Hey, Narwen! I decided to come by and check out your story. Wow, you have a TON of reviews...I wished Draco/Ginny stories got this much attention. :(
Anyways, I promise to come back and read the rest! :)
Author's Response: Hey, thanks for coming! I understand how difficult it can be to get reviews. I have a one-shot in the humor section that doesn't get as much attention as this one. Please, come back and review more! I'll do the same for you!
I liked how you had Rita cut Harry off, to show that she doesn't really listen to him.
Overall, your characters were hilarious. :) The only thing I would change would be to make McGonagall not say "Tosh." It doesn't sound like her - it makes her sound like an old aristocratic male complaining about politics or something.
You ended this chapter quite spectacularly, explaining Severus' particularly sharp temper and also enthralling the reader and forcing them to read the next chapter in the same blow. Two birds with one stone, eh? ;)
Anyway, I rather thought this chapter was interesting. Your inclusion of the minor characters of Hannah and Anthony was lovely. It indirectly characterized Snape and provided some spice to the story.
I did feel as though your Pince was mischaracterized; I see her as a person who only feels at home in the library. Yes, she hates noise and interference, but I don't think she'd resent having to keep the library open on the weekend for a quiet student who didn't disrespect her books.
In regards to Hermione herself, overall I bought your characterization of her. I think the part about Animagi was rather poorly explained; I would have appreciated understanding her motivation for trying to be an Animagi. Was she trying to get McGonagall to tutor her in preparation for the NEWTs--what was her motivation there? Hermione does not seem the type to do things without a purpose; even in her learning, she is very specific (she avoids Divination, for example).
Your description is beautiful. Particularly drawing is your three line depiction of Lily at the end of the chapter. I can't wait to see more of this Lily; I imagine she's quite different from the real character because she's only a portrait--but this is still highly intriguing.
Nice job opening up your story in this chapter! Keep up the hard work--your use of a portrait is pretty unique as a plot device and that makes your story a must-read. :)
I could clearly see the structure and the rhyme of the Raven. I thought this was slightly funny, actually. I kept imagining the dark mood and scenery in the Raven, and then putting in the HP elements...it made for some amusing pictures.
I take it from this poem that Harry AND Ron loved Hermione? I mean, Poe supposedly wrote this about "Eleanor" the girl he loved, so...does this kind of, sort of ship Harry/Hermione? (Yes, I'm an obsesso shipper, haha)
Anyway, I loved how you managed to keep the rhyme and rhythm but also replace words within the poem.
Totally HP, totally Poe. Hard thing to pull off. I applaud you. :)
Ack. I just read the whole story in one sitting. And I have two final exams tomorrow. *headdesk* You're good, incredibly good, to make a nerd like me forego my grades for a story. *pokes* Get to that wedding night soon, my dear!
Author's Response: As a fellow nerd, I truly take that as an amazing compliment :-)
Thank you so much for reading - I always get excited to know that new people are finding my story, and instead of being daunted by the length, and the fact that it\'s now at chapter twelve, dive right in instead.
This was hilarious. I liked your interpretation of Nagini. She manages to be wicked, but still hate Voldemort - which makes me like her. She's dlelightful!
I liked that she didn't know what "poison" was, and that she left different "presents" for people she didn't like. That made me laugh.
Your formatting seems a bit strange though, and I would definitely have someone look this over for errors. You had tiny little errors every so often.
The Voldemort singing Macho Man was a bit over-the-top. That was more cheesy than funny. The part that made me laugh there was the burning eyes reference. But I would have Voldemort doing something more mundane like coming out of the shower or something.
Nice work, dear.
Author's Response: The formatting was supposed to be in a diary-like format. But unless you mean the spacing itself, I\'ll have to look it over. The errors - this was submitted before I found my PI Beta. Everything after chapter 2 was looked over by her. Maybe if she\'s not too busy, I can get her to look over this chapter. Glad you liked the stroy, though! :-)
I love the last line. I really do. Redemption (even a bit) is lovely. I'm STILL not sure if he deserves it, however.
I really like your characterization of Clearwater - I'm really starting to like her. She's very Hufflepuff - practical, trusting, kind.
I can't wait to see why Sarah dislikes the Ministry. I hate how Theodore can lie, even to her. But he's protecting her innocence in a way as well...
