.
Trick or Treat!
3. She clicks on her mouse and swipes her wand;
Some stories go up, and some stories are gone.
Stories of her own? Why, she has plenty!
Fewer than one-hundred, but far more than twenty.
Wow! I was so surprised to see this chapter up so quickly !! :)) I love how you've written James/Sonia...usually authors write his relationships based on him trying to make Lily jealous, but it seems like he genuinely cares about Sonia.
Lily was really a pain in this chapter, but I'm glad she redeemed herself at the end. And Rich is growing evermore mysterious...hmm... :P
Seeing this chapter completely made my day, I'll have you know. This is my favorite Marauder-era fic ever!
Author's Response: Lily is a bit of a pain. She can't be perfect all the time. Glad you're warming to Sonia. She's not too ridiculous, is she? Rich ... a ha ... his time will come! Thank you so much for the reviews.
I love this fanfic so, so much!! :). Such a cliff-hanger at the end!!!!!!!! I hope the next chapter is posted Really SOON! :)
Author's Response: I'll get onto it straight away. Sorry, I've been updating other stuff, but the next chapter is half written in my head. ~Carole~
Great chapter!! I feel so bad for Peter, especially since we know what's inevitably going to happen with him...
The Sirius in this chapter totally made me laugh, I think you capture him PERFECTLY!
You do an amazing job with this story--it's my absolute favorite Marauder-era fic. I really can't wait for the next chapter...hopefully Peter doesn't walk in on James and Sonia and Sirius outflies McLaggan :)) .
Author's Response: Sirius out fly McLaggen! *shock*. Right, I can't say what will happen next, but it will be coming up very, very soon. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and enjoying. ~Carole~
Oooh, wonderful chapter! I love the subtle hints that James and Sonia's relationship might begin to fray the friendship between him and Peter -- or Peter and the rest of the Marauders. And let me tell you, it shows just how amazing of a writer you are when you have so many people (including me) who are really liking James and Sonia's romance.
This is my absolute favorite story in the Marauder category -- possibly in the entire realm of fan fiction. Update soon, please :) And good luck with your NaNo -- I would LOVE to read an OF novel by you in the future!
Author's Response: OOOOH, thank you! When I eventually get my OF finished, I shall proclaim it loudly on the boards - ha ha. I'm glad you like Sonia and James. I just don;t think it feasible that James would be pining after Lily for so many years. I think the boy needs a bit of fun.
Mmm, Peter is always there at the back of my mind - evil rat that he is. I will update when humanly possible basically because I love writing it. Thanks again ~Carole~
Yay! I was ridiculously excited when I saw Lions had been updated :).
I apologize in advance for the review, which will be short and fangirly and much less than you deserve, especially after this suspenseful chapter.
Lily is such a sweetheart - although her naivety about Richard is annoying, even though I'm sure I wouldn't be any different in her situation. But I love the way she sticks up for Peter with the Sonia thingâ€¦it's little bits of details like this that ring so resonantly with canon that I just love.
And Rich! Even though he wasn't in this chapter physically we learn so much. I'm glad James told Prewett (and his friends) but I have a feeling that the blasÃ© reaction from everyone except James is going to come back to haunt them. We shall seeâ€¦
That cliffhanger is just. I need an update. I love James. I hope Avery gets jinxed to a puce colored jelly.
Fantastic fantastic fantastic chapter and it makes me wonder how I've survived this long without reading the story. You write the Marauders flawlessly and brilliantly and a bunch of other '-ly' words that my brain is too awed (sorry, I know that's four letters short of the dreaded word) to think of.
Author's Response: thank youuuuuu. I agree Lily is a bit naive. I'm thinking that as she's 16 and very inexperienced with boyfriends, that she's due a crush - ha ha. Sonia on the other hand is far wiser in the ways of boys. heh heh.
There will be an update fairly soon as I have another chapter finished (hold onto your wig, though, it's jam packed!) Will Avery get jinxed to puce coloured jelly? Hmmmm, wait and see!
Thank you so much for the review. It's really appreciated and has helped clear up my mind a touch. ~Carole~
Poor James :( . I do like that Sonia was the one who saved them though, it makes me like her much more as a character (not that I didn't already like her before, but now it's a whole new level of respect).
