Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Website: schmergo.tumblr.com
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Bio:
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.

A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS

Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!

ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!

TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!

EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Summary: A companion piece to the Potter's Pentagon trilogy... it's better if you've read the Potter's Pentagon trilogy, but you don't necessarily have to.

It's five years after Emma Weasley and her chums graduated from Hogwarts. Ted and Ivy are married, Haley is working at Madame Puddifoot's while trying desperately to break into show business, Jordan's doing whatever it is he does, and Emma is an Auror trainee working as a guard at the Chudley Cannons' stadium. The Cannons have actually been doing much better lately, due to their new star Beater, Tyrone Thomas. Unfortunately, Tyrone is Emma's ex-boyfriend. OH, THE AWKWARDNESS.

Follow Emma through her awkward adventures told in her usual insane way, as she experiences angst, hilarity, obnoxiously strange people, misadventures involving a deceptively dashing cad, Haley's wedding, the birth of Ted and Ivy's baby, and her own eventual descent into LURRRVE.

Written for the marvellous Vindictus Viridian's Pride and Prejudice NEWTs class on the Fanfiction Beta Boards, based on Jane Austen's fantastic novel, "Pride and Prejudice.".

Nominated in the 2008 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Non-Canon Romance Story! And its lovely (haha) heroine, Emma Weasley, received two nominations for Best Female Original Character, while Haley Potter and Ivy Potter each received one! Thanks so much, guys!

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 122124 Chapters: 17 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/30/08 Updated: 06/04/11


Summary: The final installment in the Potter’s Pentagon Trilogy. Read “The Five” and “The Truth” first, myess? Okay!

WARNING! Contains Muggle adventures in Diagon Alley, unusual eyebrows, cheesy clichs galore, psycho Ted, the not-so-lost years of Merlin, a school-wide singalong, the old potato joke, Tyrone’s Princess Bride obsession, Emma’s stubborn denial of the existence of Tyrone’s mustache, a graphic death, a joke shop product as a major plot device, hobo Jordan, Jordan hugging, Jordan pulling pranks, time travel, the Love Shack, angst, and worst of all, Professor Zabini.

It’s the sixth year for Potter’s Pentagon and company, and our heroes learn that in the wizarding world, coming of age has a somewhat weightier significance. Students are busy with an Inter-House Unity Project, Jordan is having weird dreams, Pansy and Ophidias Malfoy have been released from Azkaban, Professor Zabini has a mysterious project of his own, and almost everyone is acting strangely. Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, a man with a vendetta against Ron Weasley is trying his hardest to get him in the biggest trouble possible. Is the only way to save him to travel into the past?

New talents are discovered, new friendships form and old ones change, pasts are dredged up, and, of course, there’s lots of good old-fashioned snogging. And one of the five kills for the first time… while another becomes a casualty of war.

Starring 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, Emma Weasley, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Post-Hogwarts Story.

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 183223 Chapters: 28 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/09/08 Updated: 03/15/10


Summary: It's Legally Blonde the Musical, parodied to be a musical version of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban! Just one of many silly musical parodies I've uploaded to this site. This is my twist on the music and lyrics of Laurence O'Keefe and Nell Benjamin. Oh, just a heads up, there's a tiny bit of Lupin/Lily referenced in here. Other than that, it's pretty canonical.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6587 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
Published:
02/12/10 Updated: 02/16/10


Summary: Yet another ridiculous Harry Potter musical spoof by yours truly, this one is set during Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, to the tune of Alan Menken, Howard Ashman, and Tim Rice's brilliant musical, Beauty and the Beast!

If you like this, go to my profile and read some of my other parodies, of West Side Story, Wicked, Sweeney Todd, High School Musical, Les Miserables, and Phantom of the Opera!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 5574 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
06/19/09 Updated: 07/06/09


Summary: It's been far too long since I posted a new musical spoof! This one is a collection of vignettes featuring Voldemort and the other bad guys in the style of "Dark Lord Voldy's Shattered Soul Club Band."

The songs are all parodies of songs from Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim's excellent musical, West Side Story. Someone-- and I'm so sorry, but I can't remember who-- requested I do this a loooong time ago, so thank you for suggesting it!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3451 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/24/09 Updated: 06/01/09


Summary: It's that time of year. Time for an untimely winter ball, and Emma Weasley is not thrilled about Tyrone Thomas' relentless pursuit if her. But will his terrible singing and creepy stalker-ish antics woo her at last? And what the heck is Jordan Potter up to? DH is very disregarded. No Albus Severuses here.