The jury's out on Nott. He may be saved yet. But I'm in love with Clearwater and Sarah - they could be my favorite characters in this thing. :)
Author's Response: I\'m very interested in the way you see Nott - he\'s a character that speaks through me, rather than being written. I\'m really only telling this story, not making it up. But Nott is... well, I think he\'s a good person. I love him.
"The magic will take you back." Has he charmed his diary like Tom Riddle did with a Horcrux? This line made me double take.
I love the idea of uncontrolled magic. However, it raises a technical question. How can he attend Hogwarts, then? I hope you'll answer this in later chapters...
Is Clearwater the surname for Penelope, Percy's girlfriend, perhaps?
I love the mystery you've put in this chapter. It truly pulls the reader to the next part.
I also like the character you've created. He reminds me of the main character from Catcher in the Rye - delightfully, terribly cynical. Utterly losing control.
Theodore, though...I would like to see some strengths. He calls himself weak. But what is there that makes him strong?
Now, for the nitpicks.
I think you meant breathe, love. ;)
But at least the spiders are safe now. I moved them.
And I fall asleepÖ
First of all, the spiders took me by surprise. I had to think for a moment to recall them. Itís a jarring transition. And the second line ďfall asleepĒÖitís boring. Itís a transition, but itís starkly non-imagery inspiring, unlike all the lines around it.
Tons of love,
Author's Response: He has charmed the diary. More about that will be explained at the end of the story, assuming I ever get that far. His magic is out of control because of his emotional turmoil. He regains control before Hogwarts starts up again, and didn\'t have a control problem until his mother was killed. I\'ll keep an eye on the transitions.
Wow. This chapter was powerful. A few of the mysteries were cleared up. I would like to see the time when his uncontrollable magic begins (before his Mum died).
I'm a bit shocked that he's as concerned with the smell as he is. He's so torn up inside with pain, that I'm surprised he cares.
However, the numbers like 27 bowls, 9 days - that creates a character habit that I hope you'll hold on to. It's also something we tend to do in times of pain. Reduce our focus to small things. :)
My ceiling. Here you pull back a theme from the first chapter, and show something new. This, believe it or not, struck me as one of the most powerful lines in this chapter. Strange how small things make a huge difference in mood and tone.
To end: I liked the "She works for them" section. This casts a lot of light on why Nott is so cynical and untrusting.
Great work, Mask. This was better than the first, and the first chapter was already very good. :)
Author's Response: Thank you! I can\'t remember exactly where the jump starts, but I wrote the first chapter before HBP, took the summer off, and came back to write the rest. I hope the quality continues to improve. The smell bothers him because it\'s something to focus on that can be improved.
Oh my God. *pardon my French* This absolutely destroyed Nott for me. The picture I was forming of him did not include him becoming a killer.
I could understand if his uncontrolled magic reached out and killed the Healer. But I couldn't see this cold, cynical, young man killing. *shudders*
Hate twists people. Now, that I'm done ranting about Theodore, I must move on. Let me see...
First of all, your imagery really is your signature. The dragon, the blood hazing...it's all wonderfully worded.
Second, I am not quite sure how I feel about this new character - the whimpering girl. I don't know if I like her or not. Regardless of whether she is a minor character, I would think someone older and in an orphanage (undoubtedly a tough place) would be a bit stronger. I would love for this girl to be younger. Just a random little thing I picked up on.
Finally, the self-hatred. Again, strongly reminiscent of Catcher in the Rye
I just can't believe the character I'm seeing as Theodore would be able to kill. His thoughts show no sign of irrationality; he's utterly calm. I just can't see this OC doing that...
*sigh* Definitely intriguing. Definitely intense. But a killer? *is torn* He is your character, after all. If you say he can do it, he must be able to.
*shrugs* Hopefully, I'll be able to come to terms with this after another chapter or two. :)
But there's no doubt the writing was lovely.
Author's Response: It keeps logging me out! I\'m glad the imagry worked for you, even though the story got unexpectedly dark. This is the darkest point in the story, I think. Flashbacks excluded. Please keep in mind that Nott\'s father is a Death Eater, and that something horrible has happened to his mother. He can think of no authority to turn to to deal with the problem, and he knows it will continue. So he strikes out for revenge and justice. I think you\'ll see that my good guys are never that good, and my bad guys usually have motived that they think are good. Honestly, I think the puppy in Freedom had more right to live than the Healer, though...and Nott agrees. Clearwater panics a bit. The older girl talks. All the whimpering and crying is done by children between the ages of two and five. Maybe I need to clear that up? Thank you for the review :)
You do realize you have a few days more before DH? *pokes to do another chapter* And this thoroughly fixed Nott for me, by the way. The making birds scene, the new understanding between him and Clearwater -- both of those moments just made him shine in my eyes.