The Quidditch match was so intense but I feel so bad that James wasn't able to kick Borgin's ar$e. Next timeâ€¦.
Also Professor P is a love and I want to hug him. I hope he's the one who 'recruits' James/Lily/Sirius/Remus/etc. to the Order :).
Fab fab story and fab fab chapter, and sorry this is such a crap crap review.
Author's Response: Thank youuuuu. Oh, this chapter was tough. I'm trying to hurry the story along a little because there are so many strands now, so I had to jam pack it full of action. Am very pleased it worked for you.
I suspect James will kick Borgins arse at some stage - Mwahahahahahahahah.
I'm getting a bit too fond of Sonia ... not sure how to split them up - perhaps I'll make this AU, and Harry will have her blue eyes. hmmmmmm . Thanks again ~Carole~
YAY A LIONS UPDATE! :).
I hate Rich and his 'little white lies'. I hope Lily catches him in one that isn't so little next time.
And Soniaâ€¦I hate that I know she and James have to break up eventually, which has never happened before because Lily/James is one of my favorite ships. I"m so glad her and James's relationship is in the open now, though I do feel bad for Peter :(. Poor guy always seems to get the short end of the stick.
Also, I love the idea you've come up with for Sirius to make money - it's totally original firstly, and secondly I love the 'friendship' clue at the end (you should write crosswords).
Author's Response: I could take this AU ... heh heh. Harry would have a blonde mother. Mind you, then Snape wouldn't have tried to bargain with Voldy and ... very AU. Um, yes, splitting up James and Sonia is probably going to be very hard ... but there is a plan ... of sorts. I do a lot of crosswords, and had some help from Jim, - hee hee. I'm not sure this plan of Sirius' will work, but he has a few more ideas. Thanks for the review ~Carole~
I think what I love most about this story so far is that it's impossible to hate Mary. I even smile at the scenes when she and Remus are together, just because I love the idea of them still having a 'spark' after so many years (plus, she's one of my favorite characters from Lions of Gryffindor).
Brilliant job with the latest chapter. Every time there's a new update, my day feels complete :).
Oh, and ps, I love the bit of Bill/Tonks you had going on there!
Author's Response: ha ha - glad the Bill/Tonks hasn't turned you off. I like Mary, too, but ... well, we know who he marries in the end. Thank you for the review, Arianna, it means a lot, and I'll try to update with some regularity. ~Carole~
After time, Goyle deals with Crabbe’s death.
I don’t think I’ve ever read a story from Goyle’s POV before, but I must say I think you did an absolutely fabulous job with it. The words and thoughts were simplistic, but that didn’t draw away from the powerful emotions Goyle felt. Your prose mirrored Goyle’s personality so well. Usually, I find that when stories are told from first person it leaves extra room for OOC-ness, but I didn’t see that at all with your story. It was clearly Goyle, but what I really liked is that you added some other aspects to him to make him a much more deep character. Details like his hidden feelings for Crabbe really made this an interesting read.
In the books, it is very difficult to differentiate between Crabbe and Goyle, as they are both seen as Malfoy’s sidekicks. That being said, what I loved about this story is you managed to show the disparity between them as well as link them together in their similarities in several instances. I loved this line: That’s how we were different. Torture, yes. Murder, no. I believed that we had to put them in their place, but I wasn’t ready to kill them. I believed in slavery; they could do all of the jobs that we pure-bloods don’t want to do. But Crabbe, he wanted them gone for good.” We really only see Crabbe’s burst of cruelty in the Room of Requirement in book seven, and I like how you were able to show that Goyle didn’t necessarily feel the same way.
I really like your subtle use of the Goyle/Crabbe ship in reference to Goyle’s immense grief. It wasn’t overplayed — Goyle didn’t suddenly turn into a sappy, love-struck mess — but in its own way it was sweet and true and believable, which is saying something considering the thought of Goyle/Crabbe would have made me sick before reading this. I love how you were able to portray the (possibly) one-sided romance through Goyle’s eyes; you showed brilliantly how Goyle would view romance, as opposed to another character in the Potter universe. It was a really interesting take, and it amazed me how you were still able to keep Goyle so in character.
