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FinalCow [Contact]

Hi! I'm the publisher of the small firm Honey Buns and Sunshine. My co-author is modem-ly challenged making me the sole propritor of this. :)

Hey! I'm not modem-ly challenged! And since when are you the sole proprietor? Hi, everyone I'm the co-author. You can call me M. Ta-ta.

Excuse me, did I ask your humble opinion? NO! Go sit at your silly sad decrepit computer and...write. Yeah. By the way, y'all call me J.

except my silly, sad, decrpit laptop NEVER EVER breaks down, where as YOU are always having to deal with your comp. acting up. So there.

I beg your pardon? My beloved computer has never, ever had problems 'acting up' If there is a problem; it's from overprotectiveness from the parental units. So ha.

Anyway, 'bout me, I mean us...I mean, oh whatever. We live in the great state of Texas. Where life is a little brighter and the grass is a little greener. And the mosquitoes are killer

About our pen name. My friend is a little hard of hearing and swore her sister was screaming "Final Cow! Final Cow!" instead of "I need a Towel!" How you get one from the other is beyond me. To comemorate her first step into senility, we named our pen name such. ;-) Why did you capitalize 'towel'?

We write; if we're not writing, we're reading; if we're not reading, we're editing. If we're not editing it's because we're waiting for the computer to boot up. It's a vicious cycle.

So far we've written a 274 page self-published book, a million short stories and this sole fanfic.

I know what you're thinking, and yes I do have a life outside of this

I just have less homework than you do.

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Stories by FinalCow [1]
Favorite Authors [1]
Favorite Stories [4]
FinalCow's Favorites [5]
Reviews by FinalCow

The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.

WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.

RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 04/10/07 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6: I Sold My Soul on eBay

I have to say, this is one of my favorite stories I've seen. Poor Voldemort, never knew what hit him.
Though I have to ask, which is your favorite Power Ranger?

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I love your Voldy story, too. My favourite Power Ranger, is, surprisingly, the blue one, Billy, although I wanted to be Kimberley when I was little. (Here, I\'m referring to old-school Power Rangers, not the weird new version.)

Draco's Trick-or-Treat by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Three-year-old Draco goes trick-or-treating for the first time. His mother takes the opportunity to teach him some lessons and Malfoy family values that she believes will be important to her son later in life. This depiction of Draco is VASTLY different from the version of him that I write in "The Dark Lord's Blog."

Ridiculously short one-shot.

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 06/14/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One and Only!

Poor little kid. (I'd give her some candy) Great story.

Author's Response: Thank you!

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 06/14/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One and Only!

Poor little kid. (I'd give her some candy) Great story.

Author's Response: Double postage?

Draco, The Babysitter by mgle_teacher

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: After a potion goes awry, Draco finds himself as the newly appointed babysitter of one Hermione Granger, age: 4. As if that wasn't humiliating enough, his wand is confiscated by Potter and he is forced to do everything the dreaded Muggle way.

Note to my readers: This story has been on hiatus forever due to a variety of factors. I do hope to finish it some day, but don't hold your breath. Also, this is NOT a Dramione nor will I change it to be one. Lastly, I am in the process of rewriting this story so bear with me.
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 06/12/07 Title: Chapter 7: Muggles Do It Better

Poor Draco. I'd murder Potter in his bed too. I'll do it for him ;-)

Author's Response: Lol. No. No murders. >> XD Thanks for your review.

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 05/03/07 Title: Chapter 6: Dinner Mishaps

Great story! I love it.

Author's Response: Thanks! I love it too!

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 10/14/07 Title: Chapter 9: Tea Time with Meow

Nice :-)

Author's Response: Thanks

Third Time's the Charm by Ginny_W

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: After being setup on two disastrous first dates, Hermione reluctantly agrees to a third.
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 05/03/07 Title: Chapter 1: Third Time's the Charm

I love it! Your protrayal of Percy is beautiful. Or it would be if I didn't want punch his lights out. Go Snape!

How Ironic, Mr. Malfoy by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Lucius Malfoy is most infamous for being excessively proud of his ancestry and for his disdain for Muggle-borns. But what if he received a letter that changed everything? Takes place during OotP, and it's AU.

Contains snippets of humour.

For the "Dreams" challenge in the fanfiction beta boards... I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House.
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 05/20/07 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2: In Which Our Hero Is Terrorized By A Doorbell

Aw, poor Lucius. That's a rude awakening. I think Draco would take it even worse. Great story.

Author's Response: Yeah, Draco definitely would take it badly... I have a story about that coming out faaaairly soon, sort of a sequel to this one, but from Draco\'s point of view.