I've come to realize - with your help, of course - that Nott cares about a few people but entirely and totally. Sarah is one, I think. I'm still hoping for that romance if he lefts ou write it! :)
I suppose he had to get happier at some point, but I am missing the self-hating, acerbic boy from Chapter 1 a bit. I hope you bring the darkness back into the story -- we see it a bit when he's bitter (I'm allowed out now) and again with the the tears (someday, they'll stop)...but I want to see the grief resolved and the only way to do that is to bring the darkness back for a while. Perhaps Sarah can help him?
So guh, this chapter was awesome. I love Nott. I love you. Darling Mask, you are the writer I dream to be and the beta I could never do without.
Hmm. Yet another facet of Nott revealed. He knows his own proclivity for mental breakdowns. Iím not strong enough to handle her impending meltdown.
This chapter wasn't as...dramatic or intriguing as the last few. It seemed sort of filler-like. There were a few things I'd like to point out.
I really like how Nott says he's weak over and over, but he ends up being stronger than Clearwater.
I'm confused as to why Percy is treated coldly by Clearwater, who would be his girlfriend, at this point.
I'm beginning to form an odd sort of love for Sarah Grey. She reminds me of Luna Lovegood. Luna would have been good for Theodore, I think. :)
Author's Response: It hates me! It logged me out again. This chapter was intended to be a bit of a breather. They\'re waiting, catching their breath, and it\'s holding Nott at the right level of tension to show his stronger side. The story couldn\'t run on as it has been the last few chapters. Percy and Clearwater dated between CoS and PoA - I don\'t believe we hear from them after. This is set two years later - they\'ve left school, and Percy is working for the Ministry. A lot of things could have happened. I\'m glad you like Sarah - she\'s my favorite OC. And she is much better for Nott than Luna, in her way. But... you\'ll see.
This was hilarious. Your characterization of Tonks was really nice. I liked the streaks of humor and insecurity throughout the piece. Your OC is well developed. Overall, I like your accurate portrayal of Tonks. You included everything - her Metamorphagus talents, her insecurity, her clumsiness, her brightness of character. :)
Author's Response: Thank you!
Unique interpretation of the song - though it's appropriate, considering Kelly Clarkson was in a wedding dress for that music video. :p
I liked your connection to the song; the verses flowed with the prose. This seemed a bit fluffy (angsty, but fluffy, too) and that's not really my cup of tea, but this was good.
**First Review for Complete DADA Assignments
I'm not sure if the Cheering Charm would be strong enough to make him want to wear a leotard in Gryffindor colors. How about a charm that's like a weakened Imperius - so that he'll be more likely to do it once Hermione tells him to (not total control like the Imperius, the subject still has some free will).
Any OOC Snape issues were due to the effects of the potion, so that wasn't a big deal. What I thought was more of an issue was that Hermione wouldn't do pranks on Professors ever! She's just not that type of girl.
I could see Ginny doing it, or even Ron or Harry, but not Hermione. Still,t his was really really funny! :)
Funny, but he had never thought of using the Invisibility Cloak in his schemes to woo Ginny.
Aww. I think Ren (GreyLady) hit the nail on the head when she mentioned that there is very little plot in this one-shot. However, I feel like the vivid characterization and description make up for that. You've got a GREAT handle on Harry/Ginny and a pretty decent handle on Ron/Hermione as well.
There are a few nitpicks I would like to make. I felt like your Harry was a little too bold. We've seen Harry with girls before and he's AWKWARD. I mean, with Ginny, he's obviously going to be a bit more comfortable but...He wouldn't lick the treacle tart off her finger. Though she might feed it to him...*giggles*
In addition, Harry's loss of self-restraint when Malfoy insults Ginny is a good way to express how much he cares for her because Harry normally DOESN'T lose his temper. But the insult to Pansy was a bit low, and I don't think Harry would go there. He's not the type to bring people who aren't in the conflict into the conflict. ;) And as a rule, I've never seen him insult a girl, attractive or not. (Well, possibly Umbridge, but she doesn't count *smirk*).
Amusing story, good writing, enjoyable read. Yes, there was very little plot and a few nitpicks, but I liked it all the same. Good job!
This is interesting. I like the way you incorporated the Imperius into the way Romilda was acting in the sixth book. You're very accurate within canon.
I have a few bones to pick, however. The first: I would have liked to see more of a narration about how Romilda gave into the curse. Remember in the fifth book when JKR described Harry fighting the curse? I imagine, Romilda, a strong-willed girl, would do the same thing. :)
I also have strong feelings about Romilda casting the Imperius while under the Imperius herself. The will to conduct any Unforgivable has to come from within. Romilda, if being forced to do it, wouldn't have that will, so I don't think she'd be able to Imperius Ginny.
Finally, I can't see Ginny submitting to stabbing the boy she loves. I'd expect to see her hesitate, or fight or do something.
To finish, I don't see how the Imperius could stop working because of a head injury. I mean, people were supposedly under the Imperius for YEARS at a time during the First War, and I'm assuming that at least one or two of them got a head injury during that period. So...I don't think a head injury would make Romilda break free of the curse.
I liked your characterization of Romilda. It really was this chapter's crowning moment. A few technicalities in regards to the use of Imperius - which is all very shady to begin with - but overall, very nice piece!
I enjoyed it! The last line was particularly haunting. It made me think of the Imperius victims from the first war that must have lost years of memories to a single voice in their head. *shudders*
Wow! Charlie's getting married! I like the bit about the dragon skin, and the curious effects it had on Lauren. I also loved seeing Charlie work with the dragons. I thought it was ironic how he couldn't react in time to save his brother, and yet he kept his head when treating the dragon. How tragic. *sigh*
I have a few issues, though. I feel like this romance progressed a bit too quickly because it seems like we go from Lauren's dragon-riding story, to the twin's party, to a marriage proposal very suddenly! :)
Also, the proposal itself is a bit blasť. They don't consider Lauren's aging problem and how it would affect the marriage, and I would think a couple would have a serious talk about all of their issues (including this) before the proposal, not after. ;)
Nice story! I enjoyed the dragon-work. The romance could be slowed down a bit, in my opnion, but very nice story overall!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I\'m hoping to expand this story someday. I\'ll definately consider your ideas when I do.
This was hauntingly beautiful. I love Bella stories. Your language use is beautiful...except for one instance.
It is beyond ecstasy, and as he begins to fight back I feel the tension growing, my lust and his hate merging into one and hitting us both with the force of a train.
The train reference is a Muggle reference that to me is not appropriate when Bella is such a fervent pureblood maniac. It also jars the flowy poetry of the sentence. I would use some other more Bella-like simile there.
I don't know if schizophrenia (suspicion of others, paranoia are among the symptoms) is what results from the use of Cruciatus, though. In canon, Neville's parents were Crucio'd and they remained feeble and mute - memory loss as well.
So though the idea of a broken mind and the addiction to the power is great, schizoprenia is not the resulting disease in canon.
However, that makes me question whether you're really talking about the victims...are you talking about Bella herself? I think you are - and that makes this piece even more beautiful in its complexity.
I would add a line at the end to clarify, though. For example:
His body is not dead, but his mind is on the wrong side of reality. Schizophrenia the muggles call it. Filthy mudbloods wouldn't recognize the delicacy of the broken mind.
I revel in its power.
That makes it clear that Bella is the one inflicted with schizophrenia and also shows her contempt for muggles.
It also takes care of the confusion I got when I read that she knew what Muggles called the disease? Why would she care? Only if she could show contempt for it, would she remember something about Muggles. The lines I added to the ending make that aberration (Bella knowing Muggle things) make sense too.
Author's Response: Trains are used in the wizarding world too...Hogwarts express! ^_^ *justifies self* Now the schizophrenia thing...well, there are multiple levels to the fic. You happen to have stumbled on one. But I don\'t want to make anything obvious: Thus the lack of clarification. ^^ She cares that muggles call the disease something because, even though she is a pureblood witch, it seems to mean something more to her that the muggles have given a name to what the curse can induce (schizophrenia in it\'s later stages has a similar effect...I suppose I warped the book description a tinsy tiny bit...>.>) Thanks for the review, and I\'m glad you liked it.
Why does Ginny always have to be the one to get in trouble? *sigh* Well, I could see Dumbledore sacrificing himself to save Ginny, so that works.
But I'm worried about a few spots in this story. The note from Dumbledore needs lines between the paragraphs.
I can't see Ron whining about cleaning his room at his age. >.> Ron is very stubborn and somewhat thick, but he is not a whiner.
The mystery about Loki keeps growing. I'm intrigued.