Lastly, I love how you’ve shown Goyle’s progression into his own person. Crabbe’s death really did force him to confront the differences between them, and make him realize that he is not as vicious as his best friend. From his dying respect and friendship with Malfoy to his grudging acceptance that Muggleborns are being accepted by the rest of society, you’ve done a great job showing Goyle’s changes as he grows older while still maintaining his core character.
Very artfully written—and I think it worked well as a shorter piece.
You just lie there before me, before my canvas, while I immortalise your being - while I give your life purpose - through colour and shape. People are going to look back on this work and say, “She was important.” They will say that you had a life with meaning.
Is your life meaningful, my dear?
Here sits an artist. Before him, his subject. Where will this piece of art take them? And where have they been before? For in the future lies the past and in the past there lies no future. Follow them on their journey through time and paint, through canvas and passion.
An entry by the opaleye of Slytherin to the Lofty Learning One-Shot Challenges: The Science of Portraiture
Every time I read one of your stories, I always end up in the same position by the last word, with my eyes about two inches way from the screen and my mouth open -- they literally make my jaw drop (I should take a picture one day for you). This story was no different, and when I am done leaving this review I plan on adding this fic to my Favorites list. It is one of the most brilliant pieces I have read on this site.
The point of view is really interesting. Itâ€™s very different, but I think that you handled it extremely well. I read another entry to that challenge not too long ago, and if I remember correctly this monologue-type style was one of the requirements. It fits your story so well, though, that it would feel awkward reading this story from any other point of view (though Iâ€™m sure you could pull it off). It seems like such a one-sided conversation on Rodolphousâ€™s part at first, but since heâ€™s supposedly painting a portrait of Narcissa, everything normal. But once his questions get more persistent and he begs her to speak, her silence becomes eerie and ominous. I think it is actually because of this perspective that the story is able to unfold so carefully and beautifully to reveal the truth of Narcissa.
I donâ€™t think I can ever leave you a review without commenting on your knack for nailing your descriptions. Even in the very beginning with the description of the sea ( I remember the look on your face when you saw the pale blue sky meld into the navy ocean along the horizon; it was a smudge of melting wax.) you had me awestruck. I loved how Rodolphous would recount some of their shared memories in such detail, and then pick a certain color from that time and use it for the portrait. It was almost like he was painting a collection of memories and things that had been rather than Narcissa herself. And the memories themselves are an explosion of sensory details -- from the slippery green seaweeds to the scent of freesias to the cold touch of Narcissaâ€™s hands. These details werenâ€™t meaningless fluff, either -- they painted the scene in my mind so I was watching your story rather than reading, and each of these details added up to the final reveal.
And then the ending. What an ending! Iâ€™m incredibly slow at recognizing these twists, so I didnâ€™t realize what had happened until the third to last paragraph. I found these lines to be the most poignant of all: Why are you so stiff? Why is your skin cold to the touch? Why are your grey eyes now cold and indifferent, no longer the endless pits of desire they once were? Why are your lips a muted blue? -- they sent chills down my spine. I can see Rodolphous dressing up Narcissaâ€™s body and forgetting that sheâ€™s gone. Your writing is just mind-blowingly brilliant there -- subtle, yet so powerful. And then the rest of the details began to fall into place -- how Rodolphous asked if her life was meaningful, how instead of freesias he would smell a rusty scent instead, how the Ministry was fruitless in its efforts to find him until now. It was just so dark and beautiful at the same time.
I really enjoyed reading this story. I am always blown away by your extreme prowess as a writer, but I think this might be one of my favorites that you have written.
Author's Response: Wow Ariana, thank you so much! Sorry for not responding earlier but I was left rather speechless by this review :) This is one of my favourite fics that I've written because I still remember how much fun I had writing and planning it out, which may sound odd considering the macabre subject but oh well. You're right, the challenge was to write a monologue from the artist's perspective. I was immediately inspired as I had been reading a lot of Nikki/fg_weasley's work and I was intrigued by her Rodolphus and wanted to give him a twirl myself. It was an interesting POV to use so I'm glad you thought I used it effectively. It was quite hard giving hints but keeping the big reveal until the end while keeping up the tension. It's great to know I kept you on your toes until the end!
Gosh, I am such a fangirl of your own beautiful writing, Ariana, so this review means a lot. Thank you so much!
To some, the slow burn of a mystery - like the slow burn of an unexpected love, or an unsigned letter or political tensions - is a temptation thatâ€™s simply too irresistible to deny.
Lily feels the burn of a seventh year full of mysteries, and the need to know is too immense - sheâ€™s willing to go down in flames to know the truth.
(Chapters 1-21 now rewritten)
Please, please post the next chapter soon!
I'm loving this story by the way :). Izza is an amazing OC.
Author's Response: Thank you :D The new chapter is up, another is on the way :)
Author's Response: Thank you :D The new chapter is up, another is on the way :)
Wow wow wow! I love this story, even though it kind of puts a bittersweet turn on the Potters' wedding. But it made me way, way too curious as to exactly what went on with Ginny and Dean...if you ever feel like writing a fanfic about that, I wouldn't complain :)). I'm not a huge Ginny fan, so her probable betrayal was really interesting. I do hope you write more on that topic!
Anyways, great job, I think this one has a really good chance of winning.
Author's Response: Oh, thank you for the review. I might write a 'prequel' but I'm veering towards leaving it ambiguous. Now, I rather like Ginny but I do think that likeable people make mistakes as well as the Dracos of this world. Thanks again ~Carole~
I didn't mean for this to happen. Really. My plan was to get through sixth-year without doing any more damage to myself. I've already wrecked so many good things in my life. I thought I was done with my self-destruction.
Apparently, I'm not. Because falling in love with Albus was not part of my plan.
I like the premise of your story--it's very intriguing. You've made Maddy a character that's easy to be empathetic with, because she represents so much of what Muggle teens go through in high school.
Some parts of the story were a bit choppy, like when Maddy suddenly gives us a description of her appearance. Granted, it was nice to know what the main character looked like, but it wasn't incorporated into the story as subtly as it could have been.
It also seemed a little convenient that every other compartment was full. Why didn't Rose sit with her cousins? Surely they didn't all sit in one compartment without her? It was a bit reminiscent of the start of Harry and Ron's friendship--but Ron couldn't sit with his older brothers because they would have deemed it not "cool" (for lack of a better word) to sit with their younger brother. Harry and Ron were *both* needy; their friendship was born from their two-sided loneliness. Rose and Maddy's budding friendship seems a bit one-sided, considering Rose has all her cousins and probably the Ravenclaw friends she's made over the past years, and Maddy has no one (or at least, it's hinted as such with the apparent "fall-out" between her and her friends).
Maddy liking Albus seems a little sudden. We weren't even introduced to him until she sat at the Gryffindor table, where it's implied they are somewhat friendly, but perhaps not best friends. And then out of the blue, Maddy gets jealous that Charlotte is flirting with Albus, who apparently likes Charlotte. From your story summary, it was obvious that a Maddy/Albus was going to appear, but the foundation of their relationship is a mystery to me. There isn't any back-ground information as to how close they are, and this should have been established *before* it became apparent that Maddy has a crush on Albus.
Anyway, your story was a nice read, and I look forward to the upcoming chapters!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! You have given me a lot to consider. I agree with the description; I didn't work it in well and it wasn't subtle enough. However, the missing pieces, the mistakes in Maddy and Albus' relationship are there for a reason, and will be explained at a later chapter. As for the Rose and Maddy scene, I've written her in as a Ravenclaw to highlight the differences between her and her Gryffindor cousins. She feels like she doens't quite fit in with them, and therefore tries to forge her own friendships within Ravenclaw. As she is a shy person, she has trouble making friends and therefore she is somewhat of a loner. After a ten week hiatus, I'm back and ready to write more of this story as well as a few others of mine! Thanks again for the review, and I hope that you keep reading!
Great job with this story!! It made me laugh--I love the part especially where James gets upset at the suggestion that Padfoot sleep in Lily's room (: Really, really, REALLY well done, I love the idea that Petunia kind of looked up to her younger sister in a way, and didn't completely despise her. Also, great job with Vernon's mother, she was absolutely horrible ^.^ I never really liked Petunia much, but I like how you gave her hatred of magic some depth and didn't characterize her as a Miss-Prim-and-Proper--I like how you left that up to the Dursleys.
All in all, this story was wonderful! I'm wondering, though, if there's going to be mild Sirius/Petunia in Lions of Gryffindor? I think it's sweet that she has a thing for him, but I kind of like Sirius/Martha a lot, too...
Author's Response: Thank you very much. I'm glad you liked the bit about Sirius sharing Lily's room - that was my favourite bit too. Sirius/Petunia - hmm, not sure about that. I like Martha much better, too. I think Siriius is just a bit of a flirt, and was also being kind. Plus he had a nudge from Lily. Thanks again ~Carole~
But the worst has come. The worst is here. You know you aren’t ready. You aren’t even close to ready.
The Character Death tag is just implied, not actually during the fic.
Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Harry. Potter.
I really like the premise for your story. You did a wonderful job exploring the mind of Rufus Scrimgeor and the reasoning behind his behavior towards Harry. I always thought he was better than Fudge--but never really liked him much. I like how you humanized his bad characteristics and portrayed his insecurities. When I first clicked on the story, I wasn't sure I would like the second person POV from Rufus, but you did very well on that!
I wish this story had been a little longer, though. Most of it takes place within the moments before Rufus's death, and while it's very well done, a few scenes from other times in his life would have been a nice addition. This would have been a nice time to show snippets from his life, things that happened that shaped who he is. Length isn't too much of an issue, usually, but your writing is *very* good and it would have made the story even better if we as readers could have seen more of it.
Another tiny issue I had was the lack of dialogue. Again, this is not something that matters *too* much in stories, but especially in a story like this it would have been nice. The fic is mostly separated into large paragraphs, and while this doesn't necessarily bother *me*, it could bother other readers who are daunted by the lack of dialogue/shorter paragraphs. It would have also made the story a little longer, and readers could have seen a little more of the backdrop for the fic.
I love how you tied the title into the story; my favorite line is the one that refers to the title: "Maybe he can do what you could not—pick up the shattered pieces of your universe and carefully weld them back together, weld them into something that is reminiscent of what you used to know."
Great writing with this fic!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it so much. Originally this was going to be a drabble, so that's why it's so short. It might have been better longer, but I couldn't really think of anything else to write at the time. Looking back, I think that dialogue could have made it better, but I wasn't very confidant with my dialogue skills at the time. I'm not very confidant with them now either, I suppose. I'm glad you like the title thing-- I try to do that with everything I write. My titles are usually lines from the story or poem, or lines I plan to put in. I'm again, really glad you liked it, and super happy that you left such a nice long reveiw(thank you!). :D
The first two paragraphs of your story are my favorite. I love the way you paralleled Lily and James's opinions and thoughts of each other, using the rest of the story as the catalyst of their relationship. I really liked the line "...if he gave up now, then he would never have anything to do with her. So he would continue to ask her, and thrive off what little she gave in return;" I think you captured James's character wonderfully in that sentence. In those few words you justified his annoying persistence with his growing desperation that he would never have any sort of relationship with Lily. You also did a wonderful job hinting at Lily's relenting in the first paragraph (while describing her judgements of James)--I liked how you let little bits of her soft-spot for him seep through.
I did notice that some of the grammar and capitalization was off. For example, the sentence "Perhaps he would finally realised [...]" doesn't read well. Transfiguration and Quidditch should be capitalized, always. In James's speech to Lily, some of his words sound more American than British, even to my Americanized ears ("wanna", "sorta", etc.). I also think that the transition between the second and the third paragraph could have been a little smoother.
Lastly, I like your subtlety in the last two paragraphs with hinting at the death of Lily's parent(s). I think you did a very fine job expressing how she had come to rely on James, that he was now the one she turned to for comfort. I'm glad you didn't end it with a snog, but you still managed to show that their relationship had progressed from the friendship James had promised her. Throughout this entire story, you focused the mental chemistry between them instead of the physical, and you pulled it off very well. Great job!