I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House, and this is my submission to the Winter Snows thingy, in the "Melting a Winter Heart" category.

Categories: Melting a Winter Heart Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 8187 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/21/08 Updated: 12/23/08


Nott On Your Life by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: Theodore Nott has had quite his share of adventures, thank you very much. Bravery has never been a Slytherin value. But when he stumbles across a corpse, Theo begins an adventure that includes carnivorous plants, bizarre food items, a disturbingly amorous butcher, lots of blood and gore, plot twists galore, the rhyme I just made, and a little bit of the Grim Reaper thrown in just to spice things up.

I suggest you read at least one of the previous Theo Nott stories ("To Be Or Nott To Be" and "Oh No, Nott Again!") so that this will make more sense to you, but if you don't, that's your funeral. Oh, ha, ha, aren't I just chock-full of puns today?

I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House, and this is my submission to Gauntlet Number Seven!

Categories: Mystery Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 12138 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
11/21/08 Updated: 12/08/08


Summary: It is a blustery day in Hogsmeade, and Arthur and Bill Weasley are minding their own business. That is, until they each receive letters instructing them to mind each other's business in a most intrusive and rather final sort of way.

But this is not just about Arthur and Bill. They happen to be a small part of a much bigger, much more ambitious scheme that they know nothing about, run by a frighteningly powerful organization. What exactly is going on, and what exactly will Arthur and Bill do?

Written as an entry for the Gauntlet, by Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff house (most of the Bill bits) and Neville's Girl of Slytherin house (most of the Arthur bits). Probably the strangest thing either of us has ever written.

Categories: Alternate Universe Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 8496 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/30/08 Updated: 07/02/08


Summary: This is book two in the "Potter's Pentagon" trilogy. Read "Potter's Pentagon: The Five" first, myesss? Cool.

WARNING: This story contains French people, an internal monologue about a blue orange, adolescent facial hair, good old-fashioned snogging, superstitious truck drivers, a portrait who calls everyone "Mavis," a zoo break-in, some very strange clothes, romantic conflict galore, and Ron Weasley's caffeine addiction. And worst of all, Professor Zabini!

Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, and when one of the members of Potter's Pentagon is selected to represent the school, much excitement ensues. Simultaneously, elections are being held for Minister of Magic, and things are getting busy at the Ministry.

Not to mention the fact that Jordan's made a new Muggle friend without informing her of the itty-bitty fact that he's magical, Haley has found an enchanted diary of dubious origin, Ted's met a werewolf from Beauxbatons, and Emma... well, Emma's not having a good year.

And what exactly is Ivy up to, anyway?

Everyone has secrets. But in the end, the truth will have to come out.


Starring Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character Nominees Ivy Potter, Emma Weasley, Haley Potter, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards!

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 76214 Chapters: 13 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/16/07 Updated: 06/04/08


Summary: The final installment of my set of Broadway musical spoofs about Voldemort's life!

This is Stephen Sondheim's brilliant musical, Sweeney Todd, but drastically warped and twisted by me. If you ever wanted to hear a song where Voldemort tries to encourage Fenrir to eat various Potterverse characters, this is the fic for you.

My other two spoofs about Voldemort, those of Les Miserables and Wicked, can be found on my profile. I've also got spoofs of Phantom of the Opera, High School Musical, and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Enjoy!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 7387 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/29/08 Updated: 05/04/08


Summary: It's another spoof by Schmerg_The_Impaler!

This time, it's "Wicked," by Stephen Schwartz, remodeled to tell the story of Voldemort's life!

I also have spoofs of Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and High School Musical on my profile, if anyone would care to read.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 6682 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
03/18/08 Updated: 03/29/08


Love a Duck! by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 120]

Summary: Love a duck! Will he stop at nothing? Voldemort is rapidly taking over, and his Death Eaters are killing Muggle-borns every day. The good news? A mysterious man, known only as The Phoenix, is rescuing people in the nick of time all over England.

Meanwhile, newlywed writer Lily Potter has troubles of her own. For one, her marriage is not turning out to be as great as she'd thought... for another, she's been blackmailed by an old "friend" into turning spy and discovering the Phoenix's true identity.

Thrills, spills, laughs, gasps, song lyrics, and good old swashbucklin' intrigue.

Inspired by Baroness Emmuska Orczy's excellent novel, "The Scarlet Pimpernel," and Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton's AMAZING musical by the same name.