The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)

Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.

With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.

Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.

If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.

This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!

Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)

EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 04/12/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Not A Loyal Slave In The World

This is amazing. I really feel for poor Voldemort, especially with his Power ranger fixation. keep writing!

Author's Response: Awww, thanks! I love your story, too!

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 05/03/07 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2: Enter The OC. Dramatically.

Go Nagini!

Author's Response: I know, she\'s gotten very popular on here, hasn\'t she?

Oh No, Nott Again! by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Our boy Theodore Nott thinks he’s signed up for a position in the Department of Mysteries. Little does he know that he’s been roped into something a bit more… deathly.

Rollicking fun, dry commentary, suspense, and heavy doses of surrealism with the Grim Reaper and company, including a surprise guest at the end. Written for the Gauntlet challenge by Schmerg_The_Impaler of the grand house of Hufflepuff.

Technically a companion piece to “To Be Or Nott To Be,” but who’s counting? It also stands on its own just as well.

Looks like the judges got drunk again, because they were insane enough to give this story Second Place in the gauntlet. Somewhere, all the famous dead writers are rolling over in their graves, but I, for one, am feeling very squeeful at this undeserved reward! Thanks, judges!

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 06/02/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Amazing! I really like poor Nott. Great Job.

Author's Response: Thank you! I love Theo, too... but I put him through so much bad stuff, he really deserves a happy story.

For Want of a Better Word by spilledpotion

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Feeling the pangs of unrequited teenage love, a certain Gryffindor decides to try to send a love letter to someone special. Surprisingly enough, this story is actually not as predictable as it sounds. =)
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 06/12/07 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Aww! It's cute! Great Story!

Author's Response: Thanks!

Potter's Pentagon: The Five (Book One) by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: WARNING! This story contains a jingle-bell antler headband, a shower of potatoes, boy/girl mushiness, underwear karaoke, family trouble, an excessively adorable werewolf, death, the song "Werewolves of London," betrayal, and the word 'Jordan' five times in a row near the beginning of chapter seven.

Twenty-one years after Voldemort's defeat, five fourth-years are faced with a new threat. Will all of the five stay true to the light side? Will they all emerge whole in the end? Will Jordan Potter ever get a life? You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gasp, you'll sigh! Part one in a trilogy!

Well, after much deliberation and consideration, I've decided to submit my future-gen trilogy! This particular installment is three years old, so it's definitely different from my current writing style, but I'm quite fond of the characters.

DH is disregarded. It's a total coincidence that one of the main characters is named Ted Lupin.

Starring Quicksilver Quills 2008 Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, and Emma Weasley, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin!

Five times nominated (once for each member of Potter's Pentagon!) for the Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards, and nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards...

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 10/09/07 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter 10: In Which Our Heroes Are Called Just That

I like all of your characters, but I think Jordan is my favorite, because he's very distinct and unusual, definetly not a cookie-cutter. Hayley might be my least favorite, but that's just because continually cheerful people annoy me :)

Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much! This is a massive compliment coming from you, because I really love your writing. I have to admit that I am a continually cheerful person, though... in any case, you might like Haley a little more in later installments-- she matures more as she gets older!

A Quest For Ice Cream by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Ever wondered why Florean Fortescue was taken by the Death Eaters?

Lord Voldemort is on the quest to find the best, evilest flavour of ice cream, and he will stop at nothing to get it.

This is a very short, very silly and quite OOC little one-shot written as consolation for the fact that "E-Journal" is on hiatus. It's based on a prompt given to me by the ridiculously talented Inigoenigma.

Nominated for Best Humour fic in the Quicksilver Quills awards!
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 07/10/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One and Only!

HaHa! I loved that story, although the Vermonty Python bit is slightly over my head. I have to admit that I do not eat Ben&Jerry's ice cream.
I especially love the disagreement over what makes ice cream truly evil. It's just the sort of thing you can almost imagine Voldemort doing...

Author's Response: *Gasps at the un-Ben&Jerry\'s-ness of your life* How sad! This is so weird, but I kind of imagine Voldemort\'s lines being spoken in Yzma\'s voice (Emperor\'s New Groove*) when I write them.

Teddy by dumbledorefluertwins

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: It's Teddy Lupin's first year at Hogwarts. As an orphan, he has bounced backwards and forwards between his grandmother and his godfather. Follow him on a journey where he discovers the values of friendship, family and love, along with fighting the prejudices against his father, and getting through Defense Against the Dark Arts, with a teacher who just seems to hate him for no reason...