But if you're not familiar with either, the story's just all the more suspenseful! All song lyrics used in this story are based on those by Wildhorn and Knighton

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 14816 Chapters: 5 Completed: No
Published:
09/24/07 Updated: 11/10/07


Summary: Past Featured StoryFred is dead.

But that's just the beginning! Because one of George's ears is up in heaven, and the other is down on earth...

Oh, the possibilities!

Written for the Next Great Adventure challenge on the MNFF beta boards. I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House.
Twice nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts Story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quills Awards!

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 9446 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/29/07 Updated: 10/31/07


Summary: Yet another musical twisted by yours truly, it's the tale of Voldemort's life set to the tune of my Les Miserables soundtrack!



The real musical of Les Miserables was created by Claude-Michel Schnberg, Herbert Kretzmer, and Alain Boublil.



There is some violence and it really is not a silly musical-- there are a few funny parts, but there are some pretty sad or intense bits. AND LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE. And there are some cannibalism-happy bits with Fenrir, including a whole song called "Man Eat Man." Beware.



Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 9355 Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/11/07 Updated: 10/31/07


Summary: WARNING! This story contains a jingle-bell antler headband, a shower of potatoes, boy/girl mushiness, underwear karaoke, family trouble, an excessively adorable werewolf, death, the song "Werewolves of London," betrayal, and the word 'Jordan' five times in a row near the beginning of chapter seven.


Twenty-one years after Voldemort's defeat, five fourth-years are faced with a new threat. Will all of the five stay true to the light side? Will they all emerge whole in the end? Will Jordan Potter ever get a life? You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gasp, you'll sigh! Part one in a trilogy!


Well, after much deliberation and consideration, I've decided to submit my future-gen trilogy! This particular installment is three years old, so it's definitely different from my current writing style, but I'm quite fond of the characters.


DH is disregarded. It's a total coincidence that one of the main characters is named Ted Lupin.


Starring Quicksilver Quills 2008 Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, and Emma Weasley, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin!

Five times nominated (once for each member of Potter's Pentagon!) for the Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards, and nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards...


Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 45143 Chapters: 10 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/18/07 Updated: 10/03/07


Home Improvement by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 62]

Summary: When Ron Weasley is promoted to a rather high rank in the Auror business, his mother congratulates him by informing him that it's high time he found a place of his own.



Ron may be quite good at his job as an Auror, but he now faces the most difficult challenge of all...



Ridiculously short one-shot that I wrote for some challenge about a year ago and never submitted. It's also my first one-shot that's not about Voldemort and the Death Eaters! Gasp!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 1580 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/30/07 Updated: 09/04/07


Summary: Anyone heard those rumours about a Harry Potter musical?



It better be just like this.



No, but seriously, it's a spoof of the songs from Disney channel's infamous "High School Musical," telling the tale of JK Rowling's infamous "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets." (I was dared; I took the challenge.)



You will never see the Basilisk the same way again.



P.S. You may also want to check out my Beatles and Phantom of the Opera spoofs. Just click on my username and it'll take you to my delightfully chaotic author's page.
Twice nominated for Best Poem in the Quicksilver Quills Awards!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3145 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/28/07 Updated: 08/29/07


Summary: Having spoofed the lovely album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," I decided to do another one of my favourite albums: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA SOUNDTRACK! And through Andrew Lloyd Webber's yummy songs, this spoof tells the story of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."

So here it is, guys! (And girls, and koalas, and lampreys, and shrubs and parameciums and stuff.)

This is more a spoof of the soundtrack than the actual play... though if anyone records themself singing any of these songs, I would fall over from sheer awesomeness attack.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 4703 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
08/08/07 Updated: 08/22/07


Summary: This fanfiction writer laments the loss of her favourite dark lord in a re-donk-ulous poem.

This is not very complimentary to Volders, so don't tell him about it if you see him around, okay?

Deathly Hallows spoilers.

Four times nominated for Best Poem in the Quicksilver Quills Awards!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 307 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/02/07 Updated: 08/03/07


Summary: Ever wondered why Florean Fortescue was taken by the Death Eaters?

Lord Voldemort is on the quest to find the best, evilest flavour of ice cream, and he will stop at nothing to get it.

This is a very short, very silly and quite OOC little one-shot written as consolation for the fact that "E-Journal" is on hiatus. It's based on a prompt given to me by the ridiculously talented Inigoenigma.

Nominated for Best Humour fic in the Quicksilver Quills awards!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1504 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/30/07 Updated: 07/06/07


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