*DH spoilers, obviously*

NOTE: I am sorry, but I have left this site, due to lack of time and personal issues concerning RL and the site. This story is discontinued here, but may well be posted elsewhere in the future.
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 12/19/07 Title: Chapter 5: Professor Dermot

Wow, this Dermot guy is a pain, but I suppose it wouldn't be Hogwarts if there wasn't at least one insufferable teacher hanging around. Great chapter, the bits about teddy's friends were especially funny/interesting!

Author's Response: Lol, true, but there\'s more to Dermot than meets the eye. ;)

Inbred by Sirenny

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: It is a well known fact that all the Pureblooded families are inbred, but it is not until the issue of marriage arises that Draco realises just how out of hand the problem has truly become.
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 02/20/08 Title: Chapter 6: Nettus Narrosium

oh, god, i LOVE the blaise thing. It's so sad, but so true. Anyways, this chapter was hilarious as always, and i hope you update again soon!

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 10/13/07 Title: Chapter 2: Mudblood Studies

Hysterical. Poor Draco. He's so... unprepared to woo a girl the Muggle way.

Author's Response: Thank you, and I think unprepared is an understatement. That he is also horrified at the prospect probably doesn\'t help either =)

Dursleys, Meet The Wizarding World by Ghoul In Pajamas

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The Dursleys have left Privet Drive and are in hiding with Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle. Hestia and Mr. Dursley are constantly fighting, Petunia is avoiding the wizards at all costs, and Dedalus is trying to make them all the best of friends. Meanwhile, Dudley discovers he has an interest in Harry's world, but his parents are less than pleased when they find out.
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 10/18/07 Title: Chapter 2: Rice Krispies and Comic Strips

I really like this comic, it's funny, but not in the mindless way that you see a lot of in the humor section. Also, I just love fics that feature the Dursleys. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thanks!

Lord Voldemort: The Musical! (Les Miserables Potterized!) by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Yet another musical twisted by yours truly, it's the tale of Voldemort's life set to the tune of my Les Miserables soundtrack!

The real musical of Les Miserables was created by Claude-Michel Schönberg, Herbert Kretzmer, and Alain Boublil.

There is some violence and it really is not a silly musical-- there are a few funny parts, but there are some pretty sad or intense bits. AND LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE. And there are some cannibalism-happy bits with Fenrir, including a whole song called "Man Eat Man." Beware.

Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 10/22/07 Title: Chapter 1: Songs From Act One

Oh my god, this incredibly good. Of course, I love les mis, but this...this is just something else. I nearly died while reading "Heir of Slytherin", particularly. I hope you do another of these soon.

Author's Response: Thank you! It\'s so cool to see that people on this site like Les Mis. I was worried that not very many people did. \"Heir of Slytherin\" was my favourite of my Act One spoofs. ^_^

Potter's Pentagon: The Truth (Book Two) by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: This is book two in the "Potter's Pentagon" trilogy. Read "Potter's Pentagon: The Five" first, myesss? Cool.

WARNING: This story contains French people, an internal monologue about a blue orange, adolescent facial hair, good old-fashioned snogging, superstitious truck drivers, a portrait who calls everyone "Mavis," a zoo break-in, some very strange clothes, romantic conflict galore, and Ron Weasley's caffeine addiction. And worst of all, Professor Zabini!

Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, and when one of the members of Potter's Pentagon is selected to represent the school, much excitement ensues. Simultaneously, elections are being held for Minister of Magic, and things are getting busy at the Ministry.

Not to mention the fact that Jordan's made a new Muggle friend without informing her of the itty-bitty fact that he's magical, Haley has found an enchanted diary of dubious origin, Ted's met a werewolf from Beauxbatons, and Emma... well, Emma's not having a good year.

And what exactly is Ivy up to, anyway?

Everyone has secrets. But in the end, the truth will have to come out.

Starring Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character Nominees Ivy Potter, Emma Weasley, Haley Potter, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards!
Reviewer: FinalCow Signed
Date: 12/08/07 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4: In Which Ted Continues To Be Adorable

I like Arden. She seems like such a very realistic werewolf. I mean, if I was a werewolf, I'd probably be as freaked out as her...
Haley's diary is starting to scare me just by being so normal and nonscary. Nothing that innocuous can be good news. Great chappie, as always, with mucho plot and character development, yay!

Author's Response: Thanks! I\'m bit relieved you like Arden. I always thought she seemed a little bit too... I don\'t know, like a character from a story instead of a person... so yeah. I just am so tired of reading about angsty werewolves on fanfiction (That\'s why I invented Ted!) that it was hard for me to write